BPDFamily.com

Hi, new peep here. Just started researching BPD yesterday at the request of a counselor. I'm more than a little scared about what this could mean. Hoping to find others that have a spouse or significant other that you were able to work through this. And what to to if you can't.
Thanks!

Tell us more... .

How long have you both been together?
Do you have kids living with you?
What interactions lead you to suspect BPD?

Ultimately, the diagnosis of BPD changes nothing. It gives a name to what is. But it does give you avenues to try to cope and improve the relationship... .

Hello~

We have been together for 23 years and married for 12.  I think I have always walked on eggshells to some degree, but 16 years ago we moved 1500 miles away from all family and I started feeling very isolated and dependent.  :)uring that time the walking on eggshells increased and 3 years ago I stated that I was unfulfilled with our location, so we moved back to where we came from (my hometown, not his).  

In the last 3 years he has been very stressed out by his job, has stopped taking care of himself  (exercise, not hygiene) due to a medical condition (which is totally treatable with surgery, but refuses to see a doctor), is unhappy all the time and even states he is depressed.  But again, won't see a doctor.  

My dad and stepdad, brothers and his old friends from this area have all tried reaching out, but they get no response, so they have stopped trying.  

One moment he's okay and the next he flies off the handle and no amount of apologizing is good enough.  Could be my tone, facial expression, or even that he doesn't feel that's it's "genuine enough".  Something so small and trivial, or an observation comment not even related to him, can create an argument that will last for hours and hours and hours.  Looking back I realize this has gone on for a really, really long time.  Even when I try to extract myself and go to the restroom, he follows me and continues the verbal assault.  It is getting to the point where I just remove myself altogether and I go to bed to stop the arguing.  Some days he wakes up and is apologetic, but most days he is not.  

He stated to one of my longtime friends a few weeks ago that our marriage is as strong as it's ever been and the only stress we have is the stress that my family causes.  My mom is battling brain cancer and I get zero emotional support from him.  Occasionally, when he is trying to justify bad behavior he will break down and get teary eyed about it.  I've learned over the years with the passing of grandparents, to expect no emotional support, so this is nothing new.  

I finally told him I was going to marriage counseling with or without him last Friday.  His first words were, "if you just want to leave me then leave".  I explained that wasn't the point, that I wanted to work through our issues together.  He stated that he though I was too overwhelmed with work and family health issues to be able to work on anything.  My response was that I was still going to try.  

When it came down to it he did not go.  The counselor and I had a very good conversation where we discussed different ways to get away from the "same old, same old".  But then we started talking about walking on eggshells and he stopped and asked if I had ever googled it.  I replied that I had not, so he asked me to not do any of the tactics we discussed until:  1) Research Walking on Eggshells, 2) Look deep within myself and do a self assessment of where I really am at, and 3) What would need to change and in what time period in order to continue in my relationship.  Of course, he mentioned that he couldn't diagnose anyone from afar, but I could tell if I'd seen any of the signs and symptoms.  

I promptly went home and my stomach just dropped when I started reading about "walking on eggshells".  I never knew this existed.  I just though I was always my fault for every little thing (and somehow I must've had tough skin, because my feelings don't get hurt so frequently) and that maybe I was going crazy (telling me I do and say things and I know for certain i didn't).  

I purchased the audio-books of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist" as a place to start and happened to find a mention of this website on a youtube video.  I also found the Compassion Power website, but haven't spend too much time there.  

Given the fact that my husband will not seek other medical treatment, I don't think he feels anything is wrong and therefore won't seek treatment for this.  Of course, I wouldn't even bring it up, because I can only imagine what a doozy of an argument that would be.  

So here I am, scared out of my mind, but trying to educate myself and make decisions accordingly.  I love him very much and it breaks my heart that if he sought treatment this might be something that would become more manageable for him.  In the meantime I need to educate myself on what to do, or not do in certain cases and figure out how to not let myself feel like I am being manipulated or going crazy.  

Oh, yes, I forgot to add... .  no kids.  Just the 4-legged kind. 

So that is that.  Sorry for the novel!  Thanks for being here and listening (technically reading, I guess!)