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I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. Have a teenage son so no contact is not an option. It is amicable/friendly and we are separated but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, sad and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate?

Hello,

I just popped back up on these boards as I haven't been on them in a while.  Back in 2013 I caught my wife (pwbpd) in an affair with my neighbor.  She immediately abandoned me and our 2 sons, then 13 & 8.  It was very difficult at first but my saving grace (after my faith in Jesus) was my education I received on these boards.  I learned to take my focus off of that which was out of my control (my wife and her per choices and bad behavior) and to focus on the only thing in my control (My behaviors and my ministering to my hurting sons).  Slowly BUT STEADILY I was able to rebuild my life as a full time single dad and to move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

I know it may seem hard and painful in this early stage as it's all probably a shock to the system.  But stay strong, Live one day at a time and even  one moment at a time when necessary.  Don't try to suppress the tears when they come as they serve a purpose in your healing.  I also went to a group called Divorce Care with like these boards very instrumental in setting me free!!  You can do this!!

Sincerely,
MWC *)
Romans 8:28 

I can totally relate. It’s not quite the same for me as this is my 2nd marriage and we’ve only been together 4.5 years but I was utterly convinced that this time I’d found my person to share life with. He was loving, supportive, fun and (i thought) open and honest. Pretty much straight after our honeymoon things changed and 2 years later we are separating.

It’s heartbreaking, any break up is but especially after 20 years and with BPD in the mix. The emotional pain is real and it’s so important to get support around you. There’s a ted talk by a guy called Guy Winch called How to Fix a Broken Heart that’s worth a watch.

There’s also an independent podcast Relational Lives which has an episode on break ups.

You will get through this!

I was in a marriage for 18 years and had seven children.  It was very very difficult. I was the one that left after with my clinically diagnosed wife.  The healthier I got in our marriage the more difficult our marriage got.  It is like the hand did not fit the glove anymore. That is our mutual dysfunctions did not work together anymore as my behaviors became better.  I struggled a lot with dependency type behaviors, fear of conflict, fear of loss. 

  Had to do a lot of work on myself to understand how I got to accepting the behaviors that were very hurtful and damaging.

Now 10 years later, things are so much better. But those first three years after the divorce or very difficult.  I found that exercise, prayer, this board, and learning more about the behaviors such as in the book 'Foundations' by Dr Childress to be very helpful. 

You are not alone ..  keep sharing your story here. 

Sluggo