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Untreated BPD wife is raging about my failure as a husband. The nugget of truth here is i recently realized my passive aggressive attitude towards her over the years. I realize how I ve made things harder for her by putting distance between us out of my reaction to her chaotic behaviour. I want to change that in me and have been working on this... .but she wants a groveling begging crying apology asking despararely for forgiveness. She want an apology equal to the pain I caused being passive aggressive. A lot of my behavior came from ignorance... .trying always to keep her happy all the time. Something in me says this begging groveling is not right. Is my ego or pride blocking or changing and apologizing sincerely the better way. If I grovel I feel I am just going back to my codependent behavior again.? And repeating a cycle

Sounds very tough badknees, sorry to hear this.


How does the chaotic behaviour make you feel?
Do you feel distress? Or apathy?

What in your view, would be an appropriate response to chaotic behaviour?



Are you passive-aggressive by nature?
Or is it a responsive? (i.e. you are provoked into this reaction)




Was this a requirement of past or current relationships (not just romantic) in your life?
Or is this applicable solely to your relationship with her?


Have you aplogoized sincerely in the past?
And what was the outcome?


Do you feel that offering a sincere apology for your response to someone else's chaotic behaviour, is less co-dependent, than a passive-aggressive response to someone's chaotic behaviour?

Do you think your passive aggressiveness should stop?
or the chaotic behaviour should stop?

I think a sincere apology is good. A grovelling for forgiveness apology is not. Of COURSE she wants you to grovel, she'd LOVE the experience of you being wrong, and being able to blame you for her feeling bad.

You can state quite sincerely, "I have done this behaviour in the past. I realise it's wrong and I will work to fix it. I am sorry for the pain it's caused you, and look forward to moving us to a better place".

Apology done. Then, whenever she raises it again, state "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you." and after the 10th time, "I've already apologised, i am not going to dwell on the past".

Being authentic in your apology is the best approach. When I need to give a "my attitude toward you lately has really sucked" apology, I do not give that apology while my uBPDh is angry, upset, or dysregulated in any way. I share the deep heartfelt apologies for times when things are good and we are just having great conversation.

I'll say that I've been doing self reflection on my behavior and attitudes toward him. Share how it has affected the way I treat him. And then apologize and say that I am going to work on trying harder to be better at whatever it is. I let him know I love him and that it's important to me that we communicate better. I leave it at that. I don't grovel. I don't over explain or even get into specific arguments we've had. I acknowledge my bad behavior and I expect nothing from him in return. He doesn't have to apologize for anything. He doesn't have to accept my apology.

Whats crazy is I could have written this. I feel exactly like this. The only thing I can suggest is to help yourself first. That's what my therapist told me. But I haven't done it yet.

As for the apology they can take it or not.

Thank you . I read all reply and using apology skills,  without grovelling.☺

infjEpi- sorry for such a delay- I thought alot about your questions, here are my answers:

Chaotic behavior - my first reaction is deep fear then anger
I feel distress, I cannot get to apathy, I wish I could a little so not to take it so hard
My idea of the appropriate response to chaotic behavior would be like reacting to a child's tantrum: keep them safe, bulletproof to the anger or criticism, waiting it out, staying in control of myself with the storm whips around me.
I do not think I am passive aggressive by nature, I think I developed it during our message when my voice my opinions my feelings who  I was was always was pushed aside. and I did not speak up about it.
I think I was always a compliant child and adult, I liked to avoid conflict. But my marriage to my BPD wife focused it like a laser beam.
I have made sincere apologies in the past but always with a twinge of "why am I doing this".
Yes I do feel a sincere apology as a response to someone else's chaotic behaviour, is less co-dependent, than a passive-aggressive response to someone's chaotic behaviour.
I believe MY passive-aggressive behavior has to stop first. the chaotic behavior may never stop but I can choose to end the PA. Be more honest open and own my emotions