BPDFamily.com

For those of you that may not know my story, relationship/married for ten years. The last year was painful, my ex decided that we had to end, I was "too controlling, jealous type of guy." I thought we had a pretty good marriage, we did a million things together, including first-class creative artistic things among many other connections we had.

I tried in vain not to derail the marriage, went counselling, tried to keep the marriage together, my ex went cold and detached. I was like a puppy dog, walking on eggshells all year long, it was painful and I felt a complete loss of self esteem as I tried and tried with my ex all year long. But she was adamant that we should sell the house, separate, get divorced and move on. My T at the time mentioned 'borderline' I had no idea what that meant and started researching.

But in the meantime I had no choice but to go along. At times during the year she was a tad warm but most of the times, very cold. Just before the house sale she left to go to a conference far away. I stayed, got the house sold, packed all my bits for a few weeks, found a couple of strange notes from a guy so I thought she was already moving on and before she returned left the house and sent her a goodbye letter. She promptly started writing texts saying "please don't say goodbye" etc.

By then I couldn't handle it any longer so I went NC and went on a holiday far away. Kept NC for two months. Meanwhile she would write to my son asking for this and that from me via him. I kept quiet. She kept persisting. I asked my T what to do. His response was, send the bits and wish her well.

Well as soon as I sent that, the direct correspondence commenced! And it started with "miss you so much, love you, can we fix our issues, can't be without you, my life is terrible without you" etc... .

I am wondering what are some of your past experiences of 'recycling' for those that went back. I love my ex, BUT... .I was extremely hurt by all that I was put through and honestly I would not want to go through that terrible year again, I had a horrible painful time and she was mean and detached. I feel that I can't really trust her ways, I just have no idea how long it would last. She keeps writing about a "fresh new start" and I have not responded.

Would love to hear your experiences and your thoughts on such sudden changes, "when you thought you were completely out and they pull you back in again" to quote a famous mafia line!

Thank you, sincerely... .

Hey Raul, If you decided to recycle, what makes you think things would go differently?  Her fear of abandonment has presumably kicked in.  Talk is cheap, of course.  What has she done, or what is she doing, that indicates a change on her part?  Probably nothing.  Sorry to be so pessimistic, but many of us who have recycled, including me, ended up in the same place except with a lot more pain.

LuckyJim

Hello Lucky,
Thanks for writing. Actually I am quite scared about the recycle, is like what does it really mean? Why is this suddenly possible when a few months and throughout the year there was no way anything was going to be fixed? There was really no interest from her. Even when she wrote a few months ago it was like "I will miss you forever" meaning goodbye... .then all of the sudden when I decide to go NC and accept her decision she loves me again and would like to fix things! Now? Why now? She hasn't articulated the motivation for her change of stance, I actually don't know why she has changed her mind now... .

Hey Raul, My view is that it's all part of the never-ending push/pull dynamic.  It could be that's she's trying to see if you are still on the line, just in case.  To me, as I mentioned, it's all part of her fear of abandonment.  LJ