BPDFamily.com

My wife and I expect our third child. We are super happy.
Of course, every time I am happy, I am scared of sharing my happiness with my BPD brother. When I announced I was getting married, we were in a good relationship, so he was clearly shocked but nothing too bad happened. When I announced the coming of my first, he was not writing to me. He did not respond and, months later, said he didn't because he thought I wasn't ready.
When I announced my second, he "jokingly" said I had to stop having babies because otherwise he would get less money when our parents died. Few months later he added he wasn't joking and that it was a reasonable position.

Now I had no idea what to do with the announcement of this third because right now we are no contact. He chose it, and right now I am very happy about this choice because the situation had become unbearable for me. This no contact made me realise a lot of things, to be honest. BTW, the only contacts we have are emails he sends to my mom's therapist, copying me in, about supposed wrongs we do to him. In one of the latest emails he wrote that he didn't even want to hear about me if I died.

Talking with my wife, she made a good point: whatever you do, it will not work. If you somehow write to him, he'll lash out. If you don't, he will lash out. It's a lose lose, so if you don;t want to write, just don't do it, which is exactly what he told you to do.
I still thought it didn't cost me much to send him a text, and ignore his shenanigans later on, but my mum offered to tell him herself. I asked her at least 3 times if she really wanted to do it, as I didn't want to put her in a difficult position for my laziness. She said yes and seemed confident enough. We didn't talk about it anymore, and I assumed she had told him, as every time we talked over the phone she referenced the pregnancy no problem, and he lives with her. I also never thought about asking her, as in case she had not told him and he heard I was referencing it (or read a text) it would have been even worse.
Turns out, 3 weeks later she had NOT told him. Today he found out from somebody, and of course the reaction was the worst possible. I am really sorry for  my mom. I mean, I told her she didn't need to do it and she willingly offered to help, but maybe I should have just written to him myself. Had I known she was postponing this, I would have understood she didn't really want to tell him...

ANyway, I suppose what I need to understand is I have no responsibility over how my brother reacts and there is nothing I could have done to make things better. Maybe next time I will not let my mom take over such a responsibility, even if she says she does not think it is so difficult... But if she offers to help, it is her right to do it, and I don't have responsibility oevr what she does afterwards, I suppose.

Congratulations on your happy news!
I don't think this could have gone well with your brother no matter how he found out.

I agree- you aren't responsible for your brother's feelings or his reaction. Also, your mother agreed to tell him and then didn't- that is on her. You aren't responsible for that either.

Still, it's great news and you and your wife can protect your own happiness. If anything- I'd consider this a learning experience for the future. You see now that maybe your mother got distracted, forgot, or she herself didn't think there was a good time to tell your brother. Now you know she may have this tendency, so something to keep in mind.

Congratulations again!