BPDFamily.com

Maybe not a total exit. I have money coming in that my wife does not know about. I have a date to move out when she is at a conference. I will try to get an apartment as soon as the check clears, and hopefully I can make it all work. I do have a separate bank account that she does not know about. She does not know about my plan to move out.

My "plan" is to tell her that it is a separation, not a divorce. And to see a marriage counselor and see if things can get repaired, though I think odds are quite low. If they do not work out, I hope that it will smooth the transition.

I will also be talking with a high-conflict attorney this week (again, when the check clears).

How often can things actually get repaired?

My plan after moving out was to be home when she got here and tell her. I was going to have a friend drive me and be ready to drive me away. Am I still being too nice? What if I just called her on the phone as she was driving home? I think being there in-person is the right way to do it, but bottom line is that I do not want to do it.

I have been hurt so many times that when I try to talk with her about any problems, my mouth opens but nothing come out. I agree with my therapist that this is keeping me safe. But what is the right thing to do? Of course, I am not even sure that I will be able to talk if I get her on the phone.

I am hoping that if she agrees to the therapist, that I will be able to tell the therapist about the problems with her there. I have tried to tell her about her trauma problems a number of times, and she has not been able to hear it.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Don't agonize too much over doing the "right" thing when ending it, or over ending it the "right" way.  Do what you have to do to protect yourself and give yourself the best path forward.

If your soon-to-be-ex is BPD, they will not respect you any more if you try to let them down easy, or behave more honorably, or whatever.  Take it from me, they will bad mouth you & lie about you the same way if you disappear in the middle of the night, or end it via a face-to-face discussion.