BPDFamily.com

Well...another Mother's Day :(  (Happy Mother's Day....I hope you made the best of) I have a weird topic, and I wonder if anyone would have a thought....my 26 y/o pwBPD (daughter) does not even respond to my texts anymore (this has been at least 9 months) (I have mentioned before) attached herself, to my mother (this is a great thing, my mother let's me know how she is), my sister (I still cannot wrap my brain around this....she DESPISED my sister, many years) and my niece (a very sad story (I know this sounds very negative, my niece had a very sad episode where her husband died (long story) and I was going to take her to dinner, my washer broke and I had wet clothes all over my basement (I took the clothes to a laundromat), thereby, missing dinner. my very favorite niece UNFRIENDED me (you can't make this up), again, pwBPD despised the niece, between my sister & niece she would beg to leave family dinners, etc. in any case, I already knew not to expect any Mother's Day acknowledgement (the first year I checked my phone ALL day) however, I saw a post from pwBPD, with my mother, sister, niece, saying Happy Mother's Day....I do not know if I am overreacting, but (I just want to cry, again) I just found that so hurtful (who are you Happy Mother Daying?) I have researched BPD....does it really make one CRUEL? because I took that as a slap....it just ruined my whole day (if I am being overly sensitive, feel free to tell me :)

This happened over 20 years ago... I had called the police to report a domestic dispute.  By the time they arrived she had calmed down enough, though still angry and red-faced, that they asked me to hand our preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  He clung tighter to me so I wasn't carted off.  She gloated that they gave her a DV resources booklet.  A few days later, after I was able to copy my recording and file a report, she was arrested for (verbal) Threat of DV.  The case was months later ruled Not Guilty pursuant to case law since she didn't have a weapon in her hands.

After she was taken away I browsed our computer's history and saw she had blocked my email address on her email account.  During our entire separation, two year divorce and for many co-parenting years afterward, my email was still blocked.  For all I know, my email could still be blocked.  (Texts and calls aren't blocked.)

I think in some situations, a pwBPD can do cruel things. Doing something cruel doesn't specify the exact motive.  Why they would do it, I don't know. I think they have their own emotional issues and project them. I also think they percieve themselves in victim positon and then lash out at whoever they perceive has hurt them, whether it's actually true or not. PwBPD tend to be impulsive. What I think is less likely is that they'd actually be thinking "how can I be mean to ________"? and plan it out. I don't think your BPD child may even be focused on how her behavior affects you, just her own thinking.

Family dysfunction can affect all family members who may behave in dysfunctional ways- not because they intend to necessarily but because this is what they perceive as the "normal" in their family. The pattern can pass down to generations that also replicate what they see as "normal".

What I see in your posts ( and keep in mind, we can't know all of any situation) is that the dysfunction goes beyond your daughter. There seems to be triangulation- daughter- your mother- you. ,and a lot of people communicating indirectly through triangles. Your mother appears to be in rescuer position with your D and also possibly with you. She's the go between. While this is better than no communication, it may also be perpetuating this situation. Your D doesn't have to communicate with you because, she can communicate through your mother.

Other family members also participate in the dysfunction. Your sister and neice as well.

This is hurtful to you. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of dynamic with my BPD mother and her FOO who aligned with her. It's a very hurtful situation. I won't ask you to not be sad about it. That's impossible to not be sad that it's going on.

However, I also think it's possible to not increase the personal suffering from this by - quietly- don't say anything to anyone about it- that will play into the drama- creating some distance from this for your own emotional well being. Your feeling hurt doesn't change your D, or anyone else in the family. It has no impact on their decisions. But it affects you, and that's the reason to try to diminish it if possible.

For me, it was to step away from the triangulation. Not reach out to a family member to discuss another family member or if they bring it up, to say as little as possible, change the subject. I also kept my own personal information to myself, knowing that whatever I said to one of them would be shared with the others. I did not anounce it, that would cause drama. I just did it.

