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I think my husband has bpd but not sure. We go through a continuous pattern of him getting angry or triggered by things-it could be simple like the way I phrase something, how I said it, etc. it is so difficult to have normal conversations if we disagree or have conflict because once he snaps-there is no reasoning with him. He says terrible mean things but when it’s over he is back to his normal kind and loving self. Asking him to help me with the bills is even difficult because for some reason he gets offended. I am so drained because I feel like I am walking on egg shells. After every single conflict or argument, it feels like I am the one at fault no matter what.I have read a lot on bpd because my therapist said it sounds like my husband could be dealing with this. I don’t know how to cope

Welcome!  We know you're in a difficult situation, there's far more conflict in your life than you wish.  Please feel free to ask questions while reading and pondering the variety of posts, ideas, skills and strategies found here.

Don't worry whether someone has BPD or any other sort of personality disorder.  Why?  The fact is that many of us here have spouses, ex-spouses, parents, siblings, children, in-laws, etc who have never been diagnosed or refuse to be diagnosed.  That's a fact of life for us.  So, instead, we ponder their perceptions, behaviors and actions.  If those things do fit with identified BPD traits, then that's good enough to use that as a foundation from which to start and go forward from there.

One aspect of BPD is that it is a disorder of close relationships, he closer the relationship, the more impacting it is to those close to them.  For example, someone on the periphery or with only occasional contact may only notice something "off", no big deal, but to those close it is virtually a never-ending crisis.  There was even discussions in recent years to rename Borderline to Emotional Disregulation or something similar.

Here's a few reasons why, despite your close relationship, you've been unable to improve things.  First, society hasn't provided you with |---> tools and skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) to deal with BPD.  Fortunately, we have a variety of topics you can browse.  Take advantage of our hard-won experience.

Second, there is probably too much emotional baggage of the relationship for your spouse to really truly listen to you.  That's not your fault, it's the nature of the disorder.

That's why focused therapy from a person which has no emotional connection has a better track record.  (Counseling is great for everyone!)  Still there is no guarantee of an improvement.  Many persons with BPD traits (pwBPD) have intense levels of Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.