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Title: Hello Post by: Balance714 on February 21, 2017, 04:25:02 PM Hi all,
I am new here. I believe my wife has BPD and came here to seek help on how to deal with a spouse with BPD. We've been married for 2 years now and it has been a roller coaster ride. I love my wife and do not want to leave her and want to do what it takes to keep us together. Title: Re: Hello Post by: Naughty Nibbler on February 21, 2017, 09:20:58 PM Welcome Balance714: I'm sorry your marriage has been a roller coaster ride. Sounds like you are ready to learn some skills. There are some good lessons here on various communication skills and strategies that can make things better for you and reduce conflict. There are several links in the margin to your right. A good place to start is the section that lists some "Basic Tools". Take it a lesson at a time. Some people like to post with some examples of behaviors and conversations, and then ask for suggestions on how to apply some of the tools. It can be good to practice and check your understanding. We look forward to hearing more of your story. Perhaps you could share some of the most disturbing behaviors. Title: Re: Hello Post by: Balance714 on February 22, 2017, 10:52:16 AM My wife has random heavy mood swings. Often picking random pointless arguments. Most of the arguments are her criticizing me and blaming me for the all the issues in our marriage.
Examples are: - Our marriage is routine - I care more about my friends than her - I spend more time in the garden and computer/phone than her and the kids. - Our sex life sucks. I feel none of these are true and she is attacking me. Yes, we can improve on these areas but feel hurt when she's attacking me and blaming me. Below is how i feel on each example issue. - I feel our marriage isn't routine, we travel and do different activities on the weekend. Yes, some days can be routine, but life can't always be a new adventure everyday. - No, I put my wife 1st before anyone. Yes, i do care about my friends but and she often feels threatened by them. A couple of them do not like her so now she hates all of them. All or nothing. - No, I do not spend more time in the garden or my phone/computer. Yes, i do maintain the garden and spend some time on my computer/phone reading and checking emails. - Our sex life, isn't the greatest but she acts like it is non-existent. One time she wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood. She got so upset and threatened to get it somewhere else. Of course, this started an argument. Of course there are more examples. Perhaps you can shed some insight on how to deal with these issues? Title: Re: Hello Post by: Sidney09 on February 22, 2017, 12:37:14 PM Hi Balance... .I can't give you too much advice, since I am new here too. My H was newly diagnosed.
However, I wanted to let you know that I understand the roller coaster ride and being blamed for everything. Sometimes I find that if I don't react at all, it helps. Make sure you take care of yourself. Reaching out for help and to vent is a good start. Title: Re: Hello Post by: Balance714 on February 22, 2017, 01:02:45 PM Hi Balance... .I can't give you too much advice, since I am new here too. My H was newly diagnosed. 'However, I wanted to let you know that I understand the roller coaster ride and being blamed for everything. Sometimes I find that if I don't react at all, it helps. Make sure you take care of yourself. Reaching out for help and to vent is a good start. Thank you! You do the same :) Title: Re: Hello Post by: Naughty Nibbler on February 22, 2017, 05:06:12 PM Quote from: Balance714 My wife has random heavy mood swings. Often picking random pointless arguments. Most of the arguments are her criticizing me and blaming me for the all the issues in our marriage. Has you wife always had the random heavy mood swings? Can you pinpoint anything that may be associated with the mood swings? Stressful events, anxiety provoking situations, any particular season of the year (i.e. Winter?). Does your wife work, or is she a stay-at-home mom? Depression, Anxiety, or Bipolar conditions can accompany BPD or BPD traits. Is she willing to get a psychological assessment?One good strategy is to just don't argue. People with BPD can forget about what they might be arguing about in short order. If you don't engage, the mood is likely to pass with less emotional damage for you. The information at the two links below can be helpful. STOP ACCUSATIONS AND BLAMING (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0;all) DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) The information within the quotes below might help explain what's going on. Quote from: https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/ Familiar Fights We all use defense mechanisms to get us through the day. But people with personality disorders use them to a greater extent, which makes it seem like they're living in their own little world. If you spend too long isolated in a crazy environment, you may start to think in these ways yourself. This is one reason why it's essential that you maintain your friendships--even if your personality disordered family member insists that you give up other people. Everything Is Your Fault Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD and NPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy. . . If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset. Feelings Create Facts (emotional reasoning) . . . When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours. . . Tag, You're It : A Game of Projection Some people with BPD or NPD who act out may use a more complicated type of defense mechanism — we've named it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's more complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection. People with BPD (and some with NPD) usually lack a clear sense of who they are, and feel empty and inherently defective. Others seem to run away from them, which is lonely and excruciatingly painful. So borderlines cope by trying to "tag" or "put" these feelings onto someone else. This is called projection. Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. Projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else. The complete article, with the above quotes, can be found at: FAMILAR FIGHTS (https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/) Another strategy that can be helpful is DON'T INVALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) Check out the article, by clicking on the green words to the left. Validation is not about agreeing with someone about their position on something, it involves validating their feelings. (i.e. I can see that you very angry right now. I need to step away from this conversation. We can resume the discussion when we are both calm, perhaps tomorrow) Validation can take some practice. There can be different levels of validation and invalidation. An expression or body language can be invalidating or validating. Words can be either validating or invalidating. Sometimes, the best response is to just NOT invalidate. Quote from: Balance714 Our sex life, isn't the greatest but she acts like it is non-existent. One time she wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood. She got so upset and threatened to get it somewhere else. Of course, this started an argument An "I" Statement might work best for you in this situation. The video at the link below can be a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0 The quote below is a template on how to formulate an "I" Statement. Quote from: www.kimscounselingcorner.com/feelings-2/own-your-feelings-with-i-statements How To Use I-Statements: Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc. I feel __________ State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings. when __________ Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you. because __________ Let the person know what you want instead. I would like __________ . Example: Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario: I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood. Sample 1 I had a stressful day at work and I feel very tired tonight. I'm not in the mood for lovemaking. I want to wait until we can have a mutually enjoyable experience. Let's postpone this until tomorrow night (or which ever night is reasonable for you) Sample 2 It's important to me that we are mutually respectful to each other. When you tell me you will go find sex elsewhere, I feel hurt and berated. I won't argue about this. We can agree to postpone this until r ______ or we can talk later, when we are both calm. The quote below offers a couple of ideas to spice up your sex life Quote from: Dr. Wendy Walsh Gives Tips to Spice It Up The Crockpot Rule It may sound counter intuitive, but scheduling sex can make for better sex. Consider that men are microwaves and women are crockpots — they take a lot longer to warm up and need the psychosocial aspect to reach their optimum. Fantasy Game If you can't talk about your fantasies, write them down. In a monogamous version of a "key party," each time you have sex, take turns drawing a piece of paper from a jar that contains your partner's fantasies. You never know what exciting event will be in store for you. |