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Title: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: No1important on February 22, 2017, 04:03:44 AM Now I'd like to share some of the red-flag I have encountered with my uBPDgf and chcek if its common hearing something like this from them. Im over 1 month NC but I feel like I need kind of validation from you, that I was really blind to those red-flag and that wasnt normal behaviour. Let's begin, shall we?
1) very early in rs she admitted that before she got interested with me she was checking if other guy was avaliable 2) "If I wasnt with you I would probably be with <put a name here>" 3) "Im broken" "Im not good material for gf" "Sorry that im a dissapointment" 4) when I got back tired from university or work "Why arent you happy, cant you see that your being not happy affects me, why cant u just be happy and optimistic" 5) Jealousy. Reallt extreme one. Real girls and stuff was not enough. As we both are gamers, she said that she dont want me to play female characters, she was jelly even about those pixels 6) When I was tired of being triangulated and told her that maybe she wants that other guy more than me she said "If I end up with him, it will be only beacuse of your fault" (he is my replacement now 7) She never liked my own hobbies/games. When I started talking about something I love eg sailing/computer game she never played she was always like "I could never do this because blah blah" 8) She barely finished her high school because of depression (attendance provlems and stuff). She used to study for one semester than resigned. She was afraid of her low education but when I said that when I finish my current studies we may try something together (well I was alwahs open for new experiences) she said that she doenst want to study, that shes too old for that (22 yo ) blah blah. 9) She used to cut herself, ofc I told her I won't accept any cutting and she stopped, but during one breakup (1 day long), she told me that she cut herself ( cuz of me ofc) and that she wasnt feeling like being with me at that time so she could do that. (Then my gut tolde me that one day she may try simillat trick with going to bed of someone else) 10) She had 1 bf b4 me and ofc he was that bad abbusive jerk, who wished her death when he broke up with her (woo she must have been worse than with me, or I was more doormat) but she still had photos and items (very expensive tablet he biught her eg.) and during our rs she admitted that he wasnt that bad and that she wasnt perfect aswell. Whats more during one of our dramas she said that he msgd her (what a coincieence! I guess she reached for him then or it was a lie) and was soothing her. Week later she told me that he wanted to meet her (poor basterd got sucked back kind of now I see this that way). 11) "Maybe I will go back to my ex" - when she was upset with me. They were even talking about getting back together (setting up plan b?), but they agreed that their rs was toxic (I guess he said that and she had to agree?) 12) she had a job that she was rly happy with (she was working from home) and that she is afraid that if she lose that job she will never find another one. Well now when she is with wealthy mr. Replacement, info about her job magically dissapeared from her FB page. Ok enough of those, I had to vent a bit. Maybe I will cone up with more of this but its enough for now. Peace Title: Re: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: infjEpic on February 22, 2017, 04:40:35 AM Bottom line, it doesn't matter if they're typical red flags from a disordered person or an Alien from Mars.
They're all either very unhealthy or abusive behaviours, or both. Examples 1 & 2, 6 & 11 are fairly typical examples of the same behaviour You might find this explanation helpful: I think the most descriptive term for this is jealousy induction. If you Google this term you will get a much more targeted description of what you are describing - why people induce jealousy. And if this happened in your relationship, you might get a clearer picture of what was going on with him/her in this... . Several expressive and relatively relational motives have been suggested for jealousy induction. Angry or frustrated people report intentionally creating jealousy to hurt their partner or cause emotional distress (White, 1980). Sheets et al. (1997) found that among those who had attempted to make their partners jealous, a substantial majority ‘(87%) had done so to gain their partners’ attention,’ whereas ‘less than a quarter (24%) had done so to increase their partners’ commitment, and less than a fifth (18%) had used jealousy as a mate-retention strategy’ (p. 392). Others may induce jealousy because they want to test the relationship, want more attention, more time or simply to ‘be taken out more’ (White, 1980, p. 223). Jealousy may also serve self-expansion goals. People may deliberately induce jealousy to bolster their self-esteem (White, 1980). People who feel inadequate in a relationship or are themselves jealous, suspicious, or fearful may intentionally create jealousy to gain self-esteem and confidence. People who experience these feelings may have a predisposition to be jealous (Mathes & Severa, 1981; Sharpsteen, 1995). Such individuals may even create these feelings in a partner to turn the tables. In this sense, ‘inducing jealousy may be understood, in part, as a power tactic’ (White, 1980, p. 222). This would help account for why a person’s sense of power-lessness mediates reactions to jealousy (Rotenberg, Shewchuk, & Kimberley, 2001) and why jealousy induction is associated with need for control and use of aggression in relationships (Brainerd, Hunter, Moore, & Thompson, 1996). A person involved in a romantic relationship can gain control by leading the partner to believe an attractive alternative exists. The jealous partner must respond to maintain the relationship, thereby enhancing the other’s power. www.unc.edu/courses/2006spring/spcl/091p/016/JealousyInduction.pdf As you can see, both disordered and neurotypical people do this to each other. (And the outcome is usually very bad.) I experienced it myself. If I experienced it again - it wouldn't indicate to me that I'm with a disordered person necessarily, but it would indicate that I'm in an unhealthy relationship. Title: Re: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: No1important on February 22, 2017, 07:41:10 AM Bottom line, it doesn't matter if they're typical red flags from a disordered person or an Alien from Mars. infjEpic thank you for your response. Jealousy induction there was, indeed. I was too focused on trying to make that rs work, that I ignored (or even laughed or thought they were cute) such unhealthy/abusive behaviors and my gut which was telling me that things were going in the wrong direction.They're all either very unhealthy or abusive behaviours, or both. Examples 1 & 2, 6 & 11 are fairly typical examples of the same behaviour You might find this explanation helpful: As you can see, both disordered and neurotypical people do this to each other. (And the outcome is usually very bad.) I experienced it myself. If I experienced it again - it wouldn't indicate to me that I'm with a disordered person necessarily, but it would indicate that I'm in an unhealthy relationship. Title: Re: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: once removed on February 22, 2017, 09:32:14 AM 3) "Im broken" "Im not good material for gf" "Sorry that im a dissapointment" how did you respond to this, No1important? Title: Re: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: No1important on February 22, 2017, 10:07:53 AM how did you respond to this, No1important? I was an enabler I guess. "I want you as you are, I signed up for you and we will handle everything", "I think you are, I love you", "ur not babe" Title: Re: Have you heard those from your exBPDgf? Post by: once removed on February 22, 2017, 11:41:14 AM i didnt hear those things specifically from my ex. i have heard them from others.
what i have come to realize, is that these are honest statements of emotional unavailability, and cant really be more clearly cut. people with this disorder, in general, have low self esteem, and feel unworthy to their core. sadly, no one can fix that for another person; it is a fixed belief system. im a big fan of this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships how many of these characterized your relationship? |