You want to keep the communication doors open. Of course if something was important, you want to know about it. But you don't need to know who gets together when, what they say or don't say. FB posts don't mean a lot- people put up an image on FB that they want people to see. For all you know, that Mother's Day get together was full of drama that you didn't have to get involved with. BPD affects all relationships. It may appear they are getting along without you, but you don't know if it's true or not.

People feel most aligned when they have a common person to blame. It may be that once you step away from the triangle, they might focus on someone else.

I don't like the idea of unfriending family on FB. However, there is a way to hide your posts from them and also see less of theirs without unfriending them. They won't even notice. You can selectively hide your posts and show a few so they don't catch on. It just creates some emotional distance from them for you.

When you speak to your mother - don't ask about your D as much, maybe not even at all for a while. If she brings it up - keep your responses less emotional. If she asks how you are doing, tell her you are doing better- don't go into it with her. If your D wants to know your feelings, she can ask you herself.

It's hard to feel happy but I hope you give yourself permission to do so. It isn't all the time. There will be a song on the radio, or a picture or post, that brings up the sadness. These relationships are significant and the emptiness is a part of this. But you are worth having some happiness too.

Mother's Day is a hard one- whether it's because of a disordered mother or as a mother.  It's OK to feel sad. You are not over reacting. It's normal. I hope though that this next step for you is to take a step back from this family dynamic- and have some happy moments ahead.

Hi Bpdstinks,


However, I also think it's possible to not increase the personal suffering from this by - quietly- don't say anything to anyone about it- that will play into the drama- creating some distance from this for your own emotional well being.

I totally agree.

My udd is still in contact with members of my family, my mother included and has had regular contact with udd during our 6 years estrangement. Most of my family have witnessed udd's hostile behaviour towards me. They have even witnessed her physically attack me but maintain regular contact(apart from her siblings who she doesnt speak to) and include her in family functions meanwhile Iam left out yet am not the aggressor. I think the cruelty aspect comes from them wanting us out of their lives. My udd has shown minor passive aggression to other family members but not to the point that she has done with  me to the point of physical attack. I dont ask them about my udd because Iam now enjoying my life and have a lot of other positives in it. Apart from not seeing my grandchildren I dont miss anything else. I dont miss the abuse, the silent treatment, the lies, the circular arguments or the uncomfortable feeling  that came with being in contact with udd so for me it has been ok to not get these invites if udd has already accepted and will give the grandkids a good day out, then so be it.

I agree that it is good to know that your udd has someone in the family to turn to, but I dont think that enquiring information about your udd is particularly helpful. It is not allowing you to heal and move forward. That is another reason why I dont do FB. I find it more healthy to separate these relationships without the triangulation. I dont torment myself anymore thinking I need to reach out and fix things. I know I cant. I didnt cause this and neither can I cant cure it. I have to accept it. My mental health has improved so much by putting all the dysfunction out of my  life and moving on. I believe all failed r/s are meant to teach us something about ourselves or others and non are perfect including those between mothers and daughters and you shouldnt let Mothers Day that comes around once a year define your WHOLE life as a personal failure.






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Thank YOU!  That was very powerful and helpful information and I am going to take it to heart!  I have zero doubt my mother LOVES her (that is a good word for it) RESCUER role!

BPDs always have a favorite person (or a small group of favorite people).  They see them as perfect people who never do any wrong, and they completely believe that...until they do something wrong.  Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect.  Eventually, the BPD will realize that their favorite person is not who they thought they were (again, because nobody is perfect) and over time, they will turn on them.  At some point, they become a horrible person who is out to hurt them, and they never do anything right.

BPDs deal in absolutes so much more than the average person.  Someone is all good or all bad.  They're always kind or always mean.  They always do this, but never do that.  The list goes on and none of this is sound thinking because always/never isn't real.

Now, here's where you come in.  If you're in the "always bad" category, then you were likely once in the "always good" category before that and one of her favorite people.  Something changed due to mental illness, just like it always changes.  And since she always has to have favorite people, the relatives she used to hate are suddenly seen as good and friend-worthy.  This will continue until another shift happens- maybe she gets mad at the cousin or grandma. 

