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After a ten year relationship/marriage and now seven weeks NC I find that it is getting harder and harder and somehow not easier! She decided to stop the relationship and after saying goodbye I went NC. It was hard as she pleaded me not to do that, but she was leaving me so it was rather weird request. But now after nearly two months I can't seem to get my ex out of my daily thoughts. I wake up and instantly is the first thought that comes to mind and there starts the day, another day that despite the numerous activities programmed to keep myself busy, thoughts of my ex just are constantly on my mind, and throughout the entire day somehow. What have your experiences been like? It's driving me crazy, I think deeply about it and try and work out how to get her out of my mind. I hope this will change soon, it's just torture.

Hi Raul,

I really understand your feelings right now, and my relationship was only two years! My ex took some time out before our split and she pleaded for me not to go NC and I wish I had done, so I do think you have done the right thing. My T suggested putting my ex in a box in my head, which I imagine when it all gets too much, of course I have to keep putting her back in the box as she gets out somehow, but I do find it helps. My other trick is to say to myself I am not allowed to think of her until a certain point in the day, then at that time (30 mins) I can think as much of her as I want. I am no expert at it though, but I find it helps to have some kind of structure with my thoughts.

Are you working, do you find you are able to cope at work?

Hi Raul,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. The ruminations and non-stop thinking are the last thing we want when we are trying to move on and detach. A couple of thoughts on this, one is to write down your thoughts, without any filtering, just straight down, emotions and all. Sometimes this can help to externalise the thoughts and feelings, and by so doing, they become less intense.

Another way is to find a friend or buddy or a therapist to talk to, to help process the emotions you are going through.

It's a tough time, and I still think of my ex every day, but 7 months into NC, it is not all day every day and when I wake up in the morning, she is rarely on my mind any more.

But still, break ups like this give us alot to process, and it is bound to take time.

earlyL and stimpy, Thank you!
Those suggestions are great, I will try and out them into practice today. I am currently working and was hoping that working would help. It is a traumatic time for me and sometimes I think that maybe I should be on a long break from everything, take sick leave or long service and visit another country and disappear for a while but then again the opposite advice is that work will help you through it by getting involved and getting your head to think of other things apart from your ex! It is really hard, many days harder then others, I was just getting a tad worried this morning that perhaps this is getting harder on a daily basis, it may just be me, today... .

As with BPD relationships the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that 'there is nothing I can do' an extremely hard thing to grasp. I mean I can't go back, it doesn't make sense, even if she was willing to start again. It just will never work, which is so damn sad and disturbing. When we were in the dying days of our marriage, after she had decided it was over and we were selling the house, she was texting me daily, writing things like "I love you so much, I adore you xxxxx" "miss you so much", etc... .

How does that make sense at all? It leave you stuck!

In my opinion you have a complex set of problems that your mind is trying to solve.  I don't know how helpful it is to suppress the thoughts of your ex.  It would probably be most helpful to work through your thoughts and resolve the problems.  By resolve I don't mean fix but at least acknowledge the problems and either consciously choose to accept that you either can't change anything about it or that you actually can do something about it.  Others have suggesting writing your thoughts down which I personally have found helpful.

In all fairness, 2 months isn't a long time to just stop thinking about your ex.  I still think about my ex daily but the frequency throughout the day has become much less and the intensity of emotions has also decreased significantly (4 months NC).