BPDFamily.com

This is my first post here. Thank you for having me. My 38 yo daughter is using our grandchildren to drive a wedge between my wife (her step mother) and I. She has always randomly attacked and blamed my wife for crazy things that she had no idea of or role in doing. When she gets mad at me she decides my wife 'put me up to it. Now, after actually allowing my wife to develop a close and loving relationship with the gc, she got mad at her in November 2025 (for something she had NOTHING to do with) and decided she can't see them anymore. Only I can. I feel like she is manipulating me to hurt my wife, so I am not going along with it. I've told her numerous times that we come as a pair. I hope I'm doing the right thing and not hurting the kids. But it is her decision, not ours. Still, we both really miss the kids. It hurts... a lot.

Thoughts?

Hi there,

Unfortunately the situation you describe is very common on these boards--where an untreated BPD adult child will restrict access to grandchildren as punishment.  Based on your post, my sense is that your daughter is jealous of her stepmom, especially when she developed a closer relationship with the grandkids.  It's very possible your daughter felt upstaged by grandma, and that her kids seem to like grandma more than mom.  She feels hurt and insecure, so what does she do?  She tries to cut grandma out.  Sure, she'll make up some bizarre story (only loosly based on facts) to justify her decision.  She'll invent some sort of narrative that grandma is "toxic" to the kids and should be shunned.  This negative, distorted thinking pattern is typical of BPD, as is the instability in close relationships.  Your daughter might temporarily "unshun" grandma if she needs free babysitting, but she's prone to promptly "re-shun" once her free babysitting needs are met.  My apologies, I'm reminded of an episode of The Office right now.

Anyway, I think you're right in not going along with your daughter's distorted narrative, because if you do her bidding, you're tacictly approving of her unjustified, ill treatment of your wife.

Another way of looking at the situation is that your daughter is probably really stressed out right now.  She has a tendency to misattribue the source of her distress and blame others for it.  She's taking out her frustrations on stepmom.  Maybe she's trying to exert control wherever she can, because she feels desperately out of control in her own life right now.  Does that sound right to you?

Unfortunately, all this might mean not seeing the grandkids for a time.  There's not much you can do about that, because your daughter is the kids' parent, not you.

P.S.

I'm wondering if you're writing from the US, and if the incident in November was around Thanksgiving.  You see, I've observed that holidays are often a trigger for pwBPD.  On top of the added stress of the holidays and ruptures in normal routines, I think that pwBPD have a really hard time seeing other joyful people, because it's in stark contrast to their own unhappiness.  Moreover they can't stand not being the center of attention, when young children typically steal the show.  I think that's a reason that holidays are often the backdrop for major meltdowns.

Just my two cents.