BPDFamily.com

after 8 years, and many breakups, I took her back after she started an emotional affair, then left the relationship to be with NewGuy. After 8 months she tired of him and asked to come back.

i took her back, thinking that we loved each other and could work it out, even knowing she was a BPD/BiPolar 2. silly me.

now after about a year, she's done the exact same thing and broke up with me 3 months ago. I was doing fine, but in the last month, not so much. The loneliness and loss of my relationship is excruciating for all the reasons we read about. I am a fixer, saviour, white-knight type and it was the best relationship I ever had until the BPD rage attacks started, the blame, the jealousy, the mood swings, the intense fighting.

why did I take her back not believing she would do the exact same thing as as before.
what's worse is that's exactly how we started. I just believed all of her stories about her abuse at the hands of her ex, and what a victim she was. note: she's a "waif BPD."

It's unbelievable how easy it is to fall back into the fog even knowing they are BPD.  Might sound simplistic, but you have no choice but to cut your losses and move on
 I sympathize with how hard it is missing them and the excitement they bring. Get therapy to help you get through withdrawl.

You're not silly, just human.

It is hard to fight against yourself, let alone BPD.

I suggest you replace her with something less torn, a dog for instance. A loyal companion to help you through. Something that wont let you down and you can look after... .

Welcome kayaz

If you want to get over your ex. I would suggest going strict NC, read and learn about BPD, then shift the focus to you and figure out why you tried so hard and stayed as long as you did in an unhealthy relationship.
Remember to be compassionate with yourself along the way (reminder for me too).

 Hi kayaz,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling after your breakup. I went back into the fray, and most of the people on this board have, too, so you are not alone. Looking back, I can understand your asking yourself "What was I thinking?" I have definitely spent time in that question, too.

The good news is that the pain you are in now can leave and things can get better for you. That has been the case for me, and for many others on this forum. Read as much as you can on this site-- there are tons of tools and resources that will help you grieve this loss.

When I first arrived here, I felt incredibly hurt and confused. When I read the article I have linked below, I realized that I had been believing things that had kept me stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relating. If you have time, check this out and let us know what you think:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

And a reminder for me as well! Your sort of lose yourself, you start accepting things that are not correct, arguments out of nowhere, rage, breaking things, hitting you, screaming at 3am and not been able to stop her or calm her, and then telling you you are the bad guy, the monster, etc... .and one ends up somehow accepting it, and I know why I did, because I wanted to get back to the initial period which was wonderful, but didn't last very long and we never got back there in 10 years! And then you keep getting told (and one somehow accepts) that everything is going wrong because of you, you are the problem, you are too controlling, you need therapy... .it's torture, it's exhausting... .