BPDFamily.com

We’ve been together 3 months, but were friends for 8–9 before that.

A couple weeks ago, she got removed from a Facebook group we shared, which hit her hard because it felt like “our space.” Around the same time, she had tension with a mutual friend (Z), and that’s been an ongoing stressor.

I reassured her we don’t need the group and can focus on us. We actually had one of our best, most secure weeks after that.

Then Friday, during a virtual movie date, her internet went out. The next morning she was really upset, blaming herself and afraid I’d leave. I reassured her, and she asked (while crying) if we could redo the date Saturday night. I said yes, I'd love to. She read my message and didn’t respond for about 5 hours, then responded saying she was running errands.

Later that day, after opening a message from Z, she became visibly upset again and distant. I asked twice if she was still open to the movie redo. She never responded about the movie that night, left my messages unopened for hours, and later just said she hadn’t been feeling well.

Since then, she’s been emotionally overwhelmed and inconsistent:

-- Says we’re “okay,” but avoids talking about the relationship
-- Keeps circling back to stress about Z and feeling like she doesn’t belong in my world
-- Leaves messages on read/unopened for hours at a time
-- Alternates between warmth (pet names, life updates, selfies) and distance
-- Pulls away or changes the subject when I offer reassurance or say I miss her

I’ve stayed supportive and steady, but I feel her pushing me away and won’t engage about “us,” which leaves me confused about where we stand.

So I’m stuck wondering: is she just overwhelmed and needing space, or is she starting to detach?

Do I keep showing up consistently, or step back and give her space?

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so glad you found us and I'm sorry you're in this current situation.  It's one of the hardest questions here to answer because although BPD comes with some predictable patterns, so much depends on the individual and what's actually going on.

At surface level, your girlfriend is upset with what happened with Z.  It likely bothers her a lot more than she's letting on, and it's caused some internal stress in her life.  When things like this happen (and they happen often), a feeling of abandonment can be strong.  That's what is happening here, she's fixated on what happened and questioning everything.

What to do really depends on her communication style.  You should reassure her that you care and want to be with her, but that is really hard in long-distance relationships.  Do you see her in person at all?  I'm asking because you mentioned a virtual movie night and wasn't sure if you lived close.

If you persist too much though, she can feel overwhelmed and run from the relationship.  So there has to be a careful balance and nobody here can tell you exactly what that is.  If it were me, I'd message less often for the next few days but be more intentional with my messages, letting her know that you're thinking of her and look forward to talking soon.

I know that's not a great answer, but I'm not sure one exists for this type of BPD phase.  She's scared and second-guessing everything and in many ways, it has nothing to do with you.  This is the worst part of BPD and why so many relationships ultimately crumble...we don't know what we don't understand and it's easy to be too distant or too pushy.

Mainly, you just need to talk and get back to the good stuff in your relationship, so she can see and feel that nothing has changed.  How you'd do that though depends on her.