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It has not been a good week — really, not a good few months.

UBPDH has had frequent moody spells. They usually come after picking SS15 up from school or after he goes upstairs to his office for a while (we work from home).

SS15 has had the teen attitude and sullenness for a while now. For years, we’ve dealt with food on the room. He’s allowed snacks almost any time, but not allowed to have food in his room. Mainly because we can’t trust him to clean up after himself. Of course, he keeps sneaking stuff in because he never believes rules apply to him. Last weekend, while SS was with us and H and SS we’re at his driving class, I had to go in SS’s room to put something in the attic (access is in his room). I saw a chip bag on his bed and went over to see if there were crumbs to deal with.

No crumbs but I did find a vape pen. I told H when he got home. He and Ex are communicating on it and taking it seriously. But it’s also triggering H’s enmeshment. His parents were overly strict, so now he’s starting to grumble a bit about how all kids try things or break rules at times. No big deal. I refrained from pointing out that SS is buying vape pens from some kid at school so who knows exactly what he’s inhaling. And he’s an athlete, so really, really dumb idea. At least Ex is holding firm on the no-nonsense this time (first time ever).

Anyway, that’s had H pinging all over the emotional map.

Add to that, H’s birthday was this week. SS didn’t text him. My parents came by the night before and gave him a card and gift, admired our redecorating, etc. But they didn’t do a full-group text about it, so his feelings were hurt. (There’s a full family text string. Birthday acknowledgments aren’t exactly consistent.)

To top it off, he had lunch yesterday with an old coworker/buddy of his who almost always manages to trigger him. H’s worst episodes have been after meeting with this friend. Last night, he came home, went upstairs to finish work, and came down “off.” He started poking and poking, grabbing hold of things that were incredibly unimportant (like the pharmacist giving a weird look). It was a rough night. He ended up leaving and coming back after I was in bed.

This morning, he couldn’t find his phone or wallet and I finally got fed up and looked. Found a Dr Pepper Zero bottle half full of red wine, plus bottle caps from beer. So, yeah. He’s been hiding alcohol upstairs in his office. He comes down in a mood because he’s been drinking. I suspected but this was proof.

Mostly I’m angry at myself because I just keep this going and don’t just leave as it’s clear none of this will stop. And I predict SS stuff will only deteriorate.

This is stressful and while SS15's behavior is concerning- he's also the primary responsibility of his biological parents- and so even if you intervened- they would need to be on board with that too or they'd undermine it.

Although your H isn't having gigantic blow ups, the constant moodiness is an irritant. In a way, I think his going upstairs to be by himself for a bit is probably a good thing, to let him calm down but he also may be going up there to drink too. I don't know if you've done CODA or Al Anon- but they help with coping with something that we have no control over. With BPD it can be a form of self medication.

The teen age attitude- that can be a "normal" part of being a teen but it doesn't negate the need for boundaries, rules, and accountability. The food in the room is breaking a rule and being disrespectful. The vaping is on an other level as it poses a physical risk to him.

I think where this gets confusing is where does it cross the line? On one hand, your H has a point where teens can push the boundaries, give in to peer pressure and experiment- if trying vaping to appear cool, to your point- the concern about serious rule breaking and substance use. What is actually going on with SS15- is this a sign of serious distress, a cry for attention? Having a disordered father doesn't help but this affects children differently.

What is the eating all about? 15 year old boys have huge calorie needs and it seems they eat constantly. If he is normal weight and growing- then he's using these calories. If there are physical concerns- too much weight, it could be nervous eating but if he's a typical teen boy- he's getting his calories from all this. I also think you have the right to your rules and not have to worry about crumbs all over the place. I don't know how often he stays with you or how much you want to make this a battle, especially if his father undermines it. Teens should know how to keep their rooms clean but they aren't always vigilant with it, and that room would need cleaning after he has stayed in it. On one hand you want to have house rules but also pick your battles between all the stresses going on.

Thank you.

H is definitely drinking up there — admitted it today. Most of the time, if he has wine it’s not a problem. But if he’s stressed, hurt or annoyed, it gets him dysregulated. I know I have no control. Still trying to figure out how I want to deal with that.

No clue what’s really going on with SS. Some of it seems like teen stuff. But he’s also always been the type of kid who’s going to do whatever he wants, rules and boundaries be damned. I’ve recognized that since I first met him at 5yo.

The good thing: H is always asking him what snacks he wants around. Unless it’s nearly dinner time, he’s always welcome to it. But we’ve had an any problem before and SS has a LONG history of spilling stuff and just leaving it. So, we told him until we can trust him, all food and drink except water needs to be in the kitchen. Once we found an empty ice cream container and dirty spoons hidden in the attic and the ice cream remnants had melted down onto a box of my stuff. Another time he spilled lemonade that made a sticky mess. Ex has had similar problems and has had three bug issues. Just keeps happening.

He’s with us every other week for the week. And H feels the same way I do (he’s a neat freak), he’s just frustrated because nothing he does works. Nothing new with SS. He’s the most consequence-resistant kid I’ve ever known.