BPDFamily.com

Hello,
My BPD sister sent me a text out of the blue with a picture of herself, my BPD mom, niece and grand- niece on a trip to our childhood vacation spot, which I was not invited to.
I am now left with feeling anger, hurt and being excluded.
I responded with kindness and took the high road, but I am now left with emotional flashbacks.
Anybody have any thoughts and support for me?

Thank you, Innerpeace2026

You are not alone in being excluded from a family vacation spot, feeling both angry and hurt. It can be more helpful to focus on the hurt underlying the anger. My large extended family with many disordered family members including some with BPD have ostracized me from family gathering for several years now. When this happens, I often find myself thinking of the past when I was included. What does it say about us when we are no longer included? Oftentimes it means, our awareness and boundaries of the family dysfunction can not be hidden any longer and the disordered family members are extremely threatened by any challenges to their hurtful behaviors so  they prefer to not have us around.

Many people who are disordered seem to gravitate toward posed happy photos.  What you can't see in the snapshot is whether they are truly happy or just a façade.  For all you know they could be bickering and periodically fuming at each other.

As for you, just live a good life and don't fret about them.  Not that we seek revenge, but it has been said, "The best revenge is to live a good life."

Inner Peace,

She’s doing this on purpose. 

You did well to take the high road and not have any negative reaction.

I would approach it a wee bit differently again.

I would save my energy and reply to people who are kind and friendly and who genuinely care about you. Those are the people who deserve your attention and connection.

In this case, do you think it makes sense to “not” reply? I wouldn’t reply.  Ignore it.  Don’t give her any reaction at all.  Any reply will give her satisfaction, and reinforce her behavior.  You run the risk of continuing to get these annoying texts that being hurt at being excluded.

If you ignore it and she doesn’t get a response, she doesn’t get rewarded for sending it.  If she sends enough of them with no response, she will stop because it’s just not worth her time to send out emails she doesn’t get a reply to.

Ask yourself, what do you think her intention was for sending you this? Why would she send you a pic of an event you weren’t invited to? Who does this?

It was meant to be hurtful, perhaps to establish herself as being the favorite or the one in the in crowd of your family.

It's middle school social dynamics. You wouldn't consider this, so it's hard to process.

My BPD mother was exclusonary with her connections. What suprised me was that other adults in the family went along with it. It caused estrangement between family member, between hers and me.

While I her family and I have reconciled, there's still the gap and the distance, and their family dynamics. We aren't included in their family events and I don't include them in mine. At some level, I still feel sad and excluded. Maybe they feel that way too when it comes to my family but it's also possible they may not feel it.

Family dynamics are what they are. While my BPD mother's behaviors were driven by her BPD, what shocked me was that her family, non disordered people, went along with it. That may be a factor in your feelings about the trip. Your sister might be the one to exclude you but your other family members were there too. How could this be OK with them? Why didn't they stand up for you? I had the same questions. What we don't know is what the pwBPD may have said to them, or if they went along to keep the peace according to the family pattern.

The trip you have the picture of was probably not all lovely and peaceful, but it still hurts at some level. I may not have wanted to attend my mother's family's events but being excluded still feels sad.

Hi Innerpeace,

To achieve inner peace, I'd recommend trying a positive internal dialogue, even if it seems hard at first, maybe something like this:

I assume the best in others at first--sharing a vacation photo is completely normal.  It looks like the family is having a nice vacation, and that's great, I'm happy for them.  Actually, I'm relieved I wasn't included, because spending time in close quarters like that with two pwBPD is bound to be too stressful for me.  I can only handle them in very small doses, in controlled environments, and I wouldn't want to use up so much of my precious vacation time worrying about how I'm going to handle the inevitable BPD tension.  I'm just glad the kids got to see that vacation spot, which I loved as a kid too.  As for me, I've got my own exciting vacation plans lined up, a fun and relaxing trip, with people I actually enjoy spending time with, which is way better for me anyway.  I'm so glad I emerged from all that BPD dysfunction I grew up with and created a peaceful and fulfilling life for me.  Sure, I wish it hadn't been so tough for me growing up, but that background makes me appreciate all the wonderful things in my life right now all the more.

My response to the photo?  A heart or a thumbs up, and I mean it, too.