BPDFamily.com

I moved out. Got my kids out.

I'm happy SEVERE emotional swings. About 6 times in 24 hours having 15 minute episodes of "what did I do/oh my god/no please don't make this real" that bring me to the floor/sobbing. It subsides. Looking at my prior posts and my list of things that happened helps. But damn if there isn't' a chemical addiction here. Anybody else experience this? It's the worst thing I've ever dealt with emotionally

There's definitely an addiction there and it does take a while for our minds to sort of reset.  I'm glad you're in a better place now though and your mind can start to heal.  Hopefully the kids adapt quickly as well!

We all 100% deal with this. It is truly the hardest thing any of us have done. Those of us who left CHOSE to end something that felt so right and so perfect but was slowly killing us, truly ruining our health. Continue to revisit the awful horrible times, they're a reminder that you aren't evil or wrong. I've posted here a billion times on good and bad days. You'll continue to stumble and ruminate on everything. This is your diary, this is where you vent. You are absolutely addicted and it's sickening how they trap your mind, body and soul.

What's the main thing that is currently hurting you most?

Hi there,

I'm glad you're safe and you were successful with your plan to get out.  It sounds like you might have a trauma bond with your ex.  I haven't experienced that, so I'm probably not well-placed to advise.  However if you have an addiction-like bond, I suspect that no direct contact with your ex for now is probably the way to go.  You need to focus on yourself and the kids right now.  If you need professional help (attorney, therapist, etc.), I'd say, get it.  You could also consider reaching out to trusted family and friends for support--my guess is that your ex tried to isolate you.  Reconnecting with trusted family/friends could help you feel more grounded, less lonely, and less prone to feeling the tug of "addiction" all the time.

Change is hard, and it's no wonder you're doubting yourself.  My guess is that it took a long time for you to get to this point.  Of course it feels overwhelming.  But here's the thing.  My guess is that you are exhausted, mentally and probably physically, too, dealing with all this.  It's hard to plan out the future when you're drained.  Maybe you could give your kids a giant hug, reassure them that things are going to feel more peaceful, that Dad is going to be happy again, and then try to get some rest.

You're a doctor, correct?  You'd tell your patients to follow a healthy lifestyle to feel better, correct?  That the healthy lifestyle might take a some commitment and tweaking, but that it's worth it in the long run?  That succumbing to an addiction might feel good in the moment, but is damaging to long-term wellness?  That would apply to you, too.

When my wife told me after 26 years that she wanted to leave, I fell to the floor crying. Begging her not to go.
It’s been over 15 months now, and I see so much from a different perspective.
I realize now that I reacted like a little kid. Me, like a little kid. Abandoned by my father. An emotionally absent mother. Always having to do everything on my own and take care of my mother. Is it a coincidence that I ended up with a wife where I have to do exactly the same thing?
Looking back on my life, I realize that rejection completely knocks me down. BAM. Fired from my job? BAM. Friends who disappear? BAM.
That’s my lesson.
I need to learn that I am valuable for who I am. Not for what I do. Someone with BPD has a bottomless pit of needs, which we fill. I gradually started filling it less and less. And that’s where the irreversible process began. I started doing my own thing more and more, and my ex-BPD partner felt more and more abandoned. The pushing and pulling started again. And where I used to just keep waiting, I’ve now set a boundary. I moved upstairs. I needed peace. But she couldn’t let me go. Eventually, after months of peace, I came back, but she didn’t want me again.
That dynamic destroyed it. And my part in it is that I’ve changed and started setting boundaries. And started following my own plan. Because she didn’t want anything anymore, so otherwise I wouldn’t get anywhere either.

And yet I love her. I feel sorry for her. She left with only the dog, leaving the children, me, and our home behind. I know this isn’t what she wants either, but she doesn’t know any other way.
But I can’t and won’t do this anymore.
No matter how much I love her, I hate her behavior. It drains me. Even now, as the relationship is winding down, with dividing up belongings, lawyers, etc.
Until a year and a half ago, I didn’t know it might be BPD. It’s the behavior I recognize.
A lot of strange events from the past are now falling into place.
The most recent notable one was during a conversation with the lawyers. When I said I was going to look for a place in the city center, she said, “Then I’ll come live with you.” My jaw dropped, and I really didn’t know how to respond.

[And yet I love her. I feel sorry for her. She left with only the dog, leaving the children, me, and our home behind. I know this isn’t what she wants either, but she doesn’t know any other way.
But I can’t and won’t do this anymore.
No matter how much I love her, I hate her behavior. It drains me.]
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I feel this same duality with my ubpd.  It's so hard but it helps to see somebody else describe the same thing.  I repeat to myself "can't and won't" often.

Its actually so weird - like SO weird to look back now that I've had 10 days without her. It literally feels like I was living in a different world. That's not to say that I'm not having immense guilt, pain etc still - very very trauma bonded. But I can 'see' now. Does that make sense to anyone? Like the past 4 years - I don't even remember really what it was like fully - like, when I say I can "see" now - I can see how sick she made me. I was so damn hypervigilant and just putting out fires left and right.

She emailed me today about how excited she is for her next chapter and she wishes that I heal and stop being an abuser and heal my trauma (omg). I didn't respond and I won't. Its amazing - she had split me negative like they all do eventually, and was miserable, but refused to leave. Textbook...and now she's free and the cycle starts again...I'm in awe of this disorder - it has to be the worst thing I've ever seen clinically

Glad to hear that you're feeling more balanced and clear-headed already.  It sounds like you're coming out of the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt . . . and can see things more clearly.  Try not to beat yourself up if you still have strong feelings . . . that is to be expected.  I'd say, you focus on youself and the kids right now.  Chances are you'll all feel calmer, more stable and more like your usual selves, and maybe even happy before you know it.

Meanwhile, your ex might pretend to be hunky-dory without you while passively-aggressively blaming and projecting her problems onto you.  I'd say, though you might recognize her disordered thinking for what it is, try not to spend too much mental bandwidth on her, lest you get sucked back in.  I think you should focus on YOU right now.  She can focus on her life.  Please don't be surprised if she finds someone else fast--that seems to happen often on these boards.  Let her worry about that, and you focus on you.

thanks so much for the wise words. If I'm honest, I wouldn't mind her moving on at all - I want her thinking about something else lol

It makes enormous sense to me -- or rather I should say that it resonates deeply with me.  I have been in little contact with my ubpd sibling for the last few weeks and while it is hard, every day I see more clearly how the FOG has been hurting me for years and how I might be able to approach this differently.