BPDFamily.com

I have been married for over 30 years. We didn't have words like BPD when we got together.  My husband knew he had issues and sought treatment throughout the years with limited success.  I used to say even to him it was like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Then I read here that it's what people describe it!

I have read that some posts that women have attended domestic support groups and their partners with BPD tell them it's not abuse.  I have been down the round and finally hit the wall and called a crisis center one day after leaving the house after one of outbursts.  I sat in a park talking to a man from the domestic abuse hotline explaining "my role" and what my husband says I'm doing.  the man said to calmly you know your not safe.  What makes it even more difficult is that I developed a chronic condition that affects my heart so it's turning into a life and death situation. My husband at the time uses physical and as well as verbal intimidation as well as verbal abuse.  I reached out to a therapist and we worked together.  What I thought was depression turned out to be PTSD.  I didn't realize that years of living this way and also having a father with similar issues could lead to that.  There is not an antidepressant for that. 

I told my husband two years ago I was going to leave him that what was going on is abuse and I'm done. He said he'd get help.asked me to give him a chance. He joined a domestic violence offenders group.  Although he did not beat me it was clear to the psychologists leading the group that physical and verbal intimidation abuse.  period.

What the domestic abuse counselors told me, because I wanted hope, was that change takes a very long time but it possible.  My husband at this point thought it was just anger management and he had some depression.

Fast forward two years, my son is diagnosed with BPd he is an adult and doing well in his life but struggles with interpersonal relationships.  My husband finally came to terms with his own BPD. Actually he just likes to call it a personality disorder. He is less physically intimidating which is progress.

He still has outbursts but I guess for him you say he is trying.  After a period of self righteous statements why his behavior was just or what he said was justified, it follows with gas lighting, "I never said that" to apologies, shame and I'm trying.

I have tried "grey rocking" and encouraging words during the good times.  But I just do think I can do this anymore.  I just don't the person who treats me poorly.  I can accept a mental health condition and told him so.  What I can take anymore is how he talks to me when he is going through his episodes.  Yes I'm going through therapy.  But I find while I can not take personally what he says to me (name calling or labeling me) I just don't think I can love him knowing that he could harm me given my chronic illness and it is taking so much out of me to self protect.  t

I think we're in a good place and then all of a sudden he I allegedly say or do things that trigger him.  It's like walking on a field with land mines never knowing if I am going to set one off.

I don't this I'm in the place to manage this any more. I love the kind person he is but it's like only loving half a person and that's not fair to him either.  I can love my child unconditionally with BPD setting healthy boundaries but I can't do the same with my husband. I can certainly set boundaries with him of course and I do but in the end I am finding I cannot be myself and I am just following a BPd script.  He says he loves me so much but year but mental health or not it is difficult to unhear his tone, his name calling and demeaning words. After he apologizes which is doing better to repair quickly he just expects me to bounce back and be my happy self.  It's a vicious cycle.

I guess I just need some support at this point.  I understand how I got here. I've done my own work but the work I'm doing requires me to not blame myself, it's all the same work a person who goes through domestic violence recovery goes through. I feel like the only thing I can do to save myself is leave the marriage.

I'm so sorry.  My ex wife also had BPD and that's likely why my oldest daughter developed it.  It is so very difficult but I never once thought about leaving because of our kids.  I don't know if that was the right move or not, to be honest.  I stood by her though until she left me for another man after 23 years of marriage.

I can't tell you what to do here because every relationship is different.  I fought so hard to restore my marriage for about a year, even though I knew she was unfaithful, she refused to return home, and she treated me like garbage.  Over time though, once I got over the codependence bond, I realized that so much of what I considered "regular life" was abusive and toxic. 

In your other post I just wrote that I had a heart attack in my early 50's due to the stress...I meant to type early 40's.

Once I decided that I was moving on and no longer looking backwards, I literally felt 20 years younger.  The stress and chaos was almost completely gone, although I did still have bad dreams from time to time.  I'm guessing that could be PTSD as well, but I never sought a diagnosis.  Today it doesn't exist though and I am very mentally healthy.

As a Christian, I'd say to try to save your marriage by learning to communicate in a different way.  The tips and tools sections at the top of this page are an excellent place to start.  That's the reason I never considered divorce though, because of my faith.  That's probably the only reason and I don't regret letting the kids grow up at home with mom and dad.  But man, I overlooked so much that was horrible in my life to make the marriage work.  I am very thankful that I'm in a different chapter of life now.

Thank you.  What has kept us together has been faith and family values but I fear it is no longer enough. I don't think I have the strength anymore for the ups and downs. Before my chronic condition progressed, I grounded him. I weathered his tirades and did what I could to keep it away from the kids.

I am compassionate to his problems but I'm worn down.  I don't have the energy for it anymore because I need a low stress environment..  I have to feel physically well to deal with it and now it just feels plan cruel when he's acting out when he knows it could cause me harm.