Then all of a sudden, she needs someone to talk bad to about grandma and she tries to reconnect with you.  If you're receptive, then maybe you're back to being "all good" while grandma is an evil bully.  This cycle continues throughout a BPDs life.

BPD is a disorder where the closest people get the brunt of the angst and emotional impact.  Perhaps that's why your daughter - with such a close connection to you - has been so supercharged emotionally with you for so long and yet not quite as much with her other relatives.

Yes, it doesn't make common sense but who expects that when mental illness is involved?

I didn't want to say too much about your mother but she's a part of this too. This may be the family dynamic she grew up with.

Most of my mother's FOO are not disordered but I have heard people talk about distant family members not speaking to each other, for reasons I don't know.

There was a time when BPD mother was angry at me and they aligned with her and didn't communicate with me. I will admit, - that was difficult. I cried alot over it but I stepped away from drama with them.

Eventually, they did reconnect with me, and I decided I would not talk to them about her- not triangulate. Eventually we did discuss her in the context of the issues in her elder years- they were concerned about her, so I kept them informed but this was not triangulating. I also decided to not triangulate with her about other family members.

I kept in mind that anything I said to anyone in her circle would be shared with her.

This is why I think your mother being the go between is perpetuating your D's distance with you. She is actually communicating with you, and hears about you through your mother. She doesn't need to contact you directly.

"Keep your cards to yourself". Stepping off the triangle is a silent decision, not a reaction. It's a decision to not share as much personal or emotional content in order to lessen the drama. If you are venting to your mother, and your D is- mother's  the go between. Don't say anything about what you are doing, just take the emotion down. Focus on you and your own activities.

PwBPD's seem to gravitate to drama. The less you are involved in it, the less they are inclined to keep it up, at least with you.

I have always paid close attention to the favorite person, however, I find that so interesting, I never thought of the favorite person SWITCHING, that is eye-opening.  I have ZERO doubt my mother wants to be a "rescuer", I believe she has very low self-esteem and this draws attention to her; as children she would either be "nice" to me or to my sister, however, never to both at one time.  My therapist uses the term "diad"; I also speak to her about how to be "ready" in case pwBPD attempts to reconnect!  Thank you!

The favorite person (FP) can switch. Mostly my sibling was the FP to BPD mother but sometimes it could be me, on occasion. Or someone else. BPD mother might go from idealizing someone and then split on them.

If someone is in FP position, they can just as easily go out of it.

It can be a version of the Karpman triangle- where someone can be either rescuer or persecutor to the pwBPD.

Your mother may not have BPD herself, not everyone who does this has BPD,  but this can be part of the family dymamic.

Very interesting...my mother MUST have SOMETHING!  I am a very anxious person, myself! This has been 3.5 years of minimal contact, so....I would do ANYthing for just a text :)

Hi Bpdstinks,

I believe my mother must have something too. My elder sibling has always been the Favourite Person/golden child" and can do no wrong. I was always closer to my father growing up and and I felt she was jealous of our relationship and hated me for it. I think she despised our relationship because she wanted her children to only show her love. My younger siblings have never been close to her either.

Now my mother has rewritten my childhood and said  that I was a terrible child to raise!!!!!...... I was a shy quiet homebody. A bookworm who went to school regularly (even getting an award for my attendance) A good student, had hobbies, no interest in boys until I was late in my teens, never in trouble outside of the home...I was a total opposite of udd!!!!....yet my mother has always spoken up for udd and made excuses for her bad behaviour and they still have a "close relationship",   Udd  has also cut my mother off over the years if she has dared to confront her about anything  and then over time udd will just reappear again with no questions asked but i dont feel that it is a genuine relationship and that they are not truly being themselves when they are together. My guess would be that my mother has NPD and Udd has Bpd/Npd. They must get something from each other .I just dont know what it is and I cant work it out :(