BPDFamily.com

Each time i write this out there is a little more, the pain gets worse and then better.

3 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have previously recognised they strongly fit BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair with a mutual friend of his then live-in partner. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'. Recently, I have reflected on the extended deception such an affair would necessarily entail.

A couple of weeks after, and just after I got back from a week away during which we texted in a friendly way - X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship. Not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true. After the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again.

While claiming this (that we were broken up), X made statements that were internally inconsistent/ incoherent. For example, he said that one of the horrible things i've said to him that makes him feel bad is that if we broke up, i wouldn't want to be friends. Notwithstanding the fact that he was the one who first said this to me, we clearly had been interacting as, at the very least, friends (not to mention the sex, cuddling, hand holding etc at his initiation – indeed, on the night before I left, he asked me to hold his hand while he fell asleep.) He also, confusingly, said 'the reason we can't be friends is that you can't let go'. It is circuitous to describe because it was just word salad.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a _____ time' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been ________ed and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. X looked me dead in the eyes with an expression of hate and said, ‘Are you trying to make me feel bad for wanting to kill myself.’

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. A narrative about my ‘cruel’ and ‘horrible’ behaviour had been repeated often in our relationship, and I had accepted it. Yet much of what this ‘cruelty’ entailed was things like brushing him off/ expressing annoyance when he asked for computer help late at night while I was in bed. I believe dismissiveness can be painful and destructive to a relationship, that my actions meet this threshold. I am deeply sorry for this. I have expressed this to X. But on reflection, I believe these are normal experiences in a relationship - not cruelty.

I suspect what may have happened is that X was deeply shamed by having violated his own values, ie, by cheating. Rather than dealing with this, he chose to lash out and project onto me. I also wonder if the cheating recurred while I was away, hence the meltdown, but I can’t say for sure.

*

X then asked/ demanded that I move out, which I did.

Some weeks after, X became frustrated because he did not realise I had ‘officially’ moved out. He expressed frustration that he was liable to pay the portion of rent and bills I had previously covered, and blamed this on me. This was upsetting, since X had demanded that I move out, looked dead in my eyes with hate and told me I was cruel, and refused to speak or be in the same room as me. Yet somehow, it was not understood that as a consequence, when I picked up a suitcase, left the house and did not come back, I had... moved out.

X claimed the reason he had to pay more money for bills and rent was because I did not 'officially' inform the landlord. This made no sense, since X was still living there, and the rental agreement was by room, not by person. There was no reason why the landlord would have chosen to waive rent because I wasn’t there.

Bear in mind that I continued to pay what had previously been my half of the rent at the place where X is still staying, for a month after I left, so he would not have to pay more money (as I knew he was in a precarious time). In these circumstances, it was confusing and painful to be blamed. X was facing the consequence of his own choice to make me leave, and I was sleeping on couches. But even there I tried to buffer so he would be less exposed to instability, while I was exposed to more instability.

Speaking of covering X's rent, there was also some confusion about the final payment. In our previous rental payments, I would pay the landlord for both of us, and X would pay me back. I made the last payment as usual and informed X of this at the time. For whatever reason, he decided to pay the landlord his half independently of me. As a result, there was a double payment (with me paying double), that needed to be recovered.

X also blamed this on me because I failed to notify him. I suppose that for triple clarity, I could have informed him that ‘as usual’ meant I would make the same payment I usually did. But he was the one who engaged in a change from the previous pattern, and he did not notify me at all. It began to feel like a Mobius strip of double standards, whether rent, or notification, or wanting to be friends – whatever I did was wrong while what he did was right.

When I pointed out to X, in the most factual way I could manage, that the overpayment arose not from lack of notification but from us making a double payment, he was dismissive and pivoted to blaming the landlord, saying, “I’m not getting in a back and forth about [landlord] being demented.” I found it upsetting that X would simply throw blame at yet another person based on his emotional state, rather than assessing what happened.

*

X and I have now both moved out and the tenancy is ended. Something awful happened in the process. X was moving my things out, and did not move a bag in the shed that contained my beloved pet’s ashes – either because the landlord had already thrown it away, or because he did not see it. I was devastated. The landlord has said she threw everything out because she thought X had taken all our belongings; X has said he didn’t see anything and she might have already thrown it away when he went to get our things.

In apportioning responsibility and causation, I believe the landlord bears some for not being careful and throwing away something which did not belong to her. X bears some for not checking with me before moving my belongings – he had told me to let him know if I would remove my things before March 11, and I arrived on March 10, but found my belongings had already been moved – and more than that, for making it necessary for me to move out in such chaotic circumstances. I do not believe I bear fault in this matter. I considered sharing words with X along these lines.

But ultimately, while it is a horrible thing, no-one is wholly personally to blame. There has simply been some very bad luck where a normal unfortunate event (something getting lost in a move) has taken on a painful significance. Much of that pain comes from the *reminder* of the loss of a loved one, not the ashes themselves. This is something neither X nor the landlord are responsible for.

I mention this because I have previously accepted much of X’s characterisation of me as ‘horrible’ and ‘cruel’. Yet I have chosen not to lash out or blame him for a painful thing happening to me, where he bears some (but far from all) responsibility. Whereas he has blamed me repeatedly for things that are not my fault at all. I see this as a matter of integrity.
 
There is a possibility X has now entered a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, someone I respect deeply. I am not sure if this overlapped with our own relationship, ie, was the source of the cheating. And if so, how much this friend was informed. X told me at the time the person he had slept with was not someone I knew.

I am not sure what to trust, but it strikes me that there are similarities with X’s previous relationship, where he cheated on his then live-in partner with their mutual friend. X’s affair partner had also described X’s previous partner, the one who was cheated on, as being ‘horrible’ to X, a characterisation X repeated to me. I have a sense of cycles repeating.

I am grieving the person I thought I knew.

X has expressed a hope we can be ‘at least amicable’ and has said they see ‘this chapter as closed’. I find it inappropriate to harm someone, then to declare the issue closed and request amicable interaction from the person you harmed sans acknowledgement, apology or reparation. I have expressed this to X and requested no contact.

Over the course of our relationship, X at times showed great courage and integrity. At others, there was much instability including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. His personality, actions and relationships have undergone great shifts. I do not know if he knows who he is at all.

I hope X is able to heal and, if the person I thought I knew exists, to forgive himself. I am sure my perspective will evolve as I turn to the question of why I seem to remain in such toxic relationships, and find ways to get better.