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Over the last 10 years or so, I’ve gotten into an unhealthy habit of either letting myself be walked over like a doormat or worse, becoming a literal servant to J.  “Fill my water cup?”, “Rub my back,” “throw this away” and all sorts of requests that would normally be a part of showing intimacy and affection- yet NONE of those requests are reciprocated in any way whatsoever.

Light pushback to any of them is met with immediate anger and resentment- that I “never want to do it” or “it’s always something that you don’t want to do”. She often attempts to talk to me like I’m her teenage child- giving “advice” about how i should act and talk and behave and how i should do various tasks and chores in the home to her expectations.

I swallow it and anger explodes at times back at her.   Today might be then end of a relationship- she has blocked me on Facebook and she says she blocked my calls and texts- although she is periodically texting me with rants and criticisms about how I need therapy to discuss my anger management issues and my tendency to narcissism (which is partly correct with anger management with regards to her behavior) but I recognize projection.

Today’s problem was where a delivery came, the dog got out and went into the apartment parking lot area- he was not responding to me and I had no shoes to run after him.   I called her and told her I need her immediately and she called out the window- no response.   I began to panic more- “I NEED YOU”

“Ok”

10-20 seconds of nothing- I couldn’t see if she’s moving.  “J!  Please come downstairs now!”

“Ok!” (She calls him again out the window)

20-30 more long seconds.   “I need you to come down NOW!  He’s moving away!”

Silence.  She whistles.   No response from the dog and no appearance at the door.

Finally after pleading with her, “I NEED YOU TO COME DOWN NOW!” she slowly appears, puts on a slip on sweatshirt, puts boots on slowly and makes her way down.

After the dog comes back, she SCREAMS at me not to me embarrass her by yelling like that.  I told her that I will embarrass her like that again and it will get worse if she’s going to not rush like that again.   She shouted and screamed to get away from her and I left for work an hour early.

Side note: she seems to be extremely sensitive to being seen as an embarrassment in public.  She actively insists on NOT calling a business with a dropped or delayed product or order( to the point of anger).   Example- we sat waiting for a fast food order for 10-15 minutes while cars after us were served- insisting that I NOT call and say, “We haven’t gotten our small order”.  We had a situation with roadside assistance where we were told it would be 30-45 minutes for a reply and we waited 3 1/2 hours- “NO! We cannot call to ask them what’s the situation!”

Her family has a weird history of demanding low priority response from ambulances- “no lights no sirens” for ANY reason!  They claim it’s too embarrassing.

I don’t know if it’s over.   


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People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to be quick to act, react and overreact, too often in negative ways.  Naturally, we shouldn't be like that, our inclination is generally to be positive.  So "retaliation" as a reaction to receiving negative treatment isn't productive.  Usually it's a spur-of-the-moment impulse that doesn't make things all better.  That's where a measure of self-control is so helpful.

I just read in another thread about HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness... if that applies then best to pause (halt) and let yourself ponder what to do to avoid self-destructive responses.  (You can do an internet search on HALT.)

While your issue cited here does not seem so much as "acting-out" (harming others) it may fit more as "acting-in" (sabotaging self)?  Whichever, it can certainly be frustrating in any relationship.  And feeling walked over too is discouraging.

One of our normal inbuilt cravings is reciprocation in our relationships.  We give and share while wanting others to similarly give and share.  It's upbuilding and overall productive.

When things get unbalanced is when one is always giving and the other always taking, even opposing.  Imagine sitting in a rowboat, you rowing toward a wonderful goal but the other is just sitting there, perhaps even rowing in the opposite direction.  That eventually becomes frustrating and unworkable.  In time you're tempted to give up and give in and what you do becomes, almost before you realize it, appeasing and enabling.  Not a success story.

There are many relationship tools, communication skills and time-tested strategies discussed here.  Many members have been here for years and our collective wisdom is a result of our "been there, done that" experience.

One skill, one of many, is learning what Boundaries are.  Boundaries are not placed on the misbehaving person because typically they resist proper boundaries of behavior.  While it isn't intuitive, |---> Boundaries are for us (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0).  How so?  Boundaries are how we respond to poor behavior.

For example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target.  Rather we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.