BPDFamily.com

Hi All!

 Just a quick question. Does your borderline feel the need to control every aspect of everything in your lives? Im talking everything! From how often the bedroom gets dusted, to making me close the doors after we leave the room(or he has a raging fit), to hiding the toilet paper from the kids because he feels they use too much and clog up the bowl (he makes the kids ask for toilet paper and then I have to give them a certain amount), to NOT allowing us to have our phones in our bedroom at night because its too distracting, to putting the LIFE360 app on our phones so he can see where I go when Im not with him (I can see where he goes too,  I didnt ask for that though, he's the one that put the app on our phones) I dont care because I have nothing to hide. He just HAS to control everything! Im wondering if this is a Borderline trait or something ELSE he has in addition to BPD?
My life is bizarre :)

I haven't experienced any of these ones, but I did always find it strange that my exBPD would not let me look at her computer, or phone, if she was looking at something then she would hide her laptop straight away. It really bothered me. But then if I was on my computer she always sat and watched whatever I was looking at. It was like she had no concept of herself doing the opposite.

Wife in Oz,

Yes that sounds all to familiar.  Some of the things were for me that I voluntarily complied with to keep the anger away... .   had to call her immediately when I left work and talk to her the entire way home (so she would not I was not talking with anyone else such as family, I had to have the light switches flipped the 'correct way'...   we had two light switches that controlled the same light so anytime you would flip one it would either turn off the light if it was on (or vice versa), she planned our weekends, she planned our evening routine, she would not let me have my phone with me in my pocket it had to be in the kitchen, I could not read any books while in bed it was only for sleeping, kids had to eat their meal in order -veggies, meat, then drink, then dessert, had to be home at 5pm sharp every night.  i would get lectured even if it was 5:01, she had to  read any text messages before I sent to family, after a while she would start writing the messages for me, could not have the music too loud, etc, etc

Never had the toilet paper rule... .

A million times yes!

My wife has to be in control of EVERYTHING!

A recent example: she sent me and our son (3) to the market to make some purchases.  While I was there it was a beautiful day, so I decided to take a selfie of my son and me. I sent the photo to my parent who, living in another country, love to receive photos of their grandson.

When we got back home, I showed my wife the lovely photo I sent home to my parents. Instead of saying "oh that's nice", she got upset because she wasn't in the photo and told me that from now on, I can only ever send photos of the family if it's of all 3 of us.  To leave her out is showing lack of respect, in her eyes.

Her desire for control is all down to her insecurity.

YES!

She faught tooth and nail to continue controlling everything but I've taken most of that away from her.  She was really bad at controlling the finances even though she doesn't work.  I used to get criticized to no end over every little thing.  All while getting emails and calls from bill connectors saying the bills were past do.  That doesn't happen anymore.

Now the only thing she really has control over is our sex life,  which she has always controlled and used as a weapon.  Still fighting to get some control of that one but I don't foresee it happening. 

As far as phone tracing apps and that stuff, she tells everyone including our MC that I'm reading her texts and have her phone bugged.  I don't and never have.

Hmcbart, that bit about her thinking you're spying on her? Pure projection!

pwBPD constantly fear loss of control and the unknown. Typically they either use total avoidance or total control to combat this. Allowing uncertainties to just be is threatening.

Hence some have rigid structure and others have no structure, rarely do they have the right balance of structure and flexibility

H wants control but no responsibility, so he tends to fall in the avoidance category.  He does little to keep things straight day to day, but he will certainly tell me if one dish out of literally hundreds has a speck of dirt, or if I buy the wrong item at the store.  He has called me into the bathroom to lecture me about when to replace the roll of paper (he often leaves it empty) or how to break down a box to put it in the trash, and makes many "we should" statements that translate to "you should". 

I ahve to admit that based on his state, I follow or ignore his requests.  Some are fine, and really mean to make something cleaner, or better.  Some are just exerting control over a chore he doesn't even do.  So, if he's watching, I try it his way.  If is sucks, and he leaves, I go back to mine.  If it works better, I keep doing it.