BPDFamily.com

My wife and I have been together for 3 years and legally married for 3 months. Looking back, there were emotionally unstable patterns throughout the relationship, but I interpreted them as sensitivity, insecurity, or unresolved trauma rather than something more serious.

Over the last month and a half, things became extremely volatile. There were threats of divorce, emotional abuse, fear of abandonment, constant emotional swings, and a level of chaos that left me emotionally exhausted and confused.

Recently, she acknowledged she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and is now asking for another chance. She’s apologetic, wants therapy seriously, and says she finally understands the impact of her behavior.

I care about her deeply, but I’m struggling to know whether this can realistically improve long term or whether I’m stepping back into a damaging cycle.

For those with partners who actively committed to therapy/DBT, did things improve in a stable and meaningful way over time? What changed, and what didn’t?

A relationship can improve but you don't know if it will (promises are virtually meaningless, action and results are what count) and even then the possible improvement may not be enough to make the dysfunctional and unhealthy aspects become - over time - sufficiently functional and healthy.

The intensity of Borderline Personality Disorder, as with the other PDs, varies from person to person.  There are 9 or 10 traits that help identify a PD.  Some traits may be more severe than other traits.

Some behaviors that make BPD more resistant to therapy are the intense Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting, etc.  Many are prone to bouts of anger, distrust and insecurity.  Too often feelings and moods become their perception of reality, rather than trust and facts.

I suspect her behavior worsened recently because you just got married, which she perceived as you being more obligated to her and the relationship.  Maybe she relaxed her vigilance and senses you're now less likely to respond with an annullment or divorce, a step you no doubt want to avoid.

She says she's willing to start therapy.  Is this to please you or does she truly want to improve herself?  Will she start meaningful therapy?  Will she continue sessions for the long term and not just until she doesn't like it?  Will she diligently apply what she learns in her life, thinking and perceptions?

It is best not to think about having children until you're confident she is well along on the path to recovery.  Having children doesn't fix serious mental health issues, rather, it makes everything vastly more complicated.  Best to wait and determine how much she does improve, not how much she says she has improved.