BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My boyfriend has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but my mom was, and I have read so many books on it. I'd be shocked if he didn't have it. I'm operating as though he does have it.

I've read lots of posts on here, and lots of them are about females with BPD. There may be no difference, but does anyone know about possible differences?

He is very verbally abusive when triggered (splitting) and so it was not possible for us to live together anymore. He became homeless, but he is now getting help (because of me and my direction) to getting some transitional housing.

I do notice that having boundaries is critical. I was afraid for many years to implement boundaries because I thought that he'd leave me. However, that is not the case.

Things are still hard, but much better since we don't live together.

Anyone else out there with a bpd boyfriend as opposed to girlfriend?

And anyone out there experience other people judging the fact that you are still with your bpd person? I feel that it is hard to be with them, but I simply don't want to leave the relationship. People just have a hard time understanding....

Thanks!!

Is he resistant to the concept of counseling or therapy?  If so, that's very common, regardless of gender.  The blaming and blame shifting, among many other traits raised to an unwelcome extreme, typically make getting sessions with a therapist and continuing them so very hard.

If he's not in productive therapy, then you're right, Boundaries are very important.  However, pwBPD traits, whether diagnosed or not, resist boundaries.  So the alternative - which sadly is not very intuitive - is that boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are protections for us when we need to determine a response to poor behavior.  A very simplistic example might be saying, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will or won't do ___."  So while we can't force someone to behave better, we can ensure they know that we can deal with poor behavior in one way or another.  We're not helpless nor do we need to be compliant, complicit or appeasing.

On our |---> Tools & Skills Workshops board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) we have topics on Boundaries and so much more that are very helpful as we educate ourselves.

Hi there,

The pwBPD in my life is female, but I have experience with undiagnosed NPD and also BPD traits in males.

I'd say there is a lot of overlap in the day-to-day manifestation.  I'm familiar with the over-the-top anger, blaming, misplaced aggression, going from 0-to-60 over nothing.  The entitlement, the constant need for attention and reassurance, the demandingness.  The manipulative tactics and need for control.  The semi-delusional thoughts and beliefs, the twisted narratives they tell, which easily turn into outright lying and/or false accusations.  The refusal to apologize or take any responsibility for harm that is caused.  Their feelings of being slighted, ignored, not special enough, not catered to enough by others, and lashing out to reclaim attention.  The rules for thee but not for me, plus the surveillance and attempts to control your every move.  The lack of emotional control and maturity, the low frustration tolerance, the self-centeredness, the apparent lack of empathy.  The unfair attempts to punish and exact retribution which are disproportionate to the offense you supposedly committed.  The insults which bear no relation to the conflict at hand.  And the effects on loved ones, who walk on eggshells trying to avoid another outburst, who feel trapped and wonder how on earth they ended up like this, a shadow of a former self, emotionally, financially and physically depleted.

I'm not aware of a "male" vs. a "female" version of BPD, except perhaps mirroring the traditional male/female traits and roles.  Males might be considered physically strong and more assertive, and so might use these traits to their advantage in a conflict.  The uNPD in my life would assert his dominance by brandishing weapons, bulking up and getting in your face, for example.  A male might be more concerned about his "honor" and status, and so might try to prevent you from interacting with any other men, let alone do anything to diminish his "status," such as earn more money or professional accolades.  But I think this sort of thing cuts both ways, because I think a woman can be equally "jealous" and accuse her male partner of disrespecting her, merely by glancing at another female.

Thanks for the responses!  I think you are correct in that there aren't any formal differences in BPD in males vs. females, but perhaps males can use their gender to be more forceful or whatever.

Yes, the boundaries are for myself. And I do see him fairly boundary resistant, so thank you for that comment because I've been so surprised by it. But definitely I am keeping my boundaries to keep my own sanity.

He isn't really doing therapy, especially not for BPD. He one time admitted he might have it when I went through the 9 traits (loose traits to sort of get an idea) but then later backpedaled.

So It's really me, knowing that he probably has it, and that my own boundaries are the only way to get through this. Other people's judgments are hard -- they are wondering why I just don't leave him completely. Sigh. It's hard to understand.

I have a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter from that marriage.  However, I believe that both my ex-wife's brothers were BPD/NPD as well.

One brother was very aggressive and prone to anger.  If you crossed him, you'd better duck and run.  And if you said anything negative about him, he'd get extremely hurt and avoid you for months.  For example, one time he wanted to give my 16 year old daughter a car after she wrecked hers.  I said no though because the insurance would have been like $650 a month just for her.  And this devestated him- why wouldn't I accept his gift and let him do that for our kid?  Why did I hate him and my kid so much?  I didn't, LOL, but I literally couldn't afford an extra $7k a year in insurance for a $3k car.

The other brother was always second guessing himself and he cared so much about what others thought of him.  He'd open up to me but beg me not to tell anyone.  Then he'd say something that all of us deal with daily; there was no reason for it to be eating him up so badly and he should talk about it.  He just couldn't though.

My BPD daughter is EXACTLY like brother #1 with the anger management issues (traditional BPD).  My BPD ex wife is EXACTLY like brother #2 who always feels judged and isolated (quiet BPD).  All four are similar in traits, but the way they react to stress is completely different.  One group exploded while the other shut down in depression.

I hope that helped!

You summed up succinctly how the pwBPD in my life is.  She has both these reactions--angry outbursts combined with feeling judged, isolated and rejected.  The way I see it is as a trauma-based, fight-or-flight response.  With the pwBPD in my life, her reactions would tend to go in cycles.  Typically, angry outbursts would be followed by shutting down--cutting people out of her life and general avoidance.  When she self-isolated, her internal dialogue was extremely negative--feeling wronged, judged, traumatized, rejected, inferior, a failure, hopeless, really depressed.

All that probably just means that BPD behaviors are on a spectrum, both in terms of the type/manifestation, as well as the intensity, frequency and duration of disordered thoughts and behaviors.  The nuance is that everyone feels anger, rejection, depression, etc. from time to time.  But to qualify for BPD, basically these reactions are deemed to be disproportionate to the situation, as well as causing prolonged dysfunction in life and relationships.

Hope that perspective helps.

All these responses are helpful. They have angry outbursts, and then sometimes avoidance and shutting down. (My mom was more of a quiet PWBPD -- not a lot of angry outbursts but there was always a level of guilt or not living up to what she wanted...) My boyfriend/PWBPD won't let go of the past, and everything will be fine and all of a sudden he'll bring up something that triggered him 5 years ago, and he's mad at me all over again. You cannot prevent this, and it's random. I've come to just accept that no interaction or walk is predictable. It might be pleasant and fun, or it might just go up in flames. I used to be upset, but now, it's just a fact of being close to someone with BPD.

Years ago I heard it said that men were more often diagnosed Antisocial and women were more often diagnosed as Borderline.  I never verified it but I do think men are more likely to end up in jail and women, well, not so much.