BPDFamily.com

So one long-standing thing H has been battling for years is a recurring high level of anxiety at bedtime on Sundays.  He says he's had it his whole life as far as he can remember, and he thinks a lot of it had to do with feeling uncomfortable leaving his home to go to school/work on Monday.  The result for a long time was to be so upset and nervous all night he'd miss school or work, often the very thing he was worried would happen, and we've had to spend a lot of time trying to get him to where it was not so bad.  Overall, his Sunday-night anxiety has decreased, and he usually is very hard on himself about missing work Mondy mornings (he assumes "everyone" notices he is gone and talks badly about him for it, assuming he partied all weekend or whatever).

This weekend, a weird food combination, tied with the use of a heavy decongestant, and a migraine all seem to have added to a chemical mix that made him super anxious last night for the first time in a  while.  He told me he's afraid of something staring in the windows at him at night, and I know his interest in the paranormal does not allay this fear.  In fact, I pointed out that he often falls asleep listening to accounts of things like alien abductions or weird disappearances, which were probably seeding his subconscious, and I know he is likely to be paranoid about being watched and judged.

I've been seeing a lot on here about the paranoia inherent to BPD.  Does anyone have any good success combating/dealing with it?

My H goes through brief periods of paranoia like this. It's so frustrating for me because if I tell him what he is seeing isn't true, then I'm invalidating. If I give him an alternative perspective, I'm invalidating. If I let him go on and agree with him, then I validate the invalid.

When working with people with dementia, I've often heard that you should not try to change their mind and tell them that what they see is real. Instead, they say to accept that what the person with dementia is experiencing is real to them. Validate what it is they are feeling: how does it make you feel? I bet that's scary! What do you think you should do? What does the thing staring at him want?  I wonder if this approach would work for your husband.

My H also has Sunday evening/Monday morning anxiety. He gets to thinking about everything he has to do during the week. He feels like he wasted the weekend (which he often does) and that he is running out of time. I try to help him slow his mind down to focus only on today instead of overwhelming himself with thoughts of the whole week.

^^^YES!   This is a big deal for H.  He is always convinced there is no time, and acts as though someone other than himself stops him from accomplishing things.  He obsesses at times about dying young, thinks he's already dead, gets mad at himself for not following through on his creative pursuits, and makes a lot of "should" statements.  "I'm almost 40, I should have published a novel/comic/whatever by now."  "I'm almost 40 and we're not having kids and I should have something else as a legacy." 

I get frustrated with these comments because he is the reason for all of them.  HE stops himself from writing because his story is not "perfect".  HE dragged his feet about getting married until we were both at an age where having kids is likely not going to happen (I am almost 40 myself, lady-issues run in my family, and I don't relish lots of miscarriages to try to have a child like my mother had).  He seems to finally be realizing and admitting his roles in where he is now, and sadly, it triggers that shame that pwBPD have such a hard time processing. 

I'm like, I made a decision, second guessing it forever is just maddening, and I accept the bed I made.  He can't seem to do that. 

I offered to foil over the window if it'd help him sleep, but his response was "if it's paranormal, foil won't help." 

I try to tell him that it's okay to rest on weekends, and that he DID get things done that needed doing (sure, it was just his own laundry, but it was something). 

It's so hard when you want to help them, but they can only help themselves. Your H and mine sound SO similar in the things that trigger them and the way BPD manifests in their behavior.