BPDFamily.com

So my uHwBPD has been really railing against staying with my parents (as many people know, we're staying with them to pay down some debt, and he's been unbelievably triggered by both his childhood abandonment trauma, and also by the fear that somehow they render him useless in my life), trying all sorts of tactics, from being sad and depressed, to complaining every day about how awful and annoying my parents are (they're kind, loving people who do their best to stay out of his way or accommodate him), to raging or saying mean things directly to them or me. I've struggled with trying not to get angry at him.

This morning, on our way to work in the car, he started off by berating me about the settings on the car heater that I'd set earlier that morning on my way to the gym. I for the most part remained calm, and said, "Well, I certainly didn't do it to upset you. I was cold and needed some immediate heat. The settings are there for a reason." He then started complaining about my mother's comment about him getting through the mountain of bananas he purchased for smoothies (which he'd piled up in front of the window). "Sorry it obstructs your view of the cul-de-sac!" he seethed, and began to rage. He started driving the car crazily. I said, calmly (even though I was getting really scared), "What's upsetting you? Why are you angry?" He didn't answer me, and turned so sharply into the gas station, he screeched the tires. People in the gas station were staring at us.

When he got back into the car, scowling and slamming the door behind him, I said, "What did I say or do to make you angry?" He said, "Nothing." I said, "Well, why are you trying to scare me?" He said, "I'm not trying to scare you!" I said, "Well, you're scaring me. I feel helpless and vulnerable and terrified when you drive like that."  He replied, "Well, then you know exactly how I feel living in that house." I said, "What makes you feel helpless, vulnerable, and terrified?" He said, "Whatever... .I just have trouble living with other people."

We talked about that for a while, and how it was a challenge for him living with others, and how he just wanted me to get pre-approved to purchase a home. I told him that I wasn't yet ready to buy a home, and that we could consider a rental, but that it would take longer for me to save to purchase a home if that was the case. He said, "Fine, I'll just stick it out then." I waited a bit, and said, "You know, I know that you said that you didn't feel comfortable going to a therapist, but it might help for you to vent to someone who isn't me and who can see your situation objectively." Normally, he would have adamantly refused to do so, but he was quiet for a long time, and then said, "See, I just think it's weird telling a total stranger about my problems." I said, "I get that, but they're used to it." He said, "I know THEY'RE used to it, but I'm not." I said, "Yeah, I understand it's weird. But it's just something to think about. You seem to be frustrated a lot, and it hurts my feelings when you complain to me about my parents. It might be helpful for you to talk to someone who can also give you better strategies to deal with your frustrations." He was silent about it for a long while, and then he changed the subject, but it's a tiny breakthrough. I think the wheels were turning and he was considering it.

So, yay for me for not getting TOO angry, and yay for being able to discuss the option of therapy without him blowing up or immediately digging his heels in!

Yay! Congratulations! How did it feel to be in control of yourself and to be authentic in telling him how you feel?

I like to pick these "yay!" moments apart so I can try to repeat it in the future. How was your approach different than usual this time? I saw you being firm, direct, and honest.

It felt freeing to be honest without losing my cool. It felt like I wasn't giving him power over my emotions. It felt proactive over reactive. I think I can do even better next time. Also, later on, he was texting me and sending me photos of things while I was extremely busy at work, and, when I didn't respond right away, he texted, "You don't care." Normally that would have infuriated me and I would have raged back at him, but instead I texted, "I was busy working on that presentation I had to get completed today. It's not that I don't care, I have to perform my job so that we can live." and then I reacted to his photos, and he was fine. BPD abandonment issues, diffused!

 |iiii Yay! Love these types of wins.

That sounds like a really good exchange.  You stated how you felt, you did your best to validate how he was feeling, but still tried to get your ideas across.  It may take a while to percolate, now, but it's a good achievement :)