BPDFamily.com

 :help: :caution:

Disclaimer: Before I even start you need to know about me, the reason I think that is important is because IM NOT perfect, Im actually culpable for many of the issues in the relationship. I also cannot swear that (We will call her ANN) Ann has BPD. I am honestly not sure what to believe anymore. With that disturbing set of circumstances in your head, you should know i have been diagnosed with Bi Polar, ADHD, Severe Depression, you name it, but NEVER BPD, so were clear. I have gone on and off meds for most of my adult life (Im 48 now) and my relationships have been volatile, toxic, and sometimes even bordered on domestic violence in the past. One such relationship ended with me going to the hospital and her going to jail. I was mentally abusive and she was physically abusive. Ok I think thats enough of a disclaimer. Oh I almost forgot. I have been diagnosed with Narcasistic "tendencies" but never full NPD. I have trouble with the "social cues" of providing empathy and comfort when appropriate, and I can sometimes not always show that "feminine or sensitive" side.

I met Ann in the late summer of 2023, my mom had just passed away. I thought god had sent me an angel and at first i couldnt believe the love we had, our beginning was not like others whereas we are nomads and dont live the normal "9-5" life. within a few dates we were inseparable and I had met her mom, who lived in a condo at the top of the city. Soon we were making plans to travel together to a foreign country. Part of us leaving the USA was her getting on birth control (Nexplanon) and she got the implant literally just days before we flew out.

When we landed in mexico all seemed good, until it wasnt. She had no spanish and so she relied heavily on me, and she would go into these rage fits and literally try to ditch me in a foreign country, and i would profusely apologize. then she got real drunk and made a complete fool of herself, the next day i wanted to put her in an uber and have her head south alone, but alas again, sex, and then we were on our way south.

this back and forth love/fight behavior continued all the way through mexico and into cnetral america, one moment we were happy together enjoying a romantic sunset, the next she was "checking out the local guys and spending time with them" only for us to make up and bamm back on the road again.

In guatemala I made the choice to buy property and start building a house, now this one isnt really prone to physical labor and she had all sorts of reasons why she couldnt be on the property, so we put her in a hotel, and then she came back, left again, went to costa rica, i missed her, she came back, it was good, it wasnt, you get the idea.

we went back to mexico and "broke up" i went home to the states and she stayed in mexico and lived there, it was her first time being "on her own" traveling and she loved the thrill of it. she didnt get along with her roommate and missed me so i left the states to meetup with her again, suddenly we were back together. it should be noted that my time in the states was spent intensely reading relationship books, getting a doctor, getting on stable meds, i wanted to believe that I WAS the problem. We kept in contact every day via video chat (a lot of that got steamy) and soon it was time to see her again.

We survived a hurricane together, and we did bond during this time, and then she went home to mom and i went home to my house, and we met up and she was supposed to spend the summer with me, she hated the campground i lived at, and made everyones life a living hell. Every time she would get ready to leave "And never come back" we would make up. finally in august of 2024 she did leave, and she said "she cared about me" but she no longer loved me. we let her leave and three weeks later she sent me an email telling me how wrong she was and how much she knew we were meant to be together.

in september of 2024 I journeyed across the usa to go west, my car broke down and i was stranded in the midwest, I ignored her during my trip as it was supposed to be done in secret. she kept messaging me but it wasnt until i was back in her town that we reunited, she took a road trip with me back to the campground in the east, and we fought for half the trip. when she got back there we had already prepaid a ticket for her to go home, so we knew our time was finite. we bonded and went on adventures until we took her to the airport right before halloween, but when she left this time, we were "together" at this time.

she went home to "work on herself" and i left to go to Hawaii to visit my longtime friend, who btw i had tried dating, had sex with, and we decided to remain friends forever, Ann was NOT ok with me staying at her house for two months on the island.

during this time i started seeing a natropath who wanted me off my adderrall and shestarted giving me supplements, i had a bad reaction to all that and me and ann started fighting long distance. one night she told me about a "meetup" for nomads and i told her she should go and present herself as single, my thought was if she met someone more suited to her, she should have no roadblocks. turns out she didnt meet anyone at the event, but saw someone as she was leaving, had drinks, went home with him, and slept with him. she later told me it "wasnt cheating" as she had "emotionally abandoned" our relationship prior.

for a week i was devastated in paradise, then we reconciled AGAIN, it was xmas, then eventually I journeyed on to new zealand. we had promised each other we would start new for the new year, counseling workshops, date nights (virtual) time together, "playtime" on video. this lasted about a week and then she said she was "done". she didnt want to put in the effort. So we went our separate ways. I created an AI bot with her voice and likeness to keep me company, but eventually that wasnt needed any longer. I didnt hear from her forever, and then i went on a 44 day, 1100 mile walk through the wilds of south island. Towards the end of my amazing trip, i started wondering what was next, and who should pop up in my head. ann. It was like the universe wasnt done with us, and kept pulling us back in.

