BPDFamily.com

So I am fairly new here and have only posted a couple of times but everyone's feedback and experiences really helped me. I have the feeling of so much guilt lately, my 22 year old daughter has BPD and she has cut me out of her life about 3 months ago. I live with my fiance and he has an 18 year old daughter who absolutely adores me and she no longer has a relationship with her mother and considers me more of a mother. The thing is I get this feeling in my stomach whenever we are doing something and I can't enjoy myself because I feel guilty like I am replacing my daughter. My daughter used to get along really well with my fiances kids in the beginning but now has no use for them. I am always blaming myself for my daughter and always going through of what I could have done differently. 
My step daughter has asked me if I would like to go out shopping for a girls day sometime and I instantly had knots in my stomach from the guilt. I just don't know how to work through this I love my daughter so much and I wish I could go back and do something different for her...what I have no idea. I have a son as well who is 20 years old and we have an amazing relationship, I just don't know how 2 kids raised the same can be so different.
This guilt is going to put me over the edge, I cry almost every day thinking of how she must feel thinking I have let her down. I am willing to try anything to work through this guilt.

Hi Mom,

Many parents here are wracked with guilt, even if they did their absolute best with their children.  I think it's OK to sit with that feeling, but please don't beat yourself up too much.  You probably did your best, but things didn't go as you hoped.  Maybe there were a few things you regret, and hey, that's completely normal, because you're human, not perfect!  I hope you give yourself a little grace.  Why not start by forgiving yourself?

And how about this:  why don't you forgive your daughter for making you feel so miserable?  She's an adult, you did everything in your power to prepare her for the world, and now she's out there.  She needs to find her way, and if that means she cuts of contact with you for a while, so be it.  My guess is that she feels like she's a failure, and she doesn't want to feel the pressure of harsh judgment from you, even if it's entirely imagined.  By keeping her distance, she's avoiding feelings of inferiority, shame and guilt.  That could be why she's extemely jealous of any attention you give to your stepchild--because she thinks the stepchild has "upstaged" and "usurped" her, becoming the "good" child while she's the "evil" one.  The thing is, with BPD, she sees everything in black and white, and she takes everything like a personal affront.  Rather than deal with the truth--she acted in a mean way, she's not doing the work she should be doing, she's lazy/selfish/petulant/irritable/hostile--what she does is weave a victim narrative.  That flips the script and makes everyone else--especially you--the reason for all her troubles.  But here's the thing.  I think she needs some separation from you to realize that you can't possibly be the cause of all her problems.  Because if she's flailing and fighting all the time, when you're not even around, then maybe she'll come to the realization, hey, it's not mom, it's me.  I need to get help because I can't take this anymore, and I can't just blame mom.  Blaming mom (e.g. a terrible, abusive childhood, a childhood memory from over a decade ago) stops "working" for her.  The sooner this realization happens, the better in my opinion.

In the meantime, my advice is, you need to model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That means taking care of yourself, your health and finances, doing fun things and enjoying your homelife.  That means letting go of things you can't control, like your BPD daughter's feelings.  That means giving yourself some grace, accepting that things aren't perfect, but that you did the best you could with what you had at the time.  And then when your dear daughter contacts you again, you'll be in a calm, healthy, happy place.

Hey Mom!

It's so hard at first, we want our kids in our lives and it's devestating when they're not.  I went through that a few years back with my non-BPD daughter and it's just as painful.  The difference is that my kid just needed some time and we were able to reconnect naturally.

With my BPD daughter, it's always a very different process.  She explodes, tells me off, disappears for days/weeks and then texts me for gas money out of nowhere.  Then I don't hear from her for six months.

I've realized over the years that these two relationships are certainly not equal.  One is a genuine father/daughter relationship and the other is me catering to the endless needs of my mentally ill daughter.  Either I do what she wants, when she wants or eventually there's serious conflict...and that's not a relationship.  So I stopped fighting for that many years ago.

While I love both my daughters equally, I refuse to fight to be involved with someone who treats me badly.  And by doing that, our relationship has actually improved quite a bit.  I rarely help financially anymore and she rarely asks.  While it's sad, I think it's the best possible option when looking at all the potential choices.  When we do talk, we get along well because I'm not longer in her inner orbit.

For your guilt, I'd say that it is not yours to carry.  You didn't create this situation and you didn't cut your daughter off.  She made adult choices and she's living by those adult choices.  Let her.  That's not a you-thing at all.