BPDFamily.com

Hi guys if you’re reading this thanks sorry if it’s long idk what to do
So me and my ex have been together for a little over a year and everything was good in my opinion but like a month ago i started working 12 hour shifts so when she woke up i was almost half way through my shift and when i was done i went home because i was tired and we didn’t spend that much time together. We started to argue more than usual but in my mind it would get better after I finished working there. She just slept over like 2 nights in a row and the second night we argued and I thought we talked it over. She went on a walk with my sister and she at one point came to me and cuddled me and then they went on another walk so I thought everything was fine.And then i was at work and she texted me that we needed to talk and i knew where that was going and when i got home she broke up with me but she wasn’t cold she was crying and i could see it was hard for her I asked for a break instead and she agreed and she said that we will meet up two weeks later to have a talk. She asked if she could kiss me hug me and stuff so I thought maybe we just needed a little break. She kept on texting me like once every day i love you I’m sorry and I kept reassuring her that its fine i love her more and that we’ll figure it out together. One night after she went on a walk with my sister she texted her that if she thinks I could deal with her bpd or if it will drain me and my sister texted that she thinks i could handle it she just has to talk to me. And then she texted me for a sleepover and i said yes but if it would be too much than its no problem and later she texted me that she’s not okay she’s sorry. And then she next day i wake up and tell her like my friends invited me out just so she wouldn’t spiral even more and she sent me a break up text that like she’s sorry she can’t do it in person to watch my broken reaction that she loves me the most and to never forget or doubt that but that we could still have the talk. My sister then told me that she told her she’s writing a like letter/ journal for me when we meet up and im writing her a letter. I thought after the break up text we would go no contact until we met up but she keeps on texting me like every 2 days that she’s sorry she loves me and that she misses me. Idk what to do I want her back I want to show her that im there for her i just don’t know how to do that. Im lost because she’s like one moment breaking up with me the second she misses me and im in a spiral of my own in this situation.
Any help would be much appreciated if you have any questions please im just really lost and i love her very much.

Others will respond soon to your question, but I wanted to mention a concept that is a bit difficult to realize... a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) is a person with the traits we all have but they're to an extreme, often unbalanced, displaying high highs and low lows.  Those massive up and down swings can be triggered by almost anything, anytime, anywhere.

With most people, there is a balance of sorts between logical, reasonableness, emotions and feelings.  PwBPD are challenged to remain relatively stable, their feelings often define their perceptions, sometimes positively such at the start of a relationship but too often over time in a negative way overall.  Borderline has been described as an emotional disregulation disorder that is most evident in the closest of relationships.

Where your ex exists on this behavior spectrum is hard to say.  Some are more "acting in" where they tend to do more harm to themselves.  Others are more "acting-out" where they are more aggressive to those around them, though this may not become evident until much later.  BPD tends to become more difficult to deal with the longer the relationship because other triggers can accumulate such as obligations such as marriage, children, even life in general, etc can add increasing stress.

You both would do well to seek counseling to become educated about what this means and its impact on your lives.  If your ex already knows she has BPD, then she may already have been in therapy.  Therapy is not just a few sessions, it is necessary perhaps for years.  BPD is, in many ways, not something she has, like a broken arm or cancer, it is something she is... her feelings, her perceptions, her reality and more.

Okay so i have an update.
Me and my friend were going to the beach and stopped near her house to go to the store so I called her and asked if she maybe wanted to come so she wouldn’t be in her house all day. She picked up and I heard she wasn’t fine so my friend dropped me off at her house and we went on a walk. It was awkward at first i gave her my letter to read and we talked she opened up to me but she said we won’t get back together but we are “friends” now.I told her later that if hypothetically something does happen in the future i would want her to come talk to me and to not be scared. We laughed we hugged everything was fine. I got home she texted me that her shirt smells like me and i like asked her if she’ll sleep better and she didn’t text me back. I had a therapist appointment today because i wanna work on myself to better understand me and he told me that she gave me a lifeline when she broke up with me and to run. And im like my man what? He didn’t give me the best feeling. She hasn’t texted me since and im afraid i pushed too much or something but everything was fine when i left. Help me please im just trying to understand her and where this is going if it’s going anywhere.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this, but literally everyone here who has dated or married a BPD partner has experienced this exact thing.

