BPDFamily.com

Hey!  I'm new to this site, but I had a question concerning my girlfriend diagnosed with BPD-
She is currently seeing a therapist, which I believe has helped, but I still have some concerns.

The struggle with her is the fact she extremely possessive. I love her very much, but she gets jealous VERY easily. She has confessed to fantasizing about beating up people who she feels are a threat to me.  She is VERY scared of me leaving her, although we have been together for two years and I have never been disloyal. At first I wasn't worried about her threats because I did not take them seriously. I generally take her very seriously, but to me, it seemed very extreme. However, after seeing how angry she gets, it's possible she could in fact seriously hurt herself or someone if she wanted.  She has never threatened to hurt me.  She is very protective and looks our for my safety and well-being more than anyone, and claims she will do whatever I ask. She's told me many times that my well-being is more important than hers, which worries me because I want her to look out for herself.  She says she wants to "protect" me, but occasionally threatens to hurt herself if I "leave". (This isn't frequent, however.) I do not have any intentions to leave her and her extreme emotions are something we both can manage together. However, her possessiveness is concerning me. I am worried about her health and I do not want her to hurt herself if I am unable to be there for her once in a while. It's very stressful for me. I understand my responsibility in dating someone with BPD, and I love her very much. Can anyone give me advice on how to reassure her I will not abandon her? And what can i do that she won't feel the need to be as possessive?

Hi there,

That is common to my GF. She thinks I have a lot of female friends with whom I flirt, when she knows where I am 24/7.  She is specially concerned about my ex wife,  with whom I have no contact,and left her 3 years ago.

I came to learn that these are intrusive thoughts that she can't control, and it doesn't help to argue about them, I just need to wait for them to disperse themselves. I  sometimes remember her about a time that she felt so sure I was leaving her, and ask her to remember that I have always been there by her side, that fear was wrong. And we can be both glad it wasn't, we both won.  She stops and thinks, and she doesn't answer to that, but it seems to calm her down.

If you argue, listen and find clues. I used to say that I have no opportunity to cheat, since I'm with her and the kids at all times. But she needed to hear I have no intention. She didn't care about the logic that I wasn't cheating, wanted reassurance.

Anyway, it's still a problem. I can't use my phone without fear that she might think I'm cheating, and that makes me look suspicious when I have nothing to hide. That's not healthy.  It is better than it has been, but still a work in progress .

Hi May,

Welcome . Jealousy is very common in pwBPD. Many of us on this site have had issues with our partners constantly questioning anyone we come in contact with, who we talk to on social media, and friendships with other people. It hurts to see our significant other not trust us when there is no real threat of us cheating at all.

We have many workshops that are listed on the right side of the page. There are lots of tools there to learn how to communicate better and how to take care of yourself while living with a pwBPD Here is one on how to deal with a jealous partner:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0