BPDFamily.com

I'm back, 2 days in a row. My family member has a few medical issues that need attending to but the problem is she doesn't have a regular General practitioner because she's written all the ones she's seen, off. I thought she'd finally found one but she now doesn't like him. She goes to them once and never goes back. Now she is wanting to make a formal complaint about 2 or 3 Medical professionals. She feels she's so upset that she can't go back. So there I am listening, affirming, all day. She's mulling over it all, big time. I can't say anything or else I'll be in the bad books too. It's so frustrating seeing all this when I know these Medical issues can be sorted out. But, she's an adult.. and I  had decided that zipping the lips was the best scenario.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and a lot of folks here can relate.  I think you're doing the right thing though and you shouldn't try to solve problems for someone who's causing the problems to begin with.

I would say, "Hopefully you can find a better doctor for your situation," and leave it at that.  If they want to file complaints, so be it.  I certainly wouldn't be the one to help them though.

As for the "listening, affirming all day" part, do you live with this person?  If not, then you shouldn't put yourself in the center of their internal drama.  While you may not be mentally ill, these types of conversations over and over again certainly have an effect on our mental health.  It's better to put some distance between yourself and the "problems" that keep occurring.

Indeed, I think zipping your lips or saying something nonjudgmental as Pook suggests, "Hope you find someone who works for you" is the way to go.  Look, if she wants to file a complaint, she can do that--people file complaints all the time.  Whether the complaint is baseless or not, it will be dealt with in the appropriate manner.  In medicine and other regulated industries, dealing with complaints is simply part of the business, and there's a well-defined process for it.

When I'm feeling charitable with people who are venting too much, I sometimes employ what I call the three strikes rule.  I'll say something like, "Let's please talk about something else now."  If she doesn't take the hint, I'll say something stronger:  "We're not getting anywhere, I need a break from talking about this."  And if she still continues, that's a third strike, and I'll say something like, "Gotta go now, talk to you later, bye."  In other words, when conversations get too heated, circular, one-way and  overwhelmingly negative, you give a warning and/or take a break, because you need to protect yourself from getting sucked in and ruining your mood.  I have a family member who seems to relish venting her negativity over seemingly insignificant and unsolvable things, and I've employed this tactic multiple times.  By now she knows that by my second warning, she has to shut up about it, or the call will end.  I try not to be mean about it, but I have my limits for listening to circular, repeated gripes with no solutions in sight.

If you want to keep the lines of communication open, but diminish potential for absorbing negativity, one thing you might try is to get on a "schedule" of communicating when it's convenient for you.  That might look like checking in during a drive home from work or the grocery.  That way, you're not "interrupted" by her toxicity as much, and you have a natural exit point:  "Gotta go put the groceries in the fridge/start dinner, talk to you later."  And if she's not available, you can leave a short message on voicemail, something like, "Just checking in, I'll try again next week."  If she calls back and it's not convenient for you, just let her go to voicemail and call back on your schedule.  Does that sound more doable?

I think it helps to keep in mind that BPD affects all relationships and that your sister's relationships are not your responsibility.

Having a family member with BPD influences family dynamics and sometimes the person with the disorder becomes the focus, with the other family members taking on the role of helping, or finding solutions for them. In this sense, the person's issues take over the whole family.

I recall a quote from a Dr. Phil episode. (yes, I know it's TV but he has some good advice). One family member had a disorder (not BPD but this can be with a number of issues) and the entire family was focused on her condition. Dr. Phil said to them. "You are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".

You care about your sister but as long as you are focusing on her and her moods and issues, you aren't in tune with your own goals and directions. Listening to her all day isn't your responsibility. It may feel like it is in context of the family dynamics but she's responsible for her own medical care and other responsibilities. It's good that you kept your mouth shut but the next step is to not be as available to her to vent her emotions. CC43's idea of time when you are available or not is a good suggestion.

My situation was a bit different as it was with my mother. For most of the time, I had no involvement in her medical care or decisions and she didn't want me to be involved.  At some point, many adult children do get involved in an elderly parent's care when it becomes apparent that help is needed, and so at that time, I had medical POA for her. My BPD mother had a wonderful doctor, but at times she'd get angry at him, seek out someone else, but it didn't last long. I think she knew he was a good doctor for her.

Why she would get angry was because, medical providers have boundaries- as they should have. BPD mother didn't like boundaries. This same dynamic happened with other providers and caregivers in her elder years. She might get angry at them for telling her to take her medicine, or eat her dinner when she didn't want to. But they were right- whatever boundaries they had were in her best interests.

Even though I had access to speak to her medical providers and could help make decisions for her- BPD mother still had her own free will. She was legally competent. So if she made a decision that may not have been in her best interest, it was a decision she could make.

Your sister is still legally competent and you are not her medical POA. Her medical decisions are entirely her business. Of course you care about her but - she's going to make her own decisions. Unless there was a situation where she truly needed help, you could decide to help if you wanted to. But for now, her medical care is her responsibility and it's up to her to learn to have a working relationship with a provider, if at all possible for her.

I hope you are prioritizing as much self care as possible. I spent hundreds of hours listening to my mother with BPD and father with strong narcissistic traits (both deceased) scapegoat their sisters and a brother who were lovely kind people and appointed family scapegoats. If I had to do it over again, I think I would just walk away once the venting started, as allowing them to project on how they felt about themselves onto other people never helped. It just left me feeling taken advantage of and uncomfortable. 

Thanks folks. I haven't worked out how to answer a particular person yet but will try soon.
Yes my sister lives with me. Talking only on the phone would be heavenly.
Plus, I'm a ex healthcare worker so biting my tongue is extremely difficult. I'm learning. My current method is sort of removing my emotional self and saying to myself that this is none of my business.