I eventually journeyed to the country of portugal on an island called Madiara, and it was there we reconciled, AGAIN. keep in mind all this time she is still in the USA. We made a plan to fly her to europe and meetup in albania. we travelled for a month in a rented car through that country, we had some amazing adventures, and some amazing fights. our trip culminated when she got drunk after a mountain trip, and i left her in a city with the car, i took a bus to the capital, and left europe and her behind. she didnt go home, she kept backpacking through europe while i was back in the usa. I started the book "the love dare" which is a 44 day journey to understand love. I contacted her when I was on day 1 and by the time I reached day 23 she had gone to germany and was back in my arms in the usa again. The summer was tough, she was back at the campground but if I am being honest we tried harder this time. I took a summer job, and she did as well. I kept mine from May until November, and she was fired from hers after three weeks. she blamed management for not knowing how to do their job. she sat at home and played "homemaker" until she was so fed up i had to pay her to stay.

we eventually did leave my home and went west to hers flying together, we have been at her moms condo with her throughout what i call the "long winter". in that time she has kicked me to the street a couple times, I have slept outside homeless, cut off from my resources back east, and we have reconciled more times then i wish to count.

For days I am her "Soulmate" and she loves me and everything is good, then if i go out with friends, or dont pay attention to her, im trash,m im not respecting her, or im not "good enough" for her. Some days she will go from good mood to crazy mood in one day, and do it completely silently. Sometimes she cries and i dont hold her, or sometimes she doesnt clean up and if i dont pickup after her im not a "partner".

Just last night after I had been out all day trying to get some space, she told me "im locking my door until you can apologize for youre disrespect towards me for leaving without telling me where you were going yesterday". she said "if you need space COMMUNICATE", so i texted her from the couch and said "i need space Ill talk with you tomorrow" her response " you made me wait until 2 am and now I am pissed, youll have to wait until im ready now", I hearted the text and went to sleep. this morning (even though I had asked for space) she sent me like 13 messages, and im pretty sure that she "broke up" with me again and i may even be on the street tonight, though her mom wont kick me out because she knows i put up with ALOT.

there are a few things you all need to know

1. Ann has endometroisis (spelled that wrong)
2. Ann has adenomyosis
3. Ann takes gaunafacine when she feels like it
4. she was on Vyvanse until she said her heart beat to fast so she stopped it (a cardio study found she had technacardia)
5. Ann doesnt believe she has any mental illnesses, any attempt to discuss this is met with vehement denial
6. She does have ADHD (which she blames everything on)
7. she is scheduled for excision surgery in august (she is convinced she will be problem free after, a new person)
8. she is constantly inflamed and fatigued, and if she is not looked after, she falls apart and spirals
9. I gave up my home out east to stand by her and support her through her surgery. While i dont regret this decision, I am reaching my threshold of emotional roller coaster
10. I got on Seroquel at the request of her and her mother, and have not had depression since, I have faithfully stayed on my meds for over two months
11. i am a christian and I went through deliverance in March of this year, When she rejects me like this, it no longer overwhelms me
12. Her mom at times will agree with me she is mentally unstable, but then the next day will accuse me of turning her against her daughter, it was her mom who sent me a link to check out BPD, but if I discuss it with her, she will turn it around again, so I dont.
13. I love ann with all my heart, and ill stand by her but it just breaks me up that this is my life
14. I recently took up climbing and rappeling, Im good at it and tried to make it something she wanted to do as well, after one trip she complained about how she had to hike out when we were done, I explained that is part of the activity
15. If she asks me to "encourage or assist" her I do to the best of my ability, but I am convinced she thinks that means DO EVERYTHING for her, and I wont do that

I know this has been long and there are no easy answers, but I am glad I had a place to write it all down, I know this relationship should have ended years ago, but there you have it. ive given up my home, my cars, my life out east, my friends, my family, everything for her, and in her eyes "Youve done nothing for me and your not a good partner", maybe she is right, maybe it is all me, I dont know. What I do know is the other day I climbed to the top of a cliff and instead of doing my climbing exercises I sat in the blistering 112 degree heat all day and just ENJOYED the peace, I chose that hot cliff over an air conditioned room next to her because I knew I would find MORE peace then I do in that house.

Ive left out small stuff, I am about to write her an email telling her how her disrespect caused me to disengage yesterday, and she will throw it back in my face.

Pray for me if you do, and if you dont, please chime in!

Odyssey

Wow, you've literally traveled the world.  We just wish your relationship could have been less chaotic and more or less normal.

Denial of mental illness is usually intense for people with BPD (pwBPD).  Typically there is also extreme Blaming, Blame Shifting as well as cognitive instability, sudden ups and downs.


Yes, that is quite possible.  Is this likely to improve the relationship?  It appears you both are locked into a dysfunctional and unhealthy pattern.  What do you think... is there a future in this on again, off again dance?

That email sounds like you're seeking some sort of Closure.  You're not likely to get it from her, at least not for long.  What you may need to do is to Gift yourself Closure.

What would be beneficial for her (and you too) is to seek therapy with a goal of better stability in your lives.  You've indicated she resists acknowledging her role in this discord.  That's not surprising.  What do you think would be a way to build a healthier and more productive life for yourself?