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I have been NC with my sibling for over a year now, apart from the occasional toxic email. He lives with my mum, but now she really has had enough and she has been trying for the past year to have him move out.

Of course he refuses to leave, and says I have a "deal" with him that he can stay until our mum dies. Of course I never said anything remotely similar. Usually, I can understand the thing we discussed from which he twists reality to fit what he says, but in this case I really have no idea what he refers to.

My mum initially thought that kicking him out would have been easy, but I told her she could not just kick him out under the law of the country they live in, as he's resident at that address. Now, she has asked for help to social services and lawyers, and they basically told her she needs to have in writing a well documented case that she gave him notice etc.

Unfortunately, the house in which they live is now technically mine, after our dad passed away last year. My mum has right of residence until she's alive, but the lawyers think it would help a lot to have my involvement as the owner.

Now, I am sooo happy that I managed to finally run away from the toxic relationships between them, the triangulations etc. It seems to me that this is going to get me sucked in again. They say I ideally should send a conciliatory email asking for his opinion on the difficult cohabitation, asking if he still plans to leave etc etc. I really object to that, I know this would be useless and lead to a stream of emails and accusations.

AT the same time, I understand my mum and think it would really be time for him to leave, but if I say that I don't want to be triangulated in their relationship, it has to work both ways, if you see what I mean. I am wondering whether I should ask if me delegating my mum for this sort of decisions "officially" might work as well...

In the meantime, he just sent a kilometric email, demanding to have the ownership of the house in exchange for moving out... Yes, sure...

This is rough!  I'm sorry.

I don't have all the answers, but I do believe that lawyers base their reasoning on a set of specific concerns that generally do not include bpd. think it would be rare for them to understand bpd or, even if they do, take it into consideration when advising you.  And I agree with you that triangulation is to be avoided if possible. 

Hi there,

It sounds like you're in a pickle.  I imagine you want to help your mom regain some peace in her life.  But here's the thing.  You mention "triangulation," as well as getting "sucked in" again into a dysfunctional dynamic.  I take that to mean that your mom enables her son, correct?  That even though she's having a hard time living with him, she can't really ask him to leave?  That she can't bear to see him "thrown out on the streets?"  I imagine that's why your mom let her (adult) son live in the house in the first place, right?  And I'm guessing that ownership of the house passed to you, because you're the responsible one in the family.  Does that sound about right?

Look, if your mom really wanted her son to leave the house, my opinion is that she would have asked him to leave already.  As for initiating a formal eviction process, that's a standard process which happens all the time.  I presume that there would be a written notice and a waiting period.  Plus, if your sibling isn't paying any rent, and there's no rental agreement in place with him, then the case for eviction would be even stronger in my opinion.  I suspect that your mom, who is the one with the right to live in the house until death, should be allowed to occupy the home however she sees fit.  That should include getting rid of squatters who are a nuissance or freeloading.  She should ask him to leave, and follow whatever local eviction rules are required, if your sibling is that stubborn.

Now, of course she wants you to help, so that YOU are the bad cop.  But you know full well that will suck YOU into the dysfunctional dynamic.  By the way, I totally get how pwBPD will twist stories and make up lies about prior "deals" or "agreements" which were supposedly reached.  The entitlement always seems extreme with pwBPD, doesn't it?  And so my secondary advice is, never make a "deal" with a pwBPD that involves any up-front investment from YOU, and a future promise from the pwBPD, unless you are prepared for the pwBPD to break the promise.  In this scenario, that might look like you co-signing on an apartment for your sibling to live in.  Please don't do that, unless you're prepared to pay all the rent yourself.

Maybe you could act in an advisory capacity to your mom.  It seems to me that your sibling won't leave the maternal home because he's too comfortable.  I think you could advise your mom to make life way more uncomfortable for her son, to help him decide that living on his own is more desirable, and he might leave of his own accord.  You didn't mention too many details, but I'd suggest starting with removing luxuries for him like home WiFi/internet, phone payments, free food, free laundry and free chef/maid service.  Mom should absolutely stop giving him any spending money whatsoever.  She could change the WiFi/internet password and not tell him what it is.  She could lock the laundry room.  She could make him buy and prepare all his own food.  She could remove the door to his bedroom, as privacy is a privilege.  Or she could claim the bedroom for herself, and make him sleep on a couch.  She could clean out his closets and put his belongings in cardboard boxes and move them to the basement/garage/shed, where they need to stay until he leaves--she'd basically help him pack.  If he throws a hissy fit and makes threats, then she can call the cops.

