BPDFamily.com

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone here has an adult child with both BDP and Bipolar 1 disorder?  She does not have insurance and I'm pretty sure she is off of her meds.  I'm the only person that will really talk to her or (entertain) her.  I now have PTSD everytime the phone rings.  My heart hits the floor when her picture pops up on my phone or ever just a text these days (actually it has been this way for years).  I have done so much research and finally know how to talk to her and valadate her feelings, this has made it somewhat easier to "talk her down".  Also I have been using Chat GPT to help me have text conversations with her.  Today for instance she was at work, only her 2nd day at work during orentation.  She text me I want to be home, I don't want to be here.  With the assistance of Chat GPT she actually stayed at work her full shift, one she left she call me and said I did it, are you proud of me.  Of course I'm proud of her but it was two hours of texing back and forth.  I also have a job...... anyway I realized last month that I have her over 14,000.00 dollars of the course of last year.  No wonder why she didn't keep a job or work I was her part time job.... I am so angry at myself!!!! and I don't want to give any more.   However just this week I paid for her rent.  This is alot and all over the place, I'm sorry!!! has anyone here used NAMI as a resourse?

Hi Alone,

Well you've come to the right place, you don't have to be alone anymore.  I'm sure many parents here can relate to what you've written.  My adult BPD stepdaughter doesn't have bipolar, but everything you wrote about your daughter would apply to her when she wasn't getting therapy.

May I ask, how old is your daughter?  If she's lacking insurance, my guess is that she's in her late 20s, but I could be wrong.  It sounds like she's not fully "launched" yet, in that she basically expects you to continue to provide her rent, spending money, logistical support, etc., correct?  Perhaps more importantly, she probably hasn't really embraced the notion that she's responsible for herself now.  My guess is that not only does she act extremely entitled, but she also blames you for most of her problems, correct?  In addition, she needs loads and loads of reassurances, even for the most mundane things.  It sounds like you're completely worn out, and you can't keep caring for her like a little kid, right?  And yet you try, try, and try--to support her, to reassure her, to forgive her, to tolerate her outbursts--while it seems like she has given up on her adult life, before it has even started.  Sure, if you "force" her, she might try out a new job, but does she tend to quit (or get fired) in a couple of days?  It's because she's given up on herself.  She doesn't need to try very hard because she knows that YOU will.  (By the way, I'm not saying that getting fired is the end of the world--it's not.  What's important is to try again and get another job, which is what a healthy person would do.)

I know you love your daughter because you wouldn't tolerate the years of dependency, financial exploitation and abuses if you didn't.  But here's the thing:  your daughter is an adult now.  Unless she's severely handicapped and deemed incompetent (and needs to be on disability/social assistance), she's responsible for herself now.  By my thinking, BPD shouldn't be an excuse for abusive behavior, and it's not an excuse for giving up.  If your daughter can drive, fly on planes and go to parties, she can work.  She might need therapy and medications, but it's up to her to get them.  Everyone has their health issues, and as adults we're responsible for going to the doctor, getting treatment and making healthy lifestyle choices to make our lives better.

Meanwhile, you deserve to have a life.  If you're so stressed out that you get heart palpitations every time the phone rings, then I think you need to prioritize your own wellness right now.  In fact, I think you should model for your BPD kid what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking care of yourself, getting therapy if you need it, having downtime to yourself, enjoying your friends, going on vacation and practicing your hobbies.  Your whole life shouldn't be about work and stressing out about your adult daughter's behavior.  In addition, you need to plan for your own retirement someday, and my guess is, unless you're loaded, you probably can't afford to pay your adult daughter's living expenses for the rest of her life, correct?  What will your daughter do when you are gone?

It sounds to me like a good place for you to start is with boundaries.  Boundaries aren't about changing your daughter's behavior, but rather changing YOU and your responses to her behavior.  My advice is not to make any "announcements" that you will be enforcing boundaries, but rather just to do it.  An example might be, you don't respond to any mean texts from your daughter.  That way, you don't engage with her when she's riled up, to protect your own well-being.  Only when she texts in a civil manner do you reply.  Another boundary around texting might be that you do not respond to texts during your workday, because you are busy and need to concentrate.  Maybe you only text back at prescribed times, say during your morning or afternoon break, or only after work.  Chances are that if you slow down your responses, your daughter might have more time to self-regulate and solve some problems on her own.  (I call this the Slow Walk approach, which I find very helpful when dealing with overly needy people.)

As for financial support, that can be trickier, and I'm not sure what to advise without knowing more about your daughter's situation and history.  However, my sense is that you don't want to see your daughter suffer, and you don't want her to experience negative consequences from her decisions, especially as she seems to be in great distress already.  Furthermore, YOU can't stand to see your daughter in distress.  However, if you always jump in to "save" her, you're depriving her of the opportunity to learn from real-life consequences.  An example might be, if she doesn't pay the phone bill, her phone will be turned off.  I'd say, let it be turned off--having no phone is not life-threatening.  That might be what it takes for your daughter to learn the value of money and the notion that she has to work to get the things she wants, just like everybody else.  But if you always pay for the phone (and everything else), she hasn't learned that lesson.  Instead, the lesson she has learned is, she just has to cry/scream/beg/threaten/insult you, and sure enough you'll pay for her expenses, because you don't want her to feel deprivation/discomfort/hunger/stress/inconvenience.   Look, I think we all walk a fine line between extending support and enabling unhealthy behavior.  To me, being supportive is when BPD daughter is generally DOING what she's supposed to be doing (e.g. getting therapy, maybe working part-time, maybe studying part-time, maybe living semi-independently), and you provide some money/emotional support/help with logistics to lift her up.  I put DOING in all capitals because I pay more attention to actions than to moods, words and empty promises.  In contrast, enabling is when BPD daughter is NOT doing what's she's supposed to be doing, and you're stepping in to do things for her that she should be doing for herself.  Sure, you do it in the name of love, but in the long term, it's not helping your daughter to learn to live in the real world, and it's destroying you in the process.  Does that make sense?

Hope that perspective helps a little.  All the best to you.

Hello and welcome to the family.  My 27 year old daughter is also diagnosed BPD/bipolar and I've had the same experiences.  Mine chose therapy a few years ago and for the first time in her life, she's <mostly> stable and paying her own bills.  It's certainly a process and I too struggle with wanting to jump in and support her financially.  That's more enablement than anything though and it often leads to bad outcomes.

Please use this site's resources to learn techniques to communicate in a less threatening, compassionate way.  It's helped me so much in terms of creating healthy boundaries and knowing when to engage/disengage.  I can also let a lot of it go these days, when she explodes I shrug my shoulders and recognize it for what it is...just a burst of negative energy that doesn't really mean anything.

Tell us how we can help and what you're struggling with specifically.  Also, what are you doing for your own mental stability?  As you said, it's a lot and it wears us down over time.