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Are there others here who feel like they have survivor's guilt because they don't have bpd?  My sister had different temperaments and different family roles and treatment.  She has ubpd.  I'm having trouble feeling ok about enjoying my life, especially now that we're NC.

Meant to say "My sister and I had different temperaments and different family roles and treatment."

Each person has several factors that will differ one from another.  Partly, differences can be attributed to genetics, childhood environment, traumas, etc.

But I also think it comes down to a person's choices.  Perhaps not consciously, perhaps so far back in childhood that a person may not remember a choice or a different life path.

I have a sibling only a couple years in age apart from me whom I always used to describe as the grumpy one in the family.  It's more than that, to the point that I consider that sibling as undiagnosed Borderline.  Why?  I can't point to any single thing, perhaps there were multiple causes for the path that was taken.  In that respect, I turned out quite the opposite.

I can't help the other.  My help would be criticized and wouldn't be accepted anyway.  I do care but it will do me no good to fret over it.  I'm reminded of a saying, "Let Go and Let God".  Since it's too much for my shoulders to bear, I leave it in better hands, God's hands.

Hi,

I wish you wouldn't feel guilty.

You sound like an empathetic person.  But I'd ask, is your empathy crossing over into being toxic for you?

Are you absorbing your sibling's negativity too much?
Are you enabling your sibling's own toxic behavior?
Are you ignoring your own needs to keep the peace with your sibling?
Are you not holding your sibling accountable for their own harmful actions?
Is your sibling overstepping your boundaries designed to protect your own well-being?
Is your sibling always blaming you for things they did?

I'd say, you focus on you, and let your sibling be responsible for them.  My guess is you have little to feel guilty about.  Maybe you feel "guilty" because you've created a nice life for yourself.  Instead of guilt, I'd suggest framing it as being a role model for you sibling of what a healthy adult's life looks like.  Maybe some of your healthy habits will eventually rub off on them.

Thank you, ForeverDad and CC43.  There is so much truth in what you are saying. Helps me move towards acceptance.

I recall a saying, "The best revenge - not that we actually want revenge - is to choose to live a good life."

In other words, you've tried to work it out with the other.  It failed, not for a lack of trying, so simply do what is actually possible for yourself - cultivate a healthy and positive lifestyle - so as not to let the other person continue to sabotage you.

There are definitely times when I think she wants to sabotage me, but for the most part, I believe she -- (sometimes in a very abstract way) -- wishes me well and sabotages me as collateral damage in her own struggle.  I think that makes it harder for me to draw that bright line.

I can relate to this very much - the better things have gone for me, the more have I felt that I have needed to tone it down, and not 'rub it in anyone's face'. This started in childhood, the feeling of needing to hold back to not step on her toes. As children, I was ambitious in a way that she wasn't, and her interpretation of this has been that I was luckier.

She's so convinced that I got the better end of the deal in all ways, that I was the favourite, etc. and there's nothing I can do to change that. So then the guilt comes in instead.

Jackie40, that is definitely familiar.  Interestingly, I see some small recovery from that now happening as part of my larger movement to focus on taking care of myself -- recognizing not only that that's all I can control, but that I have a right to do it.

And the truth is, even if our parents were not as fair as they might have been (not saying they weren't, but even if), that is not our fault and it certainly can't be changed now.  We all have to deal with the hand we've been dealt -- with compassion for ourselves and for others, of course -- but it is what it is.

Much of life is a Choice.  Perhaps not a conscious choice, perhaps influenced and made more difficult by environment, genetic variances, and much more.  But... as a person grows toward and into adulthood, to some extent every person has a choice... will they choose to make life better?  None of us are perfect, but it can be a choice to Try.  And we shouldn't feel guilty if we do try to better ourselves and the other doesn't.