BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, 
 Just a quick question, do messes in the house trigger your spouse with BPD?I notice alot of times when things aren't "just so" or there cobwebs in the corners, my husband will disregulate and go on tangents about how lazy and stupid I am... .

Any input :) ?

My guy is the opposite. If I try to tidy up an area that looks like a hurricane blew in, he'll accuse me of losing something HE misplaced. I steer clear of those areas - not even to throw away old candy wrappers or used tissues if it's where he keeps his "important papers".

Mess only bothers my uBPDh if he wants to be angry with me or accuse me of not taking care of the house. Usually though he is the one making messes. He likes clutter. I think it's a physical demonstration of what is going on in his head.

It's a mixed bag.  I pretty much do all the cleaning, because it's important to me to have it done.  I don't get bogged down in chore charts, who "should" do what - I just want it clean, don't want a fight, and so it's better to spend my time cleaning when I can than fighting over it and having him passive-aggressively resist and still have the house messy. 

And yes, I get blamed when he can't find something - I either threw it out or it got stolen.  So then I have to go find whatever is missing, usually it's right in front of him, but he's allowed himself to get so worked up he can't/won't see it.

So, when he can accuse me of a mess that he feels he has no direct responsibility for, he will do it, and yes, point out how lazy I am, how I just sit on my butt and look at my ipad (never mind I missed cleaning one area because I cleaned others and got tired and decided if he can play video games, I can look at facebook).  The fact that he has clean dishes, the yard is (usually) mowed belie the idea of me sitting on my butt all the time does not negate his "feeling" that I do nothing.  Which in fact I know has more to do with his mom who actually does nothing, and does not move from her couch (literally.  She has parked a chair by the stove for when she can't get out of cooking because she can't stand anymore for long periods.  She is only 67, but her mobility is more like 87).

But, if he knows darn well the trash could be taken out by him, or the dishes could be done by him, and I've been sick, he clams up.  He may even spend a very short amount of time "helping" by washing a dish or two he wants or needs. 

He comes from a hoarding family.  So while he hates hoarding, he also can't grasp fully "clean-as-you-go".  For him, cleaning is not a day to day thing, but an all-out-company-is-coming venture.  I routinely go through my clothes, and make trips t goodwill a few times a  year - if I can't fit it all in my closet, somethign ahs to go.  He can't/won't do that, and in fact likes to have his clothes in a pile next to his dresser. 

My HwBPD uses neatness and organization as a control mechanism for his own life. He will always set himself up to be organized, making sure that everything has a place. However, he also suffers from depression, and often lets his nightstand or closet get a bit unruly. I have never been a neatnick. I'm a creative person who doesn't get too hung up on ultra neatness, but I'm not a slob. My H gets uncontrollably triggered, however, when he loses something. It somehow represents a complete loss of control for him. This is the time he loves to blame me for MY mess, or complain in general about everything being in disarray, causing him to misplace things. The other day he lost a wireless mouse, and he pulled all of my shoes out of the closet, and put them on the bed, blaming me for my disorganization (because he had offered to buy extra shelving for my shoes, and I refused, and now some of them were on the floor *gasp*). He also tried to get angry with me for not helping him find it, while he was scarily raging around the bedroom.

I usually disengage and let him spin out during these times, because there is literally nothing I can do, other than let the rage and panic pass. It only makes things worse when I'm in the room and trying to help. Sometimes I quietly try to look for whatever he lost, once he leaves the room, and I often find it, because he is too busy panicking and raging to actually look. I calmly hand it over to him, and he often says, "Where'd you find it?" in an accusatory tone (like I was hiding it from him?). I try to recognize that this is irrational, and ignore it.

Any time something can't be found it's because I hid it on purpose, of course.  Or threw it away, or let it be stolen.  He hates that I can find things when he's "looked everywhere".  And in response to his own mess, he has often dug through my things (more often in a semblance of order than his) to prove I'm more messy than him, that any clutter is not him, it's all me. 

Mess and chaos absolutely set my husband off! The thing that drives me crazy is that he's usually the one that makes the mess- whether related to his -leaving 1/2 done projects everywhere, or the latest destructive rage- the house is a disaster! I do my best (on top of working and taking care of our 3 kids) to keep on top of the house and minimize the chaos, but it is a never ending battle!