BPDFamily.com

My daughter is almost 25 and has been diagnosed with BPD.  Everytime she calls me and she's having a hard time, it hits me so hard.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel ok.  I feel guilty that this is somehow my fault, whether because I didn't do what I needed to do to help her when she was young (even though I really tried) or whether it's because I had kids with mental illness in my family (although I was not consciously aware of that at the time).  It crushes me that she feels so sad.  She tries to get help for it.  And nothing seems to be working.  She is miserable and so therefore so am I.  Is there a future where I get to be ok?

Any words of encouragement out there?

I am so sorry. It is awful. I feel the pain and the guilt too. Mine is compounded by the fact that now my young adult daughter refuses to speak to me, because recently she decided that everything is all my fault, I have no idea what to do.

Focus only on what you can control.  Your BPD kid is far beyond your control; she has to live her own life and you shouldn't stake your happiness on her instability. 

You said that she "tries to get help" and "nothing seems to be working."  Think about that.  It's like me having a toothache and saying, "I don't know what else to do.  I walked to my mailbox, took a multivitamin, and did some pushups.  Yet my tooth still hurts and I'm so miserable!"

The way for your daughter to move past this isn't "trying a few things" that feel comfortable to her.  It requires a committment to therapy, medication, and self-reflection.  Until she is ready to go all-in, things will continue to be troubling. 

And that brings us back to my first point- focus on what YOU can control.  Your happiness can't be tied to anyone else; it has to come from within.  Right now, you are okay...but you're letting your daughter influence far too much of your life.  That's the real problem here and it's a "you probem."  You have to let that illusion of control go because you're not in control of anything with your kid.

I hope that helps.

Hi Haul,

We understand.  It can be distressing to see your daughter struggle so much.  But the reality is, you can't make her happy.  The other reality is, she can't make you happy either.  It's impossible to control other people's emotions, right?  Of course, if you're in America, it's ingrained in our culture to pursue happiness.  And yet, I think that blindly pursiung happiness practically sets us up to fail, because emotions tend to be fleeting.  Moreover, what we THINK will make us happy doesn't necessarily make us happy in the long run.

Anyway, one thing you might try is to focus more on actions than moods.  I'd say, focus first on your own actions, starting with your daily routine.  Are you eating right?  Are you sleeping OK?  Are you getting regular exercise?  Are you spending time with your family and friends?  Are you showing gratitude?  Are you getting therapy if you need it?  Are you keeping your home environment orderly and tidy?  In other words, pursuing a healthy daily routine creates a scaffolding that will support you and set yourself up for feeling better.  If you feel good, you're more likely to feel happy.  At the very least, you'll be in a calm state when you interact with your daughter.

And then I'd say, take a look at your daughter's routine.  Is she eating right?  Sleeping on a regular schedule?  Getting some exercise?  Spending time with family and friends?  Working regularly?  Even if she's grumpy, dour or accusatory, does her routine look pretty good, appropriate for her age?  Is she generally carving out an adult's life for herself, even if she faces some setbacks here and there?  Is she generally headed in the right direction?  Even if she vents her frustrations out at you from time to time, can she pull herself together the next day and continue on with her life?  If so, I think there are plenty of reasons to be happy for your daughter.  She's succeeding at creating an independent, adult's life for herself.  The hope is that she eventually figures that out.  In time, she might be able to shed the "old" persona (downtrodden woman who believes she had a terrible childhood and abusive family, and who encounters trauma everywhere she goes) to her "new" identity (successful, independent woman who overcame some setbacks in early adulthood and has reconciled with her family).

Anyway, when I was living with my adult BPD stepdaugher, I tried to focus on actions more than moods.  As long as she was generally doing what she was supposed to be doing, I was content.  I could tolerate a ton of her bad moods, outbursts and passive-aggressive behavior, as long as she was working on herself.  After all, it's natural to be grumpy when doing some adult tasks--getting up early in the morning, cleaning one's room, searching for work, working a part-time job, buying health insurance.  I can tolerate all sorts of grumpiness, frustration and disappointments, as long as she plows through and doesn't give up on herself.  In fact, I think it's way, way better than the alternative--when she gives up on herself and goes on "vacation" in my home.  When she's given up on herself, she'll be happy spending time watching TV, consuming social media, sleeping or napping the day away, snacking on junk food.  Sure, she'll be temporarily cheerful, because napping, scrolling and snacking are easy and fun.  But this "happiness" will quickly dissolve when she realizes she's strayed farther away from becoming an independent adult.

Hope that perspective helps a little.