First, you're not doing anything wrong.  She's completely in her own head and second guessing everything throughout the day.  That's where the push/pull dynamic comes from.  She wants to be with you, but she's scared you'll dump her so she dumps you before you get the chance.  Then she feels terrible so she wants to reconcile, but then she feels guilty for being all over the place, and decides that you're just going to break her heart anyway so she dumps you again. 

And then the entire process starts all over again- this can all happen in days, hours, or even minutes when their thinking is disordered.

How do you save this?  There's no straightforward answer.  If you push too much, she'll run.  If you don't push at all, she'll run.  Mainly, she needs time to process all of this and the time may or may not be on your side.  I'm sorry, I know that's not the answer you're looking for, but it's such a familiar pattern.  She's in crisis and handling it poorly.

Thanks for the answer.
I just wanna help her because i can see she’s trying i just don’t know how to go to her. Yesterday was lime oop it just happened and we talkted. I wanna show her that im there for her but im scared that she closed off again because of something i said or did yesterday. I asked her that yesterday but she said that no it was fine. I don’t know how to get her to just look at me and stop with the push/pull I realize its not that simple im just lost how we can be fine one second and she’s ignoring me the next.
This is a snippet from my letter and idk if i wrote something I shouldn’t have.

Even when it comes to your health, I think I made a mistake. I’ve read a lot about BPD—not because I wanted to analyze you or put you into some kind of box just because you have this diagnosis. I read about it because I don’t want to leave you alone in this. I wanted to understand your world and know how I can be there for you when things get hard.
But I also know that the internet doesn’t know what’s going on inside your head—you’re the only one who does. So I don’t want to make assumptions on your behalf. I just want to give you the space to tell me when you’re struggling, when you need space, or when you need someone by your side.
I know that maybe what worries you most is that I won’t be able to handle it. That your BPD will exhaust me, that it will become too much for me, and that one day you’ll watch me fall apart and feel guilty for it. And maybe that’s why it feels easier for you to leave now, before any of that can even happen.
But please, don’t decide for me what I can or cannot handle.
Thanks again sorry im just lost and spiraling.

When I was divorcing years ago, our Custody Evaluator wrote his conclusions about us and one of the items he mentioned about my ex was Object Constancy.  This is where "out of sight" can be "out of mind" for some people.  So your smells on her clothing reminded her of you.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder


Your therapist likely was well aware of Borderline PD, they can be are some of the most difficult patients.  Likely he was being pragmatic, knowing that continuing this relationship would keep bringing you back to his office, or another therapist's office, for many years to come.  Not necessarily because of your issues, but because of the troubled (dysfunctional) relationship.

This reminds of my own failed marriage.  When we separated, my stbEx brought our preschooler to a children's counseling office.  She was seeking negative advocates who she hoped would side with her on how evil I was. :(  Our son was attending sessions throughout our divorce and continued for the next few years.  That was years ago and, if I recall the timeline correctly, when I went back to court after the final decree and gained full custody, his counselor was so happy and prepared to end counseling.  Clearly, they thought the conflict and discord was over.  But our child's counseling had to continue for another couple years until I also gained majority parenting time at which time mother's antics finally reduced.  Only then did son and I have a graduation ceremony of sorts with his counselor.

My point is that your therapist probably has an objective perspective through training and experience, that you with your subjective perspective would likely continue to have relationship issues if you sought to reverse the breakup.

There's a phrase often said here... You can't save them, you're too close to them to fix them, it is up to them to decide to seek their own recovery.