BPDFamily.com

Is BPD real? Sometimes I'm still confused about whether it's real or not, because why do many articles also show that normal men will also do the same thing. Is it true, when I ask for attention, he takes it as criticism and he thinks that my request makes him look bad, which then makes him even more distant as a defense mechanism?

Why is he always so nice to everyone and not to me who clearly knows that I am the person he should value. Why is he so afraid to approach me and looks so mean?

And they say that people with BPD are afraid of being abandoned, but I don't see that in my husband.

He's not the type of guy who chases women. At the beginning of our relationship, he was extremely afraid of being abandoned or of me leaving him. But as time went on and we experienced more and more conflict, I felt his fear of being abandoned begin to fade. In fact, he became more withdrawn, and I felt the distance between us growing more apparent. Did he really not want to be with me anymore?

Please Advice

Hi.  BPD is real.  But none of us here on this site can diagnose your husband.  I suggest you meet with a therapist who is knowledgeable in this area and discuss your concerns to gain their insight.

Hi there,

Only a professional can diagnose BPD, but it's not uncommon here to suspect possible BPD in a loved one.  The thing is, with BPD, a typical behavior is to blame other people for causing all sorts of problems.  That might hinder some self-reflection and prevent them from seeking therapy; or if they do get therapy, the focus might be on rehashing grievances, not necessarily on learning some better coping mechanisms and moving forward.

You can find the key criteria for a BPD diagnosis on this site.  As for your question, is BPD real, the answer is affirmative.  The thing is, human behavior and emotions are, after all, human.  We all can have strong emotions like anger, distrust, sadness, hopelessness, shame, emptiness, anxiety and love.  We all can exhibit behaviors like blaming, avoidance, impulsivity, lashing out, moodiness, infatuation, creating drama and self-sabotage sometimes.  I think the key difference is in degrees--the frequency, intensity and duration of negative thinking and behaviors.  With BPD, the consensus is that emotions are intense, often disproportionate to the situation.  I think that pwBPD feel constantly traumatized by ordinary life.  And the corresponding reactional behaviors--e.g. lashing out, impulsivity, blaming, self-harm, running away, attention-seeking or self-sabotage--can lead to dysfunction in many relationships.  The dysfunction tends to span across multiple dimensions as well as over time, for example romantic relationships, school, friendships, extended family, the workplace, etc.  Signs of dysfunction wouldn't be limited to just one "toxic" relationship, but would exhibit an overall pattern of volatile relationships and dysfunction in my opinion.

The good news is that BPD is treatable, provided that there's a firm commitment to change in the pwBPD.  Typically this would happen after the pwBPD "hit bottom" and had no other viable alternative but to get therapy and take it seriously.  In practice though, many pwBPD rely on others to take care of their needs, like housing, insurance, transportation, etc., and so though they're not exactly happy, they're content enough with the status quo.  It's just easier to blame others for all their problems, because to take responsibility would induce intense shame, which is painful.

The pwBPD in my life was diagnosed a few years ago.  Since then she's turned her life around.  Though she still has troubling emotions and distorted thinking, I'd say she's got them under better control right now.  Though she stumbles sometimes, she's much better at getting back "on track" again.  My guess is that she wouldn't strictly qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  Maybe now she's someone who exhibits BPD traits from time to time, when she's really stressed.

I guess I'll close with one more idea.  There are some excellent tips on this site about how to relate to someone with BPD.  I think these skills are really valuable in all sorts of situations, and especially for dealing with high-conflict, "difficult" people and situations.  I've learned a lot here.

I've been here for a couple decades.  I recall a court ordered my then-spouse and myself to get Psych Evals.  Those are just quickie assessments since they don't do extensive testing and lots of sessions.  My PE was by a grad student from a local university.  My result?  Anxiety.  My ex?  Though Psych Evals were ordered for both of us, I never found out whether she even complied with testing and the court moved on without waiting for it.

Over the years and even until today, I've never heard of a diagnosis for my ex.  So the fact is that I'm not supposed to take the place of a trained professional to declare one way or the other.  I've met with therapists for myself and even they can't comment on a diagnosis for my ex because they've never had sessions with her.  So I'm left with my informed conclusions based on the evidence of her behavioral track record.

Has your husband received a BPD diagnosis?  Part of your post makes me think yes, part makes me think no.  Please let us know.

I did want to answer you directly though and say that what you're describing above is consistent with someone who suffers from BPD.  At the start of the relationship, everything is wonderful and they're very open...they wouldn't want to live without you in their life.  But as reality sets in and they realize that you have faults just like every other person in the world, they begin to withdraw because they feel like things are slipping away.  He wouldn't want to express that now though or show it directly because now it's a possibility, you may walk out on him and it would break him internally.

So instead of confronting his fears directly, he lashes out in other ways.  Maybe he complains about the food, the neighbors, what's on TV, anything really.  Maybe little things you do makes him act like they've super big things...all this ties back to feeling neglected and the relationship falling apart.

More than anything though, it's disordered thinking and obsessing over details until they begin to shift and take new meaning.  That's what happened in my former marriage, my ex wife said I was highly abusive and always put her down.  Yet when others asked what I said or did, she couldn't recall anything.  It's because in her mind, I had become the enemy and she felt like I was out to ruin her life.  None of that was true, but her feelings and emotions made it true to her.

That's BPD, that's the sickness and why it's so hard on relationships.