BPDFamily.com

Hi all, it’s been a while and thank you all as always for the support over the past five years. Married lesbian, dbpdw, four kids now aged 1-6.

So, I’m a pianist and piano teacher and bpdw continues to be jealous of my ability to play the piano, to use this for pleasure and work… She has always said she wants me to teach her but 12 years together and she’s barely managed any lessons because she has no patience and calls me the worst teacher ever and storms off. We don’t have time anyway with the kids being so demanding and bpdw finds learning and focusing on anything difficult.

A few years ago bpdw’s sister asked me if I could teach her little girl to play the piano (bpdw’s niece). Bpdw announced “there’s no way that’s happening I won’t allow it.” When sil asked why bpdw said, “because she’s my niece and I should be the one to teach her”. Sil pointed out, “but you can’t play the piano” and bpdw said, “I’m learning”. Needless to say the lesson never happened. Bpdw has expressed to me even before we had the kids that she would never allow me to teach our kids. I think she’s ashamed that she can’t play or teach them.

Years ago I remember expressing concerns on here about how I would handle it if the kids ever asked me for lessons. Well the other day I was online teaching and D6 came over and asked me quietly if I could teach her to play a tune. I said, “shhh not right now” and reminded her, “Mama’s working.” She has not mentioned it since.

My wife has been much more mentally stable since attending college and meeting new people recently. But I fear her reaction and how I should handle it if D6 was to ask about piano either in front of bpdw or when she’s not around. I don’t want to teach D6 to walk on eggshells. I’m pulled towards avoided the issue forever, to protect D6 from Mummy’s reaction. I also know that I have to be strong for D6. Her Mama is a piano teacher and she wants to learn to play, and as long as she wants to learn from me I want to teach her. Of course I haven’t mentioned it to bpdw. I really need some advice kind people.

There's two things going on here at once.

First, your partner is jealous of your piano skills.  To me, that's silly because we all have unique skills and we get married to combine them to benefit the household as a whole.  You have a gift of music.  I have a gift with writing/marketing.  I'm sure your partner has gifts that neither of us have as well.

The jealousy part needs to be nipped in the bud directly because it quickly becomes toxic for everyone involved. 

The second problem is what your hesitation to teach your daughter piano says about you and your household.  You can't raise kids in an environment where they're only allowed to learn things from one parent if the other supports it as well.  I can see if we're talking about bow-hunting or skydiving since there's inherent danger and other moral issues involved.  But piano?  You don't need me to tell you that there's a serious problem with that.

But you're actually taking it a step further.  It's not even allowed to be talked about in fear of how your partner might react.  The kids will pick up on this in due time (if they haven't already) and it's giving them a very warped vision of how the world works. 

You- It's okay to ask some things, but never mention other stuff.
Kid- Why?
You- Well, we don't want to upset anyone.
Kid- Okay, but how do we know if what we ask will be upsetting? 
You- Well, we don't...so you'd better ask me things in secret before asking openly. 
Kid- Are you telling me to lie?  I don't understand...
You- Well, no, not really, but you should never say anything until I tell you it's okay. 
Kid- But why?  Why would she get mad at me for asking?
You- I don't know, but we need to be careful to make sure she's not upset.
Kid- So we just need to keep secrets from her?
You- Yes, exactly.  These are secrets just between us.  It's better for everyone.

That is so incredibly toxic and damaging for the kids sakes.  Hopefully you can see that and if any of these secrets came out in the open, I don't know that's something you'd ever come back from.  The feeling of betrayal would be off the charts bad.

The solution is to confront your partner directly.  Our daughter asked me to teach her to play the piano and since it's something I'm super passionate about, it's always been my dream to pass that along to our kids.  Of course you want that, who wouldn't?  So don't walk on eggshells, this is a topic worth putting your foot down on because it's a big part of who you are.

The resulting conversation might turn ugly, but you need to stand your ground and explain that this is about who you are as a person and the best interests of the kids.  This is not a reflection on your partner at all since they teach things to the kids all the time without stern protests from you.  Keep this about you, about the kids.  Use "me statements".  And prepare for some rocky days before this passes.

You have to though for the kids sakes.  They are worth fighting for no matter what.  And your talents should not be diminished just to placate someone else's bruised ego.