BPDFamily.com

I'm 16 months past the fallout of my 5 and half year relationship. I come back to these boards once and while to read and find encouragement when I catch myself thinking things over. After the break up I sunk like most here into a deep depression. There seemed like days and weeks where there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that time heals all wounds, but I do want to say that when the FOG lifts, and it takes some time, you WILL start to question your logic in staying with someone who is toxic and unable to accept the treatment needed to maintain the impulses, rages, ect.

After my ex cheated on my after a move across country, I was left in the state of loneliness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But by staying on these boards, learning about BPD, my codependency, and my own history, slowly but surely I came out of it. Its a struggle. One step forwards and 2 back. But its possible. You have to be open with yourself. You have to be honest with yourself. I loved my ex dearly, but what she did, and how she treated me, the breakup, and our relationship was awful.

About a year after we split up I received a call from her at 5 A.M. At the time I had read so much about BPD, recycles, thought patterns, feelings before logic, gas lighting, ect that the call, as much as I wanted to hear from her, was the final nail in the coffin. She had gone out for a job experience in California and left the guy she cheated on me with. I won't speculate that she met someone when she was out there but 1+1 doesn't equal 4 so I'm going to assume. Either way. She told me on the phone he never meant anything to her, that I was a good guy, and that she was hoping to take the job for good out there but wasnt sure if it was going to happen. What I saw in that was if he meant nothing to her what was I? If I was such a good man, why did you cheat? What is the true purpose of this call. When I asked her to talk about he break up and what happened, as I had been for nearly a year through emails, she would avoid the topic, change the subject, or just push it to another time. The thing is, they can't handle that shame. And as sad as it is, they won't. Her call wasn't to tell me these things, her call was to see if I was still on the hook. I played the game for a while. We texted a few times, nothing of substance, yet overtime when Id ask to talk, she'd say no. The final time I asked she raged. She apologized the next morning and disappeared again. Was I hurt? Not this time.

She moved to California, or so I've been told. And since I have met a woman her polar opposite. Genuine, real, honest. Just the best start I've ever had in a relationship. And I'm taking note and caution within everything. No rushing emotions, no attachment at the hip. Rages. No guy "best friends." Just a great woman.

I guess all and all, when you choose to let go and move on, when you've had enough and realize you gotta fix yourself. It just gets easier. It slowly dissipates, and what you feel now, dulls out into nothing.

Keep your heads up. Im always here to talk.

my love.

Minusone,

I'm happy for you.  :) Thank you for sharing your journey. Having been there myself, I can attest to how hard it is to pull through sometimes, but it truly gets better with patience, compassion, and effort.

It sounds like you have embarked on a very different kind of relationship—a healthier way of relating. Your post is a reminder that despite the he! we go through, there are gifts of self-knowledge and self-love waiting for us.

All the best for you. I hope you'll check in from time to time to share your new life experiences. We love good news!

heartandwhole

Hey Minusone,
Thanks for the post, good to read. I've been NC for around 6 weeks now, it's hard, I miss her, BUT when I think deeply about the last year I spent with her, I just don't want to talk to her, I just feel like I reached the end, no matter how much I miss her I don't want to even see her anywhere as I don't want to get sucked into wanting her again, getting hooked again.

Her behaviour the last year of our marriage was terrible, just telling me most days how we should separate and that I need to move on and don't be in denial, she was horrible, cold, cold, cold, detached completely until right at the end when she went away to a conference and she had a massive anxiety attack, saying things like she didn't really know what was going to happen, she had so much turmoil burning inside, it was weird, but when I was cleaning the house, the rooms, the cars, before I left the house I found a note from a guy, so it made me think that she had been developing this on the side... .it gave me closure.

So although I miss her, the very thought of that makes impossible to try and fix or try and do anything... .friendship? Forget it! What for? To follow her around, wait for her messages? No way, not anymore. It's too hard, you love them but you know deep down that this is not good and it will never be good. Sad really... .