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I started to think more about how I allowed the abuse to happen.  I started thinking about how I would apologize to myself as a little kid for allowing this to happen and that this was in his future. When I thought about picking him/me up and giving him a hug, I realized I didn't really feel a strong love.

I realized I really didn't love myself as a child and probably not now. I wonder if that is why I allowed myself to be mistreated like somehow I deserved it. Like somehow I feel guilty over not being a better person and if I can prove myself to her that I am, I can erase that guilt.

Lately I've been trying to love that younger me and I realize that she is trying to tear me down and that is why I'm more upset and angry at her. Before I would almost agree with her or at least feel obligated to prove myself to her because I was trying to prove myself to me as well.

Hi mrstring,

*welcome*


When you say that she's trying to tear you down, is she being critical, what I mean is it negative self talk? Are you struggling with loving yourself?

Yes I am struggling to love myself. I feel like an empty shell lately. I know I am a decent and kind person. I know I am very good with my friends and family and dogs. Yes she is being very critical.

So far.

1. Constant accusations of cheating, bordering on abusive and delusional, saying that she has proof from Private Investigators. I know for a fact I have never cheated or even been in a compromising position with another woman, or inappropriate texts or calls, so I know she is either lying or some PI is lying to her.

2. Accuses me of poisoning her or drugging her, which she says I will spend 25 years in jail because of it. Also, obviously bull crap.

3. Constantly saying I never did enough or cared enough or found her desirable or invested enough in the relationship. I suppose that is subjective, but I know how much I loved and still loved her

4. Saying she called the cops on me because she felt threatened, even though I was cooperating in going to pack my bags that night. Even the police report, which I had to jump through hoops to get, called me the victim even though she called the cops.

5. Whenever she rarely hit me or destroyed my things, she said I deserved it because I didn't care enough


Yet, I miss her, go figure.

Hi MrString

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I can relate to trying to prove myself and my ex became a proxy for my own self-esteem and need for validation.  Others can provide us validation but when that becomes toxic for us; whether it be excessive or abusive, it is unhealthy for us to keep going back to the well for more.

It is not easy to go from not having the needed validation from early in life to still seeking it in adulthood but we can take something from these experiences that can be built upon and integrated going forward.

Do you think that there are pieces of this relationship that you will be able to build on going forward?

RB

That is a very good question. I think knowing that I can love someone unconditionally for 14 years is something to build on. I think I became a less selfish person and more caring. I know I can truly put someone else before me. I truly think because of this relationship that when EVENTUALLY long long down the road I get into another one I will be better right off the bat then I was with this one. But if I don't get myself right, I will most likely fall right back into the same type of relationship.