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Title: Need advice Post by: Barney1015 on March 28, 2026, 10:59:08 AM We've been together for 10 years. He hasn't had job since before covid and even then, he didn't keep them long. I support us through my autistic son's job, my student loans and my income ( which is nothing right now because he insisted I quit my dead end job). We've had multiple DV incidents in the past. I've been strangled, grabbed, thrown and threatened. For years he's been finding himself. He enrolled in college but quickly abandoned it when the financial aid for living expenses was minimal. He's a genius so he considers grunt jobs beneath him. We live in a motel and have for about a year. Half of our ten years has been living in a car.
Title: Re: Need advice Post by: ForeverDad on March 28, 2026, 01:34:23 PM Welcome to a wealth of precious resources in peer support, though admittedly remote. Please consider seeking out your DV resources available locally. They can be life savers. There are also online emergency numbers as well, someone will shortly pop in and mention them as well.
Please realize that this is an abusive relationship. Even if it is only sometimes abusive, then it is an abuser/victim relationship. We probably can't say this is Borderline, Antisocial, or whatever since we only have your description. Most of us never had a diagnosis of our partners (or disordered parents, siblings or children) since many refuse counseling or therapy and thus don't get diagnosed. However, what we can do is look at the actions and behavior patterns over years. It is clear that your partner hasn't improved his behaviors. And probably won't change for the better in the future. Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver: Excerpt Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships Summary As we go through life, we encounter a variety of individuals. We also develop a variety of relationships with others including family members, neighbors, fellow workers, friends, and familiar faces. Healthy relationships seem to be healthy in the same way – having characteristics of respect, concern for others, affection, cooperation, honesty, mutual goals, etc. A relationship with a Personality Disorder is totally different. That 9 or 10 percent of adults with a “Cluster B” Personality Disorder can create significant difficulties in our life. In brief contacts they are often troublesome - the uncle who is a con artist or the sister-in-law that nobody can tolerate at holiday dinners. When we bring them into our lives however, a Personality Disorder rapidly takes over and our life becomes centered on their needs, demands, and goals. To achieve their self-centered objectives, the Personality Disorder becomes the controller, abuser, manipulator and user in relationships. The early identification of individuals who create unhealthy relationships can save us from years of heartache as well as damage to our personality, self-esteem, finances, and lifestyle. Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0 We are here. More members will chime in with additional experiences, insights and practical strategies going forward. You are NOT alone and there IS hope for a better future. :hug: Title: Re: Need advice Post by: Skip on March 28, 2026, 03:41:23 PM I noticed you are posting on the 'Detaching Board", not the "Bettering Board". Are you looking to start breaking away (Detaching) or are you looking for tools to deal with your situation.
There is a lot to unpack here, but the one thing that stands out to me is him asking, and you quitting your job. Without questioning anyone's motives, this is counterproductive for you. The tighter the money the more dependent you all are on staying together and the more likely to be exposed to DV or losing your home. How do you feel about not working? |