BPDFamily.com

Hi again.

I've read through so many of your posts and wish I had wise words for you - but here I am also asking questions. I wonder if there's ever a time when life becomes "normal" again. :(

I'm the mom of a 27 year old sdd (self diagnosed daughter) often tells me she wants to die.  I listen. I don't try to argue it, or fix it. I know better now.

When she splits, there's often the same comments so I'd love to know how to respond - or what you guys have tried.

Examples of the two most common that get me every time.  Any advice would be helpful.

Both of these are often in response to me telling her to stop a behaviour (yelling, calling me names, scolding me for something) and she will say "It's always about you, mom, isn't it.  You always have to make it about you" and I will respond (per my therapist) "In this moment, yes, I need to remind you that we need to be respectful to each other" (or something similar.) (this never works btw)  She will ultimately say one of the two following and it shuts me down.  I just don't know what to say or do. 

1. I only don't "do it" (commit suicide), because I don't want to hurt you, dad and my sibling - but since you don't care about me, then I won't care and I'll just go ahead though you won't see it coming.  (she knows I'll call 911 if she says it's imminent)

2. I hope you can live with yourself on the morning you wake up, and I don't, knowing it's your fault.  (This one cuts me so deep...I don't know how to react)

My BPD daughter said similar things and they were very hard.  Eventually, if she made any kind of threat like that I dialed 9-1-1 and said that she was a threat to herself or others.  When paramedics arrived, I would repeat that phrase over and over again, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Sometimes I'd add, "I don't feel safe with her being in the home right now, not with the way she's acting and the stuff she's saying."

Sometimes, they'd take her away for hours, days, or weeks.  Sometimes, they'd leave while filing a report.  But I did it anyway, every time, when her mood switched to highly disordered and she was screaming, crying, or whichever way the wind blew that day.  If she was truly unhinged, I dialed 9-1-1 every single time...even if paramedics had left 3 minutes earlier.

What quickly happened is that my daughter stopped those types of threats completely, because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  Whether she was truly suicidal or she just wanted to manipulate/hurt me, I really didn't care...I dialed 9-1-1.  And that took that particular weapon out of her arsenal after the 3rd or 4th involuntary hold.

Note that I didn't say, "She's suicidal."  That means she can say, "No I'm not."  Case closed, nothing happens.  By saying, "My kid is a threat to herself or others," now you're making it a mental health emergency that affects your wellbeing and everyone in the home as well.  They have no choice but to take her for an ambulance ride and a psych evaluation. 

She'd often be home the next day, but again, it's not completely about that.  It's about ending those types of threats so they're not weaponized against your family.