Yet my guess is your mom won't do any of this, because your son is too difficult, and she's too much of an appeaser.  Maybe the "legal" route is the only viable one.  You could have your mom deliver him an eviction notice and then ask her to be prepared to enforce the eviction, should her son stays past the eviction date.  If she doesn't want to do that, then I think she's stuck with him.

P.S.

I though I'd add my own experience to illustrate, with the caveat that everyone is different, and pwBPD falls on a spectrum.

My adult BPD stepdaughter has lived with her dad and me (her stepmom), on and off, for most of her adult life.  There were times she was stable, namely while she was on vacation and had zero responsibilities.  Nevertheless, the second she started having some responsibilities, such as working a part-time job or working on a job search, she'd lash out in petulant anger.  She wanted to be allowed to sleep all day, consume social media all night and not contribute anything to the household.  In the short run, this was fun for her.  But in the long run, she felt bored, alienated and lacked an "identity" as an adult.  Then, something would come up, and she'd want money, typically for extravagant travel.  She had to ask her dad for the money, and that was a source of shame.  But when he attached conditions (such as employment), she balked.  And then she'd make everyone's life miserable in the home, blaming us for the sad state of her life, and not getting to do whatever she wanted.

Last fall, my husband couldn't take the situation anymore.  Though we tried to help her search for jobs, provided encouragement, and provided all sorts of support (e.g. networking connections, free travel for out-of-state job interviews), she just didn't want to do it.  Basically, she gave up.  And then the negative thinking spiral took over (it's hopeless, my life is over, nobody wants me, I'm a failure), and she started to lash out and blame us.  The home became tension-filled and toxic.

I think the core issue was parental enablement.  In essence, she was too "comfortable" in our home, because her basic needs were met (free room and board), plus privacy (her own bedroom and bathroom), free internet, free phone, no required chores, ample spending money from her dad, plus a car and car insurance paid for by her dad.  She was too content lying on her back in bed, napping or streaming entertainment on her computer, and occassionally driving somewhere to buy preferred food items.  The notion that she'd have to sacrifice all her leisure time to work seemed daunting.  Not only that, but to pay her own way, starting with rent.  That would require a FULL-TIME job, whereas historically she'd only work a few hours here and there.  Who would choose to "downgrade" their lifestyle, if they didn't have to?  I think a pwBPD will never make that choice voluntarily, because they feel so entitled, as well as generally fearful.

But here's the thing.  The pwBPD in my life is certainly capable.  If she can work a day, she can work a hundred days, or a thousand.  Heck, she has a driver's license and drives anywhere she wants.  If she were so mentally impaired and impulsive, then why on earth is she driving around?

Last fall, my husband asked his daughter to leave, and she did.  Though I'm sure she was upset he asked her to leave, I think deep down she wanted him to do it!  That way she could "blame" him for being mean, and validate her narrative that she's abused and "abandoned."  But the truth was, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain--she'd have free housing with us, as long as she was nice, respectful and working full-time (or working full-time to find full-time work).  Though it was stressful when she left, I think it was one of the better things to happen to her!  Here's how it played out:  she stayed on a friend's couch for a short time.  Then she found a house-sitting situation.  And then she found a long-term roommate situation.  She got a couple different jobs, and she has been supporting herself for the most part.  I know she still struggles, but I think her life looks a whole lot healthier and "normal" than it did when she lived with us.  When she was living with us, she was rotting in bed.  Now at least she's working and showing independence, building an identity as a productive member of society.

So he will move out if he gets ownership?  What a great deal - for him.

Is your name is on the property deed?  If not, that may need to be updated in order that he can't somehow muddy up the ownership reality any more than it already is.  Will that require probate action, or whatever happens in their country?

If mother has life rights as the widow, son shouldn't be able to shoehorn himself in, but of course he will try.  If the lawyers don't realize how difficult it is to deal with the sibling, you could ask whether they could recommend who could handle the more intractable cases.

One outcome of which to be aware is that he could make life so difficult for your mother that she might give in to his pressuring or his failure to move out.  Have some strategies to avoid that happening.  Do you have in writing - and notarized - that she wants him to move out?  I worry that somehow he will produce claims that she granted him tenancy or rights to stay.