BPDFamily.com

My husband (undiagnosed but very likely BPD) is in a different state visiting his mom. He went there to help her move. On Monday he realized that what he had spent a lot of time doing is actually not helpful. He could have been spending time better. He tried to reach out to me about it but got caught up in something else he was annoyed at me about and got too upset to even share. We have been fighting since. He insists I am never there for him and I don’t care. He was supposed to come home on Wednesday and he didn’t. He wanted me to prove somehow I care in a new way but rejected all my attempts. He kept saying I have done nothing. On Friday he almost calmed down but then I was distracted with our kid and missed a chat from him and he perceived that as rejection. Now he is full of hate, he keeps blocking me and then saying I am ghosting him. He has mentioned suicide. It is Sunday and I am the villain because I am not treating this with enough urgency and spending time with our kids. I just don’t know what to do. I also feel like he is treating me bad but I am torn between being understanding of his pain and feeling totally rejected and mistreated.

Hi Trony. It's been a while since you posted. Sending care and strength. Do you have any updates to share? Suicide threats are very traumatic to experience.

"I am torn between being understanding of his pain and feeling totally rejected and mistreated."

You are being totally rejected and mistreated.

Can you give us an update on you and your family?  So sorry we didn't promptly respond sooner to this post.  Here are a couple thoughts on these issues.

Suicide threats... No one expects you to discern the difference between suicidal ideation versus manipulative venting.  Leave that to the professionals, including the emergency responders.  However, be aware that if help is summoned, many who made such threats will Deny having done that, even claiming it was you.  So, knowing that likely Denial, best to have witnesses or a recording or a text/email.

Endless fighting or bickering... This is harder to address since it's a dysfunctional relationship dynamic established over years.  Many approaches to this are found on our |---> Tools & Skills Workshops  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) board.  Among that long list there are two notable ones:

• How we communicate... JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) fails when the other is in an argumentative mood or dissociated state.  Those are our logical approaches but they boomerang when they either can't or won't listen.  It's almost as though logic triggers them even more.  The link above mentions SET, DEARMAN and BIFF, strategies to foster calmness rather than triggering.
• How to improve our Boundaries... When the other starts ranting and raging, in most cases better to let them alone to hopefully reset themselves.  As the cartoons humorously say, "Exit stage left."  Can you go with the children to another room?  Can you go to the supermarket, park, neighbors or take a walk, taking the children with you, and return once the other has calmed a bit?