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Finally, after years and years of people telling me to do this, yesterday, I finally got what putting yourself first looks like -- not obsessing over how the upbpd is going to react to or feel about what I do/say, but thinking about what I want.  And understanding that I have every right to do so.  It sounds so trite but what an amazing feeling. 

And still I see today that I have to keep reminding myself of this.  Which I will.

Hi wantmorepeace, great to see you.

That shift you’re describing, focusing on what you want instead of their reactions, is huge. It may feel simple, but it’s a real turning point.

And needing to remind yourself is part of it. It takes practice.

If you want to share, what helped it click yesterday?

Hello, Mutt.  Thank you for the response.  Well, some of it is probably the years I've been at this. But the big thing that has changed in this instance is that the ubpd has been trying to get me to listen to their complaints about my daughter.  I guess the mama bear inside just wasn't going to let that happen and helped wake me up. 

And, yep, still need to remind myself that my kiddo deserves better and so do I.

Yes, you both do and it's important that you protect that relationship with your daughter.

I don't know why, but my BPD mother would triangulate- get another person to listen to her complaints about a third person, and sometimes that was me. I don't know all she has said to others about me but I know some, because she did it with my in laws and tried to do it with my H. They didn't listen to her or believe it.

But my mother's extended family and friends, and possibly even my father did (or he didn't but went along with her to keep the peace). I found out some of it accidentally. Someone in her FOO hit reply all on an email thread I was in. They were discussing someone in a negative way . I thought at first they were speaking about my mother, but after reading it, I realized they were discussing me.

This began what turned into years of estrangement between me and my mother's FOO, not by my choice alone. Later, after spending more time with BPD mother, her FOO began to see the bigger picture of her behavior. They apologized to me and we have been trying to reconnect.

I think trust in a parent and other family members is essential to a child, no matter how old that child is. I think there are situations where separation is necessary- for safety- emotional or physical, but none of this applied to them distancing from me in this situation. I couldn't trust my mother but I did have trust in the other relationships. Forgiveness is possible but trust is hard to regain.

Your D trusts you. This is precious. It's good that you are protecting it.