BPDFamily.com

Here is my story.  As a kid, I suffered from pretty bad anxiety and depression, though I never knew there was a name for it.  I just thought there was something wrong with me.  Hence negative self image, body issues, unhealthy self care methods etc.  so, when I met MM, it was like I got hit by a super nova.  In a good way.  He was handsome, sexy, intelligent, fun to be around, and he played in a band.  And his voice, like buttah.  And when he turned his dreamy eyes on me, I was helpless.  He was my first everything. I wanted to have his children.

For 15 years I rode the love roller coaster. Each time, thinking, yup!  Now he's got all that cheating and quitting job after job out of his system and he's ready to settle down.  Did I mention I'm stubborn?  I cut off all contact in the late 90s, and by 2001, I was in a deep depression.

We re-established contact in 2011 when his Father died, and in 2013, I finally got serious about addressing my mental health issues, and quit smoking, lost over 200lbs, and really started loving myself for the first time in - ever.

Fast forward to 2015, and after a whirlwind romance, MM is living with me, being supported by me. And I am again, in blissful denial, thinking, this is it!   It wasn't long before the BPD behavior kicked in, though I know there were signs before, but I cheerfully tacked that up to his depression.

With the help of my individual therapist, I now know it's BPD.  Hoorah!  Shizzle!  Now what?  This is where I am at today.  I need support.

What is it in me (codependency, self-image/enmeshment issues), that needs him so much? If I accept this, how do I cope?  I'm feeling really overwhelmed but I am hopeful and ecouraged now that I have found this site.  I hope that as I learn and grow with the help and support of others who "get it", I will be able continue on my journey.  I hope it can be with MM, but I know it's going to be with me loving myself first.

Maybe you can imagine what you would feel if he suddenly left you. Ouch, I know. Emotions around this scenario may help you figure out why you "need him so much." Like maybe you'd feel lonely- afraid to be alone. Maybe you'd feel guilty like you hurt him in some way- irrational guilt. Once you figure it out, then you can determine how to cope.

... .Now if only I'd learn how to take my own advice.

Sadly, I already know what it's like as he has left me a few times over the past 30 years.   But this time I have tools and I love myself now.  Plus I have a support network now.  Yay me!  Oddly enough, yesterday, between the lunch blow out and the evening make up sort of, one of his high school friends showed up.  This meeting resulted in a hopefully renewed acquaintance and a lead a possible new tenant for his rental property, and so a new focus.  We'll see.  What was really horrible at first and then great was that I was feeling really vulnerable after our fight on Sat. And then this morning I felt better.  Then, this afternoon, the new prospective tenant called and I listened as he spoke to her.  I felt myself getting jealous! And all of the old anxiety triggers kicked in and I felt myself getting angry and scared. 

Then, I took a mental deep breath and tried to focus on letting my feelings/fears go.  Ok maybe he's planning to leave me.  I've seen this behavior before.  Shizzle! How will I handle that?  But the funny thing is, when I spiraled my worst case scenario thoughts out: that he will meet the girl of his dreams, marry her and have kids; I realize two things: if that happens I think I could survive it now that I know it's not all me; and I love myself now.  And this is my journey.  I finally love myself again, maybe that was point of getting back together with my first love, the soul who was able to pierce through my wall of self protection.

And maybe that is part of why he remains in my life.