BPDFamily.com

It’s been a long while since I last posted. I felt I needed a break and some things seemed to be getting better. But it’s rough again and I’m struggling to decide what to do about it.

Problem 1: My parents just moved from my hometown 45 minutes away to a new house about 2 miles from us. It’s had uBPDh in a spiral of anxiety. He’s convinced they’ll be coming by our house all the time or insisting on family dinners every week. This, even though they have never shown signs of this and have always respected space and boundaries. Not to mention they’re very active and have a lot of friends and family here. They’ll hardly rely on us for company.
Yesterday, he bumped into them at the grocery store. They all spoke to each other and I thought it sounded fine,” from his description. Later, he was dysregulated (and had been drinking, as I found out later) and went on and on about how they couldn’t get away from him fast enough and that my dad had “a look.”
My family is an ongoing issue. He wants to belong, but feels nervous and backs out of gatherings often. When he does go, I’ll hear about his anxiety for days before and if anything rubs him wrong, it will come up for years.
He’s convinced they don’t like him and I feel like there’s nothing I can really say or do, yet keep hearing it.

Problem 2: His mom. She’s a difficult woman. I get along with her fine, but she and uBPDh have a troubled relationship. She’s likely got some sort of OCD. She’s obsessive about people’s weight and brings it up constantly. But, there’s no one to help her with things other than uBPDh, as he’s an only child and she’s cut herself off from any friends.
For a while, it was fine, but now almost any time he talks to her he ends up in a horrible mood.
She lives 2.5 hours away, so we don’t see her much. She doesn’t drive on the highway anymore. But now she makes comments about my family living closer — passive-aggressive comments about seeing them more. Then uBPDh goes off on me about how my family is more important. I’ve told him for more than a year that we should spend Thanksgiving with her, yet he keeps saying “I know we’ll have yo do Thanksgiving here in the new house.” Drives me crazy. I’ve said the exact opposite.
Visiting her involves planning and a dog sitter, but I’m always willing and supportive. Truth is, he hates going and never wants to go, but when upset, he’ll pin it on me.

Problem 3: SS15, but that would be a post of its own.

I know all this is pretty typical projection, feelings = facts, etc. But I’m getting more than a little fed up.

It just all feels hopeless. My family isn’t going away anytime soon and I’m so tired of any get-together (he says it’s all the time, but there hasn’t been one since Christmas) or text (there’s a full family text string and my niece in college sends a lot about what she’s up to) triggering him.