BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have posted on the bord before, when I was still trying to find a way to fix things. Unluckily, the situation escalated real quick and I am now forced to stay at a friend's. I think my 12-year relationship is coming to an end.

Life after marriage (2024) has not been easy for me. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had several surgeries and treatment which lasted for a year. I lost my jobs, my savings, my independence, my own mental health. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile, my pwBPD accepted a job offer abroad and left. It was a shared decision, since life in our home country was starting to be economically unsustainable. Everything started to crack and BPD behavior such as blame shifting and silent treatment started to resurface, surely also triggered by my instability and mood swings.

The thought of being together again kept me going, and as soon as I finished treatment I moved abroad to join him. I knew it would be hard, but we agreed I could take my time to heal, find a job, and get back on my feet. I was so grateful for being alive and having this chance. However, things had changed a lot in his life. I knew from day one that, despite loving words and loving gestures, he had gone back to his 'need for absolute freedom', and started to detach. It had happened before, and I was able to spot these familiar red flags, but I ignored them.

I believe my biggest mistake was to underestimate my own mental health and extreme fragility up to the point I started having panic attacks and lashing out whenever I saw hints of his discard attempts. I feel extremely guilty and I regret not seeking help earlier, although I know relationally that his BPD left untreated would eventually destroy everything.

We had a huge fight a week ago, after he announced he wanted to go on a solo trip and would probably leave in two days. I took out my wedding ring and said: "I cannot go on living this way, I need someone who doesn't play with my life like this", to which he replied "I am like this, if you don't accept it it's over". That night he returned home drunk at 4:00 AM, refusing to acknowledge the absurdity of it all. I left the house for a few days so that we could cool down, after agreeing we would speak again on Sunday. Well, he asked me for a divorce that day. He told me that the last few days of his life had been the most amazing he had had in months and that there is no way of fixing things. He also told me that one of the two had to go as soon as possible. In the end it was me, since after a very intense panic attack he called a friend and asked her to "come and take me away". I am at her house now. She has been extremely kind and is also shocked by the coldness and irresponsible behaviour.

I am just devastated. I do not know how to cope, since I have nothing left and am in a very bad place, psychologically. It has all been too much, and I feel like this divorce is the last straw. I don't know where to go, howe I can survive in this foreign country I know to little about, and how I can overcome this. I haven't slept or eaten for two days. I have always been an independent, resilient person, but I have never fallen this deep. How can one person go through all these events, all this pain, and keep going on?

Hello and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like a terrible situation all the way around.

First, do you have a valid passport?  If so, you can go to your US embassy in that country and they will get you a flight home.  If you don't have a valid passport, they'll help you get one.  I'm assuming you're American; I apologize if I'm wrong.  If you're from Europe or elsewhere though, the process is largely the same.  The embassy will help get you home or point to the resources that will.

To answer your question above directly, the way a person gets through something this horrible is by changing direction.  You can't stay on this path since it's clearly destructive.  Get home to family, get your health in order, get your mind in order.  The marriage stuff can wait...that's not important right now.

Hi Pook,

Thank you. I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary to write again. But this is happening at it is what it is.

I am from the EU, and the country I moved to is also within the Schengen Area. Going back would not be hard. I am thinking about it. I  have learned the language. I had just found a part-time job when this all happened.

Part of me would like to stay, rebuild, recover. I am just so scared of what's ahead. I have never been this scared.

Hey Pluie,

Staying is certainly an option and it's 100% your choice.  I'd just advise you to get to the place where you'll have the easiest time recovering both physically and mentally.  You have to get from under all that stress that you're currently facing.

The marriage is important, don't get me wrong, but your health is so much more important and it's your most pressing matter.  If you can stay and heal, there's nothing wrong with that.  But who would you have if you returned home?  I'd think about your imediate support systems, access to healthcare, and the people within your life.

Again, nobody can tell you to stay or go.  My main concern is you right now since you're not dealing with this well.  So many of us have been there, but we weren't alone and isolated like you are currently.

Hi Pook,

Thanks again for replying. I believe you're right, I need to find a safe space.

No problem at all, please continue to talk this out and let us know how you're doing.  While this is merely peer-support, having someone that's "been there" and understands can sometimes be so valuable.  I'm currently living in the Philippines so I get it; being away from home with medical stuff going on is extremely stressful.  It took me a few years to figure out healthcare here.