BPDFamily.com

I haven’t posted for a while. I find that lately, venting and sharing, especially with friends, no longer helps me. I end up feeling like I brought my husband to lunch with me, instead of just enjoying breaking bread  with my friend.  I also ruminate more, after venting.

At home, the part of my husband that needed to criticize me every second, has noticeably diminished.  It may be because I no longer take it personally, and I don’t react - I ignore him or give him a flat answer, like, “Uh-huh.” I’ve gotten good at not absorbing his venom. It could also be because nearly a year ago, I released a ton of rage, yelling and screaming at him, telling him he’s abusive, etc.  He’s been quieter since then.

Still, he takes micro jabs at me, almost daily. He’s still negative 365 / 24 / 7. Somehow, I manage to hold on to my inner peace. I used to need to leave the room a lot, to take breaks from him, but not so much lately. I stay in my own bubble.  I see him as a sick person — I don’t relate to him the way I relate to everyone else in my universe.  There’s a deep separation. I don’t love him, so that’s makes it easier.

I’d love to be on my own, but being nearly 80, and on a fixed income, it’s not something  I can do.  I have friends, but they can’t support me like a sister or an aunt, living in homes with extra space, could do.  Sadly, that part of my support system has passed away — they can’t help me.  So, I just continue to enjoy my friends and activities that don’t include him. I have my own life.  I rarely go anywhere with him — He’s too difficult. 

I’ve spoken to lawyers. It has only helped to show me how anemic my resources are. 

I think I have to continue enjoy the life I’ve built without him. He’s just a roommate.  The only way I can get him out of my life. (for now), is to continue to strengthen my boundaries, and enjoy the part of my life that doesn’t include him. I’ve got to be happy, in spite of him — It seems to be my only option.

Upward and onward.

Just sharing.

Jazz