BPDFamily.com

This is my first time on this site. I am 52 and am quite sure that my 81 year old mother has Borderline. I have come to this conclusion after getting therapy myself. I am seeing a Psychiatrist for anxiety. My mother is getting worse and I am pulled between preserving myself and my husband and taking care of an elderly parent.

My mom can be so great to be with and then so awful the next moment. People in my town think I have the sweetest mother ever. They don't know what I go through. I have been receiving anxiety treatment for years. Feeling a little hopeless that she will die really unhappy and I will feel guilt. I have tried so so hard for so long. I love her but I am tired. I just want to live out the rest of my life at peace.

I think I have created a pretty good family. My  husband and I have been married for 32 years. (I got married at 20 to get away. I married an officer in the Army and went overseas). Have two great grown kids. One applying to med school and the other a teacher. Looks like I have a great life, but people don't know what is going on behind the scenes. I want to be a good person and treat my mother with respect but she has been nearly impossible. I just feel hopeless about my mom lately. Looking for support.   

Welcome OceanSand:  

I'm so sorry about your situation with your mom.  I think as our parents get older, things can get more difficult and our parents become needier and harder to walk away from.  Is your dad still in the picture?

I think that many of us have some idea of how is might be for you.  People with BPD, (pwBPD) tend to save up their bad emotions and release them where they feel most comfortable.  That generally means they release havoc on someone in their family.  It took reading about the situation a few time for me to rationalize how my uBPD sister could appear as such a wonderful church-going woman to her church friends and then lash out at family.  I used to think that people would naturally treat their family better than nonfamily members, but I've learned that isn't the case with people with personality disorders.

I'm glad that you are seeing a psychiatrist and that you have a wonderful family.  Has your psychiatrist lead you to any tools to manage your anxiety?  Perhaps you have some favorite ways of managing anxiety that you have discovered on your own?  

We can't change others, but we can make things better for us by setting boundaries and learning certain communication skills that can make things better for us.  It's possible to communicate in a respectful way that can serve to tame your mother to some extent.  It won't mean that she will always be happy with things, but if you are consistent in enforcing boundaries, she can learn that you won't be abused (i.e. you will leave her presence, terminate a phone call, won't answer a nasty email etc.).

What are some of the most disturbing things that your mom does?