BPDFamily.com

Hi lovely people, I have posted on here a few times before, and this site has been so completely helpful to me. So first, thank you. Second, I am three months post-breakup. It has taken me a while to recognize that this isn't that long - three months. I saw my ex today as he had to pick up some stuff from my house (clothing). It was the briefest of exchanges. Literally less than a minute. He looked good, handsome, the side of him that has that caring voice. It ignited all that old longing. I literally collapsed crying on the floor after that encounter. It brought back all the good memories - all the fun times - there were so many! I actually loved him.

In some ways, this is good to know about my capacity - I am capable of love, of showing up with love and care. The hard part was that this brief encounter encapsulated so much of the larger relationship pattern - there and gone again abruptly, without apparent demonstration of care.

The idealize - devalue cycle in the relationship was so so hard. He would "break up" by telling me horrible things about myself, and then this would die down, and he would come back apologetic and soft, and I would go back. With some belief that it would be different (thank you people in this forum for helping me see not to put hope in that belief). I learned to accept that this person is someone who is both all of those beautiful qualities AND the very difficult qualities that cause relational harm. That one comes with the other.

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?

I super loved this man. I absolutely opened my heart. I have done alot of work to understand my own relational patterns that brought me to this relationship, and have been rebuilding my own sense of self-worth, lovableness and self-care because of this relationship. I believe now I need to be no contact because I am too raw to have any contact at this time. The wounds get reopened so quickly, and the pain comes back. There is no practical reason to be in contact so I can do this.

I think I need to also say what the pains specifically were - because I am sure I gaslight myself into thinking I am silly or a fool for being in this relationship. He would go on drinking binges for a week and not do anything about this addiction. He would focus on how I interrupted him a few times, and made this the reason to breakup. He called me "the angriest person" he ever met and that he wanted to kill himself being with me (he remained safe - just as an FYI). He would abruptly leave for a week or two, often without warning. He would say I was abusive (I wasn't) and that the"performance standards for the relationship" were ridiculous. He would say I put sexual pressure on him if I asked if he was wanting to be intimate. If I didn't ask I was also putting pressure on him. (that was a huge no win situation). He told me that he has been harbouring feelings of contempt for such a long time - that this made me question everything we did where he said the exact opposite. Obviously there is more, but one cannot write down all the venomous things that were said or done!

Anyways, I am grateful for this community and any responses.