BPDFamily.com

While I'm on the topic of the BPD thought process, this is another one that I've been wondering about... .I'm not sure how much of this is unique to my pwBPD since English is not his first language, or if it just becomes part of the argument for him. I spend so much time being criticized for my phrasing. For example, he was once terribly offended that I mentioned being "alone" vs. using the phrase "on my own". For some reason the first he finds tremendously upsetting because he sees part of his role as being to keep me from feeling "alone".

Just wondering how typical this is... .

Oh yes, that's familiar territory. When they are all bound up emotionally and need to dysregulate (think of a volcano needing to rid itself of some pressure), any wording that doesn't accord with their concept of "how things should be" can precipitate a blowout.

I recently had one when I told a low income friend in a phone conversation that I would buy her a dash cam since her neighbor has been intentionally trying to run her off the road--he's a classic NPD with a touch of ASPD.

My husband got mad because I used the "I" pronoun instead of the "we" pronoun.

Me: "I'm very sorry I made you feel sad."
Him: "I'm not sad, I am desperate. See, you don't care for me at all. You don't even have the slightest idea of how I am feeling."    

This seems to be a common symptom. Word choice (or facial expression, or order of questions, or tone... .) is used as a pretext for picking a fight.

Yes, common in my relationship with my BPD husband.  One word, one look, one misplaced question = "you're the one who is ruining this.  You'll never get it.  God, just shut up"

I'm learning to simply walk away now. Although the anxiety within me is pronounced when this happens.   I've also come to the reslization that there will never be an apology... .hopefully someday.

Ohhh thank you for this topic! I am new here and O. M. G. ... .this!  Soo this!  I find myself screaming back in frustration "I am not a contestant on Jeopardy!"  My phrasing is picked at constantly with the implication  that what I am saying is therefore rendered invalid.  The biggest one is that I make something a statement instead of a question.  Usually it is something like "I have a need." When in fact, it seems he wants me to (ultimately) ask him if it is okay for me to have need or to somehow first make sure he is going to be okay if I have a need.  I find myself talking in very precise well-measured words that completely dilute the emotional intention of my own self expression.  Just another way that I have to remain small in order for him to exist (or so it feels to me <-- see, I did it again!).  Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like I have to attach a disclaimer.  I think it is a tactic that he uses (not necessarily consciously) to slow down the conversation so that he can run it through is own processes to see if it safe.  Growing up, nothing he said was ever safe in that he was always damned if he did and damned if he didn't and self expression was especially frowned upon.

Yes, my wife likes to argue whether I am using the right word and will argue the point to death.  It isn't normally a personal issue like the above examples.  It also isn't that uncommon for her to argue points that aren't logical, but she will use whatever arguing tactic she has to in order to not lose the argument.  I have learned to just let it go and change the subject.

Yep - my BPD wife will fixate on specific words and debate the different meaning I must have meant between one and the other.

Every day.  If your partner wants to pick a fight, any excuse will do.  I've resolved this by speaking as little as possible to my wife.  The less I say, the less she has to pick holes in/start a fight with.  Although I then get the 'You don't care' line thrown at me instead... .

Here's an idea to try out: maybe there is no problem with the words we are using. Maybe our BPD loved ones are just looking for an excuse to express/vent the disordered emotions they are already experiencing. And because they are in denial about their disordered feelings (being disordered), they choose to blame us for causing these feelings.

This would be why no matter how careful we are with our words, we somehow still managing to make them feel badly.  And they invariably feel: that we don't want to be with them (i.e., "imagined abandonment", that we mean to betray/cheat on them, that we are disrespecting or denigrating them. 

In order words, they already feel how they feel and choose to blame our words (or other things have to do with us) for what they are already feeling.

I've recently managed to get around this issue through not engaging in discussion of my "incorrect wording" and just exit the conversation.

I used to get drawn into the conversation through wanting to set the record straight, explaining, AKA JADEing. Now I just figure he's going to think whatever he thinks and I'm not going to give the issue any fuel and his fire can burn out on its own, before it gets fully ignited.

I have a variety of escape techniques: using the bathroom, checking on the laundry, feeding or medicating an animal, returning an email, etc. "Oops, I got to (fill in the blank). I'll be right back."

And when I do return, he's usually forgotten the issue.

I can echo what others have said: arguing over your choice of words, having them nitpick everything you said, etc. is common. 

I'll add: if there are two or more possible meanings or interpretations of something, they'll always go with the most negative or hostile and assume that's what you meant.

I recently gave my wife a card for our anniversary, and wrote something like "we accomplished a lot this year, and I'm excited to see what the next year will bring."  she read it and said "does this mean you only see us being married one more year?"

Damned if you do, damned if